Things As They Should Be: By Legolas
by mbus55
Summary: Legolas writes a fanfic and forces The Fellowship to listen. Warning: Characters will be made fun of. Lines will be changed. MarySues will die. Now complete!
1. Legolas Goes Insane

_**Author's Note:**_

_Just to go over what I mentioned before, this is a humor story. I know that Legolas doesn't really write Fanfiction or any other such grievance you could have so no flames. Okay, do you understand? Good. So, umm keep reading if you want to._

_A brief summery is that Legolas, who is furious at the horror of Mary-Sues, writes a fanfic of his own and forces the rest of the Fellowship to listen to him read it. More characters will probably come._

_Thanks to my beta, we all have our little problems. Ha!_

_**Disclaimer:**_

_I don't own Lord Of The Rings nor did I have anything to do with it's creation. If you don't know who created Lord Of The Rings you're in the wrong place. I also don't own Mystery Science Theater 3000, (my inspiration for this, sort of). I don't actually have any idea who owns that. I just know that I own nothing. Nothing!_

**Chapter #1**

_And then Princess Fluffy Muffy Pink-Sunshine Fairy Wings and Legolas rode off into the sunset together on her Giant Flying Pink tiger._

_The End_

The real Legolas started crying. He had read too many fanfics to still believe in the goodness of people. He had lost his ability to be brave in the face of the horror that was Mary-Sues.

"They have to be stopped!" Legolas shouted in frustration to the empty library.

"What are you shouting about Legolas?" Elrond asked passing by the door. Legolas looked at the elf lord and saw that he was carrying a stack of blank paper and a quill ready to write.

"I need those," Legolas demanded. Elrond handed them over to the deranged elf. As soon as he had Legolas slammed the library door shut.

"Legolas open up," Elrond called pounding on the door, "I need to look up something in the library!"

But the only response he got was the scribbling of a quill furiously writing. Elrond tried for another fifteen minutes before giving up. Finding more pieces of paper and another quill Elrond began writing letters and sent them out with the fastest messengers he could find.

In Gondor Aragorn and Arwen were taking a nice walk in the garden when a messenger reached them breathing heavily.

"I bring a message from Elrond."

"Well," Aragorn sighed, "let's hear it."

"Dear former member of the Fellowship," a messenger read to Gimli, "help."

"Sounds ominous," Gimli grunted as he grabbed an axe.

"Legolas has snapped," another messenger was reading aloud the hobbits in the shire, "he has gone crazy, lost his mind-"

"I'm not all that shocked to tell you the truth," Pippin said calmly, "elves are so perfect that it would drive anyone insane." Merry and Sam exchanged glances and shook their heads.

"In short Legolas has become insane," the messenger continued.

"Legolas has locked himself in the Rivendell library and has refused to come out."

"He's done what?" Frodo asked shocked.

"It sounds like he's had a breakdown." Gandalf said in wonder with a puff of his pipe.

"The only sound we have heard from Legolas since he's locked himself in the library, besides the sound of a quill writing, has been the occasional burst of malicious laughter." A messenger was reading to a transparent Boromir. "All former members of the Fellowship are called to come and help us make Legolas see reason and give us back our library."

"Well I guess I could go to Rivendell," Boromir mused running a transparent hand through his ghostly hair, "after all there isn't too much for me to do now that I'm dead."

And so a week later the nine members of Fellowship had reunited in Rivendell. Many things had changed. Aragorn and Sam were married (not to each other!), Frodo and Gandalf now lived in the Undying Land, Boromir was a ghost, and Legolas had gone insane and locked himself in a library.

"But at least we're the same lovable hobbits we were back in the good old days," Pippin was saying to Merry and Gimli as the eight members of the Fellowship attempted to get Legolas to come out.

"I don't know Pip," Merry mused, "it's a little boring don't you think?"

"Oh no Master hobbit," Gimli countered, "I prefer to think of it as endearing."

Aragorn knocked loudly on the library door. They all listened but Legolas made no reply. Aragorn tried again.

"Legolas it's Aragorn, and err, Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. We've all come on Lord Elrond's request to find out what's wrong with you. Will you please open the door."

To their great surprise the blond elf flung the door open. In his hand was a stack of papers. There was a gleam in his eye's as he rounded on the Fellowship.

"It is completed," he announced in a ringing voice.


	2. The Story Begins

_**Author's Note:**_

_Wow, reviews already, thanks so much. Padfoot Reincarnated (nice name!), Anonymous, and surf all day and do the hula. They were all very nice. Thanks also to my beta. Also thanks to everyone who reads this._

**Chapter #2**

"What is it?" Gimli asked a little apprehensively.

"This is my own, personal Fanfiction masterpiece," Legolas exclaimed dragging everyone into the library and closing the door. "Now you are all going to listen to me read it!"

"We are?" Pippin asked eyeing the papers.

"Yes you are," Legolas said simply.

"And if we don't want to?" Gimli asked.

"Then I will kill you," Legolas said sounding quite edgy, "so get comfortable and sit down."

"I'm getting scared Mr. Frodo," Sam whispered.

"Me too Sam, me too."

"Ahem," Legolas said loudly facing the rest of them and holding his stack of papers up. "And now _Things As They Should Be. By Me, Legolas._"

_The Council of Elrond was about to begin. There were different people from different races all come together. They all **claimed** they were there to figure out what to do with the One Ring._

_Of course they were all really there to see Legolas of Mirkwood._

"Umm…" Aragorn said looking at the others to see their reactions. Frodo's eyes had bugged and Sam was muttering soundlessly. Gandalf's mouth had dropped open and his pipe had fallen out of it to the ground. Boromir had been about to brush some hair out of his eyes but distracted had instead stuck his hand through his forehead. Gimli was fighting convulsive laughter. Merry was inching his chair away from Legolas. Pippin, on the other hand, didn't seem to have noticed anything strange.

_"Strangers from distant lands," Elrond was saying loudly trying to get people to pay attention to him which was hard because no one liked him, "friends of old. You've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction, none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall."_

_"As long as Legolas is here we'll all be fine, for he is the greatest being ever," an elf told Elrond._

_"Of course," Elrond said quickly, "I wasn't trying to be mean to Legolas. But I regret to say that even Legolas will probably not be able to defeat this enemy single handedly."_

"I'm starting to see a disturbing pattern," Boromir whispered to the group.

_"Bring forth the ring, Frodo." The hobbit placed the ring on a platform in the middle of the circle. "Legolas," Elrond cried, "what shall we do?"_

_"I see only one option," Legolas stated in a commanding voice, "this young hobbit and his three friends, (yes I know you are all hiding there), must take the One Ring and throw it into Mount Doom." Sam, Merry, and Pippin sulked out of their hiding places in awe of Legolas' amazing ability._

Sam, Merry, and Pippin exchanged astonished looks.

"Nobody discovered our hiding spot until we choose to reveal ourselves," Merry said angrily, "Sam was the only one who got caught."

"Now look here-" Sam began.

"Listen to my story!" Legolas yelled menacingly.

_"I also think," Legolas continued, "that to protect them I should lead a group to protect them."_

_Of course everyone agreed._

"I always thought of myself as the leader of the Fellowship," Gandalf grumbled.

_And so Legolas choose four other members. There was Aragorn and Boromir who were both smelly men._

"That's not true," Aragorn argued, "we are not smelly."

"Yeah," Boromir added hotly, "you shouldn't call us smelly. That's mean, aren't elves supposed to be nice?"

_In fact perhaps the smelliest men ever._

"I'm going to cry," Aragorn sniffed sadly to Boromir who nodded.

_Then there was the old wizard Gandalf. _

"How nice of you to mention me," Gandalf said sarcastically.

_And finally Legolas reluctantly added Gimli the dwarf to his group. He didn't want to because dwarves were stupid but he had to bring at least one._

"I was chosen for the Fellowship because of my talent," Gimli bellowed, "not to meet some quota!"

_And so The Fellowship of Legolas set off for danger and peril but not being afraid because they trusted Legolas to keep them safe._

"Umm," Gimli said slowly, "someone want to break the news to him?"

"Let him live in his delusions," Aragorn sighed, "if we argue then this ordeal will only last longer."


	3. The First Sues Die

_**Author's Note:**_

_I have to apologize for how long it's taken me to write another chapter. While I try hard to not let too much time go between posts I am lazy by nature. Just to warn you._

_I noticed that I never really said anything before but mbus55 is a group account, (as in more then one person, not more then one personality). I am ogreatrandom and my beta is enigmagirl2727. So I thank engimagirl2727 very much and urge you all to read her stories._

_I am completely stunned by how many people have reviewed saying they loved it. It was the last thing I expected but I am thrilled to know that people like it. So I'd like to thank Anonymous, Me, Silver Trinity, Felarof, FFAMasquerade2005, XoGiggles, aranimanga23, Faerlas, Spooks Apprentice, Padfoot Reincarnated, surf all day and do the hula, Alandrea-the-magical-kitty, enigmagirl2727 (you can't compliment yourself!), and Hoofin' It. Anyway thanks to everyone._

**Chapter #3:**

"How are you all enjoying my story?" Legolas asked them beaming.

"Well…"

"How do I put this delicately?"

"No offense meant," Frodo said meekly, "but you seem to be telling the story in a different way then I remember it."

"I agree with Mr. Frodo," Sam said steadily, "this isn't how I remembered it."

"That's because you are not elves and elves have the best memories ever," Legolas said snottily.

"I don't think that's it," Gandalf grumbled.

"Are any of you an elf?"

"Not exactly," Gandalf answered with a sigh.

"In that case you do not know what you are talking about," Legolas said with perfect finality, "now let's continue my story."

_And so the Fellowship began their long and dangerous journey. Legolas led them confidently with a natural sense of leadership._

Gandalf grunted angrily though everyone else had to fight back laughter.

_Suddenly as they were walking three enchanting girls appeared. The members of the Fellowship were unable to resist the spell of the Mary-Sues._

"Even Legolas?" Sam asked.

_Except, of course, Legolas-_

"Of course," Merry grumbled bitterly.

_-who smoothly and with much grace pulled out his bow. With one arrow he killed all three of the Sues._

"That's impossible," Boromir burst out, "you can't kill three people, even three **very** thin people, with one arrow."

"Don't doubt my skill," Legolas said sternly.

"But-"

"No doubting!"

_With the evil spell broken the rest of the Fellowship praised Legolas for his ability to withstand the Sues, his amazing skill with a bow, and his cleverness._

No one was able to keep their laughter to themselves. Gandalf threw back his head and roared, looking happy for the first time.

"Oh I can't- can't laugh any- anymore," Gimli wheezed bent over double, "my ribs!"

"Even my ribs hurt," Boromir gasped, "and they're not actually there anymore."

Merry and Pippen were hugging each other, tears of mirth pouring down their faces. Aragorn was holding onto a chair to keep himself upright. Sam was rolling on the floor, unable to help himself. Frodo was trying to help him up but was not having any luck because he was laughing to much himself.

Legolas began screaming at them. But even with that it was several minutes before the Fellowship had calmed down enough to listen to the story again.

Outside the doors Elrond, Arwen, and several other elves listened with worried expressions. They could only wonder what was happening behind the library doors.

When Legolas did start again it was in a fuming voice as he glared out at everyone else.

_And so then Legolas led the Fellowship to a place where they could rest and recover. Legolas was busy helping with everything else so Gimli and Gandalf began to plot against Legolas._

_"You're quite right Gimli," Gandalf said pompously, "the Mines are the best route."_

"You know," Gandalf growled to Gimli, "I may be up to plotting against Legolas right now. I am not pompous."

"No comment," Aragorn muttered.

_"I have a very bad feeling about going into the Mines." Then Legolas saw the birds coming at them. _

_"What is that?" Boromir asked._

_"It's just a wisp of cloud, Gimli answered impatiently._

"You make one error in judgment and no one ever stops harping on it," Gimli burst out angrily.

_"Crebain," Legolas shouted, "from Dunland! We must hide!"_

_"Are you sure?" Aragorn asked._

"WHAT?" The King of Gondor roared standing up.

_"Yes," Legolas yelled pushing the stubborn man headfirst into a bush, "hide now!" After that all the other members of the Fellowship tripped over their own feet to obey Legolas. Once they were gone Legolas told them all to come out._

_"Those foul creatures were the spies of Saruman," Legolas told them knowledgably, "the passage south is being watched."_

"That's my line!" Gandalf yelled, "Mine! My own! My precious!"

"Gandalf!" Frodo gasped his eyes wide.

"I'm sorry Frodo," the wizard said, "I don't know what came over me."

"This story may be the truest form of evil we've seen yet," Sam observed.


	4. Elves Can See The Future

_**Author's Note:**_

_Thanks to all who read. Thanks especially to everyone who reviewed! Faerlas, Padfoot Reincarnated, Hoofin' It, frodothemonkey, Luthien Seregon, SecretShadow3, surf all day and do the hula, A. NuEvil (lol cool name!), Aislynn Crowdaughter, (I'm sorry you didn't like the story, not really but this is fiction after all.), Kurochan, Spooks Apprentice._

_Special thanks to enigmagirl2727 who reviewed and did the betaing. We all have our little problems! Hey, when are you going to post? I miss your story tear. Oh well I guess I'll see you soon._

**Chapter #4**

_And then Legolas began to lead the Fellowship up to the Carahdras._

Legolas continued to drone on though he seemed to have lost the concentration of his listeners. Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf were grumbling under their breaths at how Legolas had made fun of them.

Boromir was oblivious to it all as he tried to figure out exactly how Legolas had killed three people with one arrow ("It just doesn't make sense!").

The three hobbits, on the other hand, were taking a more forthright approach to the situation. They were plotting exactly how to steal the remaining pages from Legolas' Fanfiction before he could get to reading it.

But one little sentence was about to jerk them all back into the present.

_But just then Gandalf, Gimli, and Frodo all rebelled against their leader Legolas._

"We did what?" Frodo asked stunned.

_They convinced everyone else that it was "too cold" for them to continue along their intended path. Even though the temperature was actually quite pleasant and the snow was only flurrying lightly._

"It was too cold," Pippin yelled angrily, "we could have frozen to death!"

"Maybe the temperature was pleasant for an elf," Gimli roared, "but not all of us are impervious to the elements!"

"It was a blizzard," Aragorn was miming falling snow with his hands, "not little flurries, a real man/hobbit/dwarf/wizard killing blizzard!"

_Before Legolas could realize what was happening the whole Fellowship were whining._

_"It's too cold," Boromir complained._

"Maybe of the arrows went through the Sues' necks," Boromir mused without paying attention to the story.

_"Yeah," Merry and Pippin added in their small pathetic squeaky voices, "we're going to freeze to death!"_

"But-" Pippin stuttered, "but-"

"We were," Merry insisted wildly, "we were almost killed by the snow and freezing weather!"

"Yeah," Pippin managed to say, "that's what I said earlier!"

_"The snow is going to wash away my precious grime," Aragorn cried despairingly._

"Why do you keep calling me dirty?" Aragorn asked, "Why?"

"You may not want Legolas to answer that question," Sam told Aragorn patting the man's arm.

_"The One Ring is trying to tempt me," Frodo told Legolas, "the cold is just making it stronger."_

"I never said or thought anything of the sort," Frodo complained, "never!"

"I don't even know where you could have come up that ridicules idea!"

_"We have to get off this mountain," Sam yelled, "please Legolas! Isn't there another way?"_

_"I can't walk in this snow," Gimli grumbled, "it's too high. But there is no snow in the mines."_

"Sure," the real Gimli grumbled, "make fun of my height. It's so easy to make fun of those poor short dwarves."

_"The mines are quite dangerous," Gandalf said, "but also quite warmer. Let's let Frodo decide!"_

"That's not what happened," Gandalf shouted, "I didn't influence Frodo to choose the mines!"

_"The mines! The mines!" Frodo yelled. Everyone cheered. Except Legolas, who of course could foresee the future and knew exactly the trouble that would lay ahead of them in the mines._

"THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Gandalf bellowed again loosing all restraint. The wizard leapt out of his seat and tried to strangle Legolas. "You can't see into the future," he yelled at Legolas as he ran at him.

The elf jumped out of his seat and ran around the room trying to get away. Sticking a foot out Boromir tried to trip Legolas.

Of course Legolas, being solid and alive, went right through Boromir's leg. He could not, however, go straight through Aragorn's leg.

Legolas hit the ground and the rest of the Fellowship all joined Gandalf in attacking Legolas.

"What is going on in here?" A voice asked interrupting the chaos and causing the Fellowship to look over at the door.

_**Author's Note:**_

_A cliffhanger! Ahhhh! Who is it in the doorway? Which character has come to join the insanity? If you can guess right I'll dedicate the next chapter to you! Also I'll ask you for suggestions on the next person to add to the craziness. So what have you got to lose? Anyway thanks for reading!_


	5. And Then There Were Eleven

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well as promised this chapter is dedicated to everyone who guessed correctly. Padfoot Reincarnated, Spooks Apprentice, and FFAMasquerade2005. This chapter is dedicated to you guys and good job guessing the mystery people! And to everyone else I really loved all of the ideas so you'll have to keep your eyes out for those characters. They will come!_

_And to everyone who reviewed. As always they were much too kind but I enjoyed them! Thank you to Faerlas (hope you feel better), surf all day and do the hula, clepweb (Lol! May their hair whither forever! I'm supposed to be making you laugh! That was great! Glad you're enjoying the story.), Tinorial Peredhil, Padfoot Reincarnated, Felarof, Luthien Seregon, Hoffin' It, Spooks Apprentice, all-evil-grins, and FFAMasquerade2005._

_Ahhhh! My beta is on vacation! What will I do? I guess I could always check it myself…_

**Chapter #5**

Aragorn threw himself at one of the two elves who had entered the room. Who did he throw himself on? Arwen of course!

Next to Arwen was the elf who had asked what was going on and thus interrupted the Legolas killing that had been occurring. It was Elrond.

"Hhhheeeeeellllllllllllpppppppppppp!" Legolas screamed for beneath the pile.

Gandalf was banging Legolas' head into the ground still yelling something about lies. Frodo and Sam were tickling Legolas. Boromir, unable to inflict physical damage, was dancing around Legolas shouting insults at him. Gimli was sitting on Legolas' chest to keep him from getting up. Merry and Pippen were no where to be seen. Aragorn, of course, was still clinging to Arwen.

"What is the meaning of this?" The elf lord roared as Legolas continued crying for help. "Will everyone please be quiet and sit down."

Frodo and Sam rushed to sit in two of the chairs. No one else really noticed as they grumbled glaring at Legolas.

"So what exactly," Elrond tried yet again, "is going on in my library?"

Everyone tried to explain to Elrond and Arwen at once so that the two elves could not decipher one word said.

"Will everyone please take a deep breath," Elrond said in a calm voice. Everyone breathed in deep, "and tell me why the chairs Frodo and Sam are sitting on are moving across the room. Can somebody explain that?"

Heads turned sharply as everyone looked over at Frodo and Sam. Somehow their chairs had moved across the room.

"What are you talking about?" Frodo asked in an innocent voice that didn't fool anyone in the room, Sam was blushing.

"Now!" Merry's voice came from under Sam's chair. A second later the two missing hobbits popped up from under Frodo and Sam's chairs. They grabbed for the pages from Legolas' story.

"Nooo!" Legolas screamed as he grabbed his papers. Merry didn't get any and Pippen only got one.

"Damn it," Pippen muttered handing the paper to Merry, "it's one we've already heard!"

"Pippen," Arwen gasped, "language!"

"Hey Elrond," Merry said reading off the paper, "Legolas says here that no one likes you."

"No I didn't," Legolas chuckled in a higher voice then normal as he rushed over to try to take the paper from Merry.

"He wrote: … _Elrond was saying loudly trying to get people to pay attention to him which was hard because no one liked him …_"

"He's lying! I tell you don't believe him!" As Legolas was taller he was easily able to take the piece of paper from Merry.

"Elrond," Boromir asked ignoring the chaos going on around him, "is it true that elves are perfect?"

"Of course we are," it was Arwen that answered as she led Aragorn over to a couch so they could both sit down.

"Do you have perfect memories?" Aragorn asked his voice a little muffled as he hugged Arwen.

"I suppose we do," Elrond answered.

"Well can you see the future?" Gimli asked Elrond.

"Yes," Elrond answered looking confused.

"I told you so," Legolas taunted.


	6. At The Doors Of Moria

_**Author's Note:**_

_My laptop is broken, sorry about the delay. Anyway I swear I'll write more tonight but I'm out of time and I wanted to post something. Thank you so much to everyone who wrote. I now have 50 reviews! That's even more then my first story, When You Break A TV._

**Chapter #6**

"Well even you elves will be unable to believe the horrid lies Legolas has been writing," Gandalf said to Elrond.

"Hey why don't you two stay and listen to a feel chapters?" Sam proposed. "If you still agree with Legolas after that I'll be very surprised."

"We'll see," Arwen answered as Elrond sat down on a chair near Legolas.

"On with my story then!" Legolas cheered.

"Here we go," Boromir sighed.

_And so the Fellowship went back down the mountains and traveled to the doors of Moria. While Gandalf started trying to open the doors Legolas warned the hobbits about the Watcher in the Water._

"No he didn't!" The four hobbits argued loudly, "he DID NOT!" Elrond and Arwen exchanged looks each silently wondering if coming into the library had been a bad idea.

_"Of course Legolas," the four hobbits said bowing low, "we trust you."_

The four hobbits in the room all made disgusted faces all feeling sick at the thought.

"You'd think we were little children from the way he writes us," Frodo muttered.

"Ahh Master Baggins," Elrond said consolingly, "but to an elf who is thousands of years old you might as well be children." Pippen stuck his tongue out at the elf lord. "I rest my case," Elrond said smugly.

_Then Legolas went over to look at the riddle on the doors of Moria. Of course it was soooooo-_

"This is just ridicules," Gimli grunted loudly over Legolas. The elf in turn pushed the dwarf's helmet down over his eyes.

_ooooooooo simple! Legolas knew what it was instantly._

"Liar!" Gandalf and Frodo yelled together.

"You had nothing to do with solving the riddle," Frodo shouted.

"You didn't even KNOW it was a riddle," Gandalf accused pointing a finger at the elf.

"Gandalf," Elrond gasped surprised, "control yourself, please."

_But Legolas did not want to help them solve it, he knew they would all be safer outside the mine rather then inside. The stupid short dwarf-_

"Hey!" Gimli yelled out as he yanked the helmet off his head.

_- had no idea the dangers that were inside the mine he loved so much._

"How was I supposed to know?" Gimli asked. "Do you think I would knowingly lead you all into danger?"

_Legolas was beginning to suspect that Gimli was trying to lead the Fellowship into danger-_

"Why would Gimli do that?" Arwen demanded.

_-in order to prove his amazing battle skills._

"This story makes less and less sense every sentence," Boromir grumbled as Gimli sulked.

_Meanwhile over by the lake Merry and Pippen were bugging Aragorn and Boromir because they were bored. Finally their short tempers couldn't handle it anymore._

_"Go throw rocks into the lake," Boromir told them sharply._

_"But Legolas said-"_

_"Never mind what Legolas said," Aragorn told them in an attempt to sound like a leader, "just do it or else."_

"Aragorn!" Arwen turned to her husband. "How could you be so mean to both those sweet little hobbits and your good friend Legolas?"

"But I didn't- I would never- Legolas!" He turned on the elf. "Tell her that I didn't do that!"

"It's the truth," Legolas said stubbornly. Arwen glared and didn't say anything.

"He didn't," Merry told Arwen, "Legolas is lying!"

And then the Mary-Sue's came.

Legolas has started reading again in a loud voice. Everyone froze, Aragorn had a horrified look on his face while Legolas had an evil smirk on his face.

"You wouldn't…" Aragorn said in a scared voice. Legolas' grin widened.


	7. Aragorn And The MarySue

_**Author's Note:**_

_Funny story. So I started the story the same day I posted the last chapter, like I promised. Then I was busy with mid-terms and then I had to go on a school retreat thing for a week. But I'm back now so here it is._

_I have to thank everyone who reviewed the last two chapters. Padfoot Reincarnated (yeah Boromir is pretty cool), Hoofin' It, Tinorial Peredhil, surf all day and do the hula (dumb things are the best), Luthien Thrandulilion, Faerlas (let the anger out!), Liz (essays suck very much), usaswim (you don't know how much of a compliment that was!), Spooks Apprentice (deep frying, very cool!), enigmagirl2727 (so glad you're home and that you had a cool trip!), all-evil-grins, enchantedwriter72, Padme Snivvey, FFAMasquerade, and Just Me. Anyway thanks a lot it really means a lot to me!_

_Just to warn you, it may be a while before my next post. I have to keep working on the story I post under my own account, ogreatrandom._

**Chapter #7:**

_A beautiful woman appeared-_

Legolas was reading in a loud voice over Aragorn's pleas of mercy and threats. Arwen watched the whole scene with confusion. Elrond had grabbed a book from the shelf, (they were in a library after all), and was flipping through it rapidly. Everyone else in the room just laughed loudly at the look on Aragorn's face.

_- the woman was the most beautiful woman that Aragorn had ever seen._

Arwen said nothing, in fact no one said anything. There were no words for the situation. Arwen's eyes were boring holes into the back of Aragorn's head as the king of Gondor banged his head into the wall over and over again. Elrond had found what he was looking for in the book and was reading it rapidly.

_"You are the most beautiful person that I have ever seen," Aragorn cried hugging the woman in joy._

The library, which a moment ago had been dead silent, suddenly burst into noise. Aragorn was yelling at Legolas about vicious lies while trying to plead with Arwen at the same time. Arwen was screaming at Aragorn. Everyone else had joined Legolas in laughing as hard as they could. Elrond was yelling for silence.

The elf lord was forced to start hitting people with books to make them listen to him. A few bruises later Elrond had gotten everything under control.

Except, that is, for his daughter.

Arwen was screaming in a very non-elf-like way at her husband who was cowering in a very non-king-like way. Not even Elrond could stop Arwen. Nothing could, except Legolas reading more from his story.

_Aragorn had been completely memorized by the mary-sue. Her spell had caused Aragorn to fall deeply in love with her._

"How dare you!" Arwen was screeching.

"I didn't do it," Aragorn was protesting, "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Of course he didn't," Merry said to Arwen.

"Thank you," Aragorn said to the hobbit.

"Clearly he was under a spell," the hobbit continued.

Aragorn reacted to the joke by trying to strangle the poor hobbit. Pippin, Sam, and Frodo quickly cam to the rescue of their friend. Gimli and Boromir just laughed. Gandalf was trying to talk to Arwen.

_Then the watcher attacked and tried to kill them all. Aragorn ignored Frodo as he jumped to protect the mary-sue._

"But Strider did protect all of us," Sam argued. It was pointless to try to argue with Legolas or Arwen however.

_Gimli and Boromir tried to protect the defenseless hobbits but they just weren't good enough._

"I actually caught Frodo!" Boromir was arguing.

"Just remember Legolas," Gimli was saying, "some of us use weapons that actually force us to confront the enemy face to face."

"Just because we're short doesn't mean we can't fight!" Pippin was saying.

"I helped kill the Witch King," Merry reminded everyone.

"When that watcher was attacking me Sam actually chopped at it with his sword," Frodo told them all.

"And I'd do it again," Sam said proudly.

_Legolas blinded, but did not kill, the watcher because he knew that the hobbits were to blame for waking it up._

"That's an extreme reaction to being woken up," Merry pointed out.

"Don't you remember that time you threatened to kill me for waking you up?" Pippin asked.

"Pip," Merry cried exasperated, "you threw pig slop all over me!"

"That's only because you were sleeping in the pig pen," Pippin pointed out.

"You put me in there while I was asleep!"

_Legolas saw that the watcher was going to come after them anyway. To save everyone he picked up all of the hobbits and carried them to the entrance of the mines. Gandalf was still sitting there trying to figure out the riddle. He hadn't noticed the watcher attack the Fellowship at all._

"That's preposterous," Gandalf spluttered indignantly.

"I don't think Legolas can carry all of us," Frodo pointed out. Legolas read on in a hurry.

_"Mellon," Legolas shouted at the doors. They opened easily as he knew they would. Then, still carrying the hobbits-_

"I still don't think that's possible."

_- Legolas got all of the members of the Fellowship safely into the mines. Of course the mary-sue followed them into the mines. Aragorn kissed her in relief-_

"That's it!" Arwen yelled, "I don't know who this mary person is-"

"I think I can answer that," Elrond said loudly holding a book up.


	8. The Explanation Of The MarySue

_**Author's Note:**_

_So this chapter is very short, sorry about that. I'm supposed to be writing some science paper that was due yesterday. Opps! Oh well…_

_Thanks to all of the reviewers Phantom'sJediBandieGirl, allie-the-fanatic, Firestorm, Faerlas, Fly Like A Blueberry Pie, Princess Alasse, FFAMasquerade2005, fallen-into-shadow, all-evil-grins, Just Me, luthien thranduiliel, Kaori Himoru, LOTR fanatic, and Spooks Apprentice. I was glad to see so many new people and just as happy for the former reviewers' reviews. I am so glad that you all are enjoying this story. It certainly is fun to write._

_And a special thanks to enigmagirl2727 who allowed me to use an excerpt from her profile. It's a fun profile and her stories are good, (especially the LOTR one), so I highly recommend reading them._

**Chapter #8:**

"This book," Elrond explained to his daughter as she glared at Aragorn, "gives a detailed yet brief explanation as to what a Mary-Sue is. It was written by Enigma, who knows of such things." Elrond cleared his throat and read aloud from the book.

Mary-Sue: A classic. An OC (see below) who is usually gorgeous, talented, and for all intents and purposes perfect. She almost always finds a way of getting her slimy hands on the 'hottest' male character. Though now thoroughly ridiculed and despised throughout the fanfiction community, thus giving rise to the popular culture of 'Sue-Slayers' or mocking Mary Sues and their preteen writers, you can still find a few thinly-veiled examples if you look closely. The writers of Mary-Sues are usually teen girls obsessed with the actor(s) who play the characters in the movies and are given to horrific mangling of the English language with capitalization lIke THiS!1 and usually forget how they'd described their characters originally thus giving rise to the ever changing hair/eye colors of the MSs. A less popular variation is the Gary-Stu, a male Mary-Sue.1

"You mean to tell me that you cheated on me with an obsessive child!" And with that she burst into tears and ran out of the room.

"I DID NOT CHEAT ON YOU!" Aragorn roared after her. He tried to follow but Elrond stopped him.

"I think it's best if I explained things more to her now," he told Aragorn gently, "I'll calm her down and then you two can talk." And with that Elrond followed his daughter out of the library.

"Besides," Legolas said cheerfully, "you have to finish listening to my story." Aragorn promptly threw himself at Legolas and attempted to strangle him.

"There's no Elrond to help you now elf!" He was shouting. Several, (okay, all), members of the Fellowship were cheering as Aragorn and Legolas tumbled to the floor, Aragorn's hands still around the elf's neck.

"Elrond may not be here," a new voice said as the new elf calmly pulled Aragorn off of Legolas, "but that does not mean that you can freely attack Legolas."

"Glorfindel!" The Fellowship all gasped as one.

"It's a good thing Lord Elrond asked me to over see you," the tall elf said mildly as he pulled Aragorn off of Legolas. "Aragorn I am shocked at your hostility towards your friend."

"He started it," pouted the king. Glorfindel raised his eyebrows at this undignified response. He looked around at the others, as if hoping someone would enlighten him. It was Gandalf who stood up and answered his unasked question.

"Legolas has invented a story about what happened on our Quest to destroy the Ring. He read it aloud to us and accused Aragorn here of cheating on Arwen. Of course Arwen did not take that well and is now refusing to speak to Aragorn."

"Aragorn did you indeed cheat on Arwen?" Glorfindel asked sharply.

Gandalf and Gimli had to each grab one of Aragorn's arm in order to keep the King of Gondor from leaping at the dignified elf lord. Boromir tried to help but of course, being transparent, his efforts had no effect.

"Why don't you listen to Legolas' story for yourself?" Aragorn suggested in a tight voice after several tense minutes.

"I believe I must in order to see what all this fuss is about," Glorfindel said taking a seat next to Gandalf and looking over at Legolas expectantly.

"Should we warn him?" Pippen whispered to Merry.

"No," Merry muttered back, "it's more fun if he hears the story unprepared."

"What are you two hobbits whispering about?" Glorfindel asked.

"Nothing," they both answered innocently.

1 Quote from enigmagirl2727's profile.


	9. LOST in Moria

_**Author's Note:**_

_Sorry that again it's taken me a while to update. I'll also apologize that there is a lot of Gandalf in this chapter and the next and not as much mention of others. I'm doing this because Gandalf will be falling to his apparent death very soon and I wanted to give him a little extra since he wouldn't have as much to say later._

_Thanks again to everyone who reviewed Faerlas, Hoofin' It (Oh he'll try but Glorfindel might have met his match!), Padfoot Reincarnated, surf all day and do the hula, Igorina, LOTR freak, Spooks Apprentice, Tinorial Peredhil (Thank you!), Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit (Don't beat yourself up over the past! I'm glad you're enjoying the story!)._

**Chapter #8:**

_It didn't take Gandalf long to get lost within the dwarves' simple cave._

"Simple cave!" Gimli roared. "It is not simple and it's certainly not a cave! It's a mine!"

"That so called 'simple cave'," Boromir said floating through a startled Glorfindel to look Legolas in the eye, "was one of the most impressive places I saw in my life."

"You led a very short life however," Legolas said with a sniff.

"Especially compared to and elf's life," Glorfindel nodded, "now allow Legolas to continue his story."

_Legolas offered to help Gandalf but the stubborn wizard just muttered some nonsense under his breath and ignored the oh-so-intelligent elf._

"If I hear any more wizard bashing…" Gandalf was muttering at that moment. Sam patted him consolingly on the arm.

_Then he rambled on and on to Frodo who didn't understand but wanted to seem smart so he just smiled and nodded._

"Just you wait elf!" Gandalf yelled in a very scary voice.

"We were having a deep and meaningful conversation," Frodo said putting a hand on Gandalf's other arm, "one that continued to help me long after Gandalf had fallen and Sam and I were on our own." Legolas, however, continued to read aloud as if they hadn't even spoken.

_The rest of the Fellowship did lazy things. Some of them smoked, some ate, and Boromir even fell asleep._

The roar was tremendous. Even Elrond and Arwen who were out in one of the gardens heard them. Glorfindel found himself trying to protect Legolas from eight angry former Fellowship members.

"There's nothing wrong with smoking!"

"Or eating!"

"Smoking doesn't mean you are lazy!"

"Or eating!"

"You already said that you fool of a Took!"

"I didn't sleep! I didn't fall asleep! I told you," Boromir was yelling, "I was just resting my eyes."

_But Aragorn was the worst of all of them._

"Don't even think about it," Aragorn growled in a threatening manner.

_What he did was the worst thing-_

"You wouldn't…" Aragorn said in a dangerous voice. Legolas simply continued on as if he hadn't heard.

_- that anyone could ever possibly do. Aragorn spent the entire time writing love poetry to the revolting Mary-Sue._

"I did no such thing!"

"Aragorn how could you do that to Arwen?" Glorfindel demanded.

"I already told you-" Aragorn began in vain.

"You are so lucky that Arwen isn't hearing all of this."

"- Legolas is lying!" He insisted but Glorfindel, to Legolas' amusement, continued to lecture the King of Gondor.

"It would just break her heart," the elf said shaking his head in disgust, "and after she's given up so much for you!"

"I give up," Aragorn sighed throwing his hands in the air despairingly. "But just you wait, you'll understand the true nature of this story."

"It's an evil story!" Gandalf roared.

_Just then Gandalf found his map of Moria. He told the rest of the Fellowship that "he could smell" the right way to go. Of course they were all stupid enough to believe his lies._

"See! See!" Gandalf said to Glorfindel.

"You were lying to us Gandalf?" Merry asked indignantly.

"Of course not you insolent hobbit!" The wizard burst out.

"Sorry," Merry muttered, "I should have known that."

"It's quite all right," Gandalf said patting Merry on the shoulder, "I understand that these lies can get to you."

_After a little more walking through more of the empty and unimpressive underground city-_

Gimli began gnashing his teeth and cursing in dwarvish. But it wasn't close to his reaction to Legolas' next sentence.

_- Gimli's wandering attention was caught by the tomb of some old and un-important dwarf that nobody really cared about._

Gimli's face turned red and he began to shake with fury.

The rest of the former Fellowship ducked for cover and a startled Glorfindel found himself between Gimli and Legolas.


	10. Legolas vs The Orcs

_**Author's Note:**_

_It seems as if I'm beginning every author's note with an apology as to the long time it took me to post. Sorry about that._

_Anyway thanks to everyone who read and especially to everyone who left reviews. Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit (I love your stories! thanks for recommending me!), HannahCimsGwendolyn (glad you liked it! I loved your stories!), Just Me (thanks!), all-evil-grins (I'm really glad you're enjoying it!), Rana Ninque (thanks for reading and reviewing!), SpooksApprentice (I'm still not sure what I'll do with the Balrog yet.), and IloveOrlando08 (Don't worry I'm not giving up, I'm just slow!)._

_Oh and the Mary-Sue is still with them even though I don't mention her in this chapter. I'm just trying to come up with a funny ending for her. If anyone has any ideas they would be greatly appreciated._

**Chapter #10:**

Gimli hurled a chair at Legolas. Unfortunately the chair hit poor Glorfindel, knocking him to the ground. With the elf out of the way Gimli tackled Legolas and the two of them toppled to the floor.

It took several long minutes for Glorfindel to get the situation under control. When the dust had settled poor Gimli found himself tied to a chair with Glorfindel giving him a long lecture on manners.

Apparently it was in poor manners to try to rip your good friend apart.

Slowly the other seven members of the Fellowship came out from behind their cover and took their seats again. Legolas, with a brand new black eye, continued reading his story as dignified as he could.

_While Gimli blubbered uncontrollably over the tomb of the dead dwarf-_

"You pointy-eared self righteous-" Gimli burst out.

"Now Gimli don't make me gag you," warned Glorfindel. The irate dwarf grumbled as Legolas spent fifteen whole minutes detailing exactly how "pathetically" Gimli had acted. By the time he had finished Glorfindel had threatened to gag everyone.

_And then Pippin began walking over towards a skeleton._

"Oh no," Pippin grumbled, "here we go again."

_He reached out his hand-_

"It was just a mistake!"

_-and Legolas could tell that something bad would happen._

"A mistake that anyone could make," Pippin was saying looking sad.

_Then the immature hobbit shoved the skeleton down the well._

"What!" Pippin all but screeched, "That's not what happened at all!"

_Pippin laughed as it clanked loudly down the well alerting the enemy to their presence._

"I didn't do that," Pippin argued, "I accidentally knocked it down."

_Then, before anyone could stop him, Pippin threw a bucket down after the skeleton._

"Okay the bucket wasn't my fault," Pippin was saying, "the skeleton knocked it off."

"Yeah sure," Merry said with a grin.

"I'm serious!"

"We know Pippin," Sam said consolingly.

"Why do people always pick on me?" Pippin asked in a sad voice.

"Well you do have to admit," Frodo said hesitantly, "you do seem to find yourself in those predicaments more then most people." Everyone else nodded thoughtfully murmuring agreement.

"You're not helping," Pippin said dryly.

Gandalf preceded to yell at Pippin in a very cruel way. He told him it would have been better if the hobbit had thrown himself down the well instead.

"Well," Pippin said to the wizard, "you kind of did."

"I'm sorry," Gandalf apologized, "I was caught up in the heat of the moment."

"I understand."

_Soon they could all hear the sounds of the orc army approaching. Legolas of course knew that it was orcs just by hearing the way that they walked and the noises they made._

"Actually I believe it was Mr. Frodo's sword that let of know it was orcs." Legolas, however, ignored the accurate hobbit.

_Boromir walked right out to see the army only to almost get himself shot by several arrows._

_"They have a cave troll," he told them as if he was reporting something interesting. But he was late since Legolas already knew._

"How?" Boromir asked through gritted teeth, (that of course weren't really there), "How did you know it was a cave troll?"

"Oh you know," Legolas said vaguely, "I just sort of…" The rest of the elf's sentence was incomprehensible. Before anyone could ask him what he had said he continued on with the story.

_Legolas went to show Aragorn and Boromir how to barricade the doors. But they still couldn't do it right. The foul orcs managed to get right through. They all would have been killed if it wasn't for Legolas and his bow and arrows._

"I'm sure he defeated the whole army with one arrow," Aragorn said sarcastically.

_He was able to defeat over half of the army before they even got through the doors._

"It's impossible for even an elf to shoot that quickly," Glorfindel observed looking at Legolas with suspicion.

"See!" Gandalf cried to the elf, "See! We told you Legolas wasn't being truthful."

"Well he's at least embellishing the truth in this case," he answered.

_But the really unlucky orcs were the ones who made it through the doors. Those ones had to face the wrath of Legolas up close._

There was a roar, this time of laughter, as everyone in the room except for Legolas burst out in uncontrollable laughter.

_The rest of the Fellowship did absolutely nothing. All they could do was watch Legolas in awe._

The laughter quickly stopped as the whole Fellowship glared at Legolas.

_Taking advantage of their distraction the cave troll speared Frodo. As the poor hobbit sunk to the ground Legolas felt a pierce of guilt._

"You mean Legolas is going to admit to messing up?" Sam asked in an awed voice.

"Maybe there's hope for him yet," Boromir muttered.

_Of course the guilt was unfounded. But still Legolas felt he should have known that the other members of the Fellowship would be unable to protect the pitiable ring bearer._

"Preposterous!"

"It's ridicules!"

"I am not pitiable!"

"I would never let anything happen to Mr. Frodo!"

"An unbelievable accusation!"

"I can't keep my eyes on him and fight off an orc army."

"I would not cheat on Arwen!"

"That's not what we're talking about Aragorn," Boromir whispered to the other man.

"Sorry," Aragorn said, "gut reaction."

_Then Legolas single handedly killed the Cave Troll._

"We helped," Pippin argued.

"Yeah," Merry said, "we risked our very lives!"

_Legolas was saddened by the fact that no one made a move to help him fight the army or the cave troll._

"You know I'm having trouble remembering if Legolas was actually in this battle," Gimli commented.

"I would guess that," Boromir answered, "since he doesn't have a clue about **what actually happened**." The angry ghost stressed the last three words until he was almost yelling.


	11. The Balrog And The Sue Die

_**Author's Note:**_

_Wow, 120 reviews! You guys rock! A special thanks to all who reviewed Faerlas (That's the scary part!), fallen-into-shadow (I guess they're very well disciplined. I know I would have killed him!), anonymous, IloveOrlando08, surf all day and do the hula, Phantom'sJediBandieGirl (I haven't decided whether Legolas will finish the other two books or if I'll have someone else. I'd love suggestions!), Rana Ninque, all-evil-grins, HannahCimsGwendolyn, girlinthedarkcorner, Just Me, ladyaymie (Who cares about homework? Yeah it's o great random. It was supposed to be O great random one but I'm an idiot and forgot.), and Queen of the Unknown._

**Chapter #11:**

_Frodo was just recovering thanks to Legolas' excellent care-_

"Or possibly the Mithril armor I was wearing!" Frodo said in a dry voice.

_ - when they heard the Balrog coming. Gandalf was of course terrified so he made them all run away even though the Balrog would be easy to defeat._

"Excuse me?" Glorfindel asked his eyes narrowing dangerously. Legolas ignored the elf and continued to read on.

_The evil mary-sue that Aragorn loved-_

"No Aragorn didn't," Aragorn interrupted in a booming voice, "I've only ever loved Arwen!"

_- was faking an injury so her love would carry her. Even though she was extraordinarily light carrying her that far had made the man tired._

"Somehow I doubt that would happen," Boromir mused with a grin as Aragorn mouthed wordlessly making threatening gestures. The four hobbits and Gimli were all collapsed over in fits of laughter at the thought of that image.

_They came to a hole in the path they were walking on. Legolas, of course-_

"**Of course** he leapt over and all the way out of the mines and into the sky-" Merry said while acting the picture out.

"- then he ran into the sun and **burned** to a **perfect** crisp!" Pippen finished while Merry writhed around on the ground as if on fire. Legolas looked miffed as everyone else rolled on the library ground laughing.

_- of course helped everyone else over being the kind soul that he was._

"He was able to carry all eight other people over that gap?" Sam asked.

"Nine if you count Aragorn's little girlfriend," Gimli chuckled. Aragorn reacted kingly by hitting Gimli over the head. Since Gimli was wearing his helmet Aragorn's hand hurt very much after that.

_But since the other's couldn't keep up with Legolas the group was too slow to out run the Balrog._

"It's true that elves are very fast," Glorfindel pointed out.

"So are hobbits!" Sam protested.

"Not as fast as elves Master Hobbit," Glorfindel said with a smile.

_With the Balrog approaching it was up to Legolas to save them all._

"I feel **so** safe," Gandalf muttered sarcastically.

_So he grabbed the Mary-Sue and with a powerful heave threw her right into the Balrog's mouth, knowing that her evil magic would destroy the Balrog just from touching her._

"Yay!" Aragorn cheered, "She's dead, she's dead! Ding dong the wicked Mary-Sue is dead!" He danced around oblivious to the protests of the others.

"If it were that easy to kill the Balrog then I wouldn't have died!" Gandalf yelled.

"You think you could defeat a Balrog?" Glorfindel asked stunned.

_Gandalf was so scared of the Balrog that he lost his footing and fell down with the creature._

Several minutes of stunned silence followed this pronouncement. Legolas, seeing Gandalf's angry face, considered for a moment that he might have gone too far.

But just for a moment of course.

"That is enough!" It was Glorfindel who roared this. "You think that you could do what Gandalf and I did by defeating a Balrog. Never in all my many, **many**, **MANY** years have I witnessed such impertinence!" He turned to the wizard who looked ready to murder Legolas. "Come along Gandalf," he said standing up, "us great Balrog slayers should not have to listen to this garbage."

And with that Glorfindel and Gandalf swept out of the library closing the doors behind them. They hadn't taken more then a few steps away from the library when Galadriel and Celeborn came over to them.

"Lady Galadriel," Glorfindel said with a low bow, "what brings you to Rivendell?"

"I sensed a disturbance," she explained, "and when I questioned Elrond he failed to give me a satisfactory answer."

"So we decided to take a little trip and see what was going on," Celeborn finished.

"Oh did you," Glorfindel said with a smile. The smile worried Galadriel because it looked a little… well evil. "Why don't you go into the library and see for yourselves?" Glorfindel suggested. Gandalf opened his mouth to say something but the clever elf managed to kick the wizard as he opened the door and ushered Galadriel and Celeborn inside.

"I don't see why not," Galadriel said as she and Celeborn walked in.

"Oh you will," Gandalf muttered as Glorfindel shut the door on them, "you will."


	12. The Journey To Lothlorien

_**Author's Note:**_

_Wow, we're at chapter twelve already! How did that happen? We're also getting close to the end of the Fellowship of the Ring. I'd love to have some input on what I should do next. For instance should Legolas continue with the Two Towers or should someone else start the story? Are people sick of the story, should I stop? Would anybody like to see a change in location, maybe Gondor? Anyway let me know._

_Thank you an incredible amount to everybody who left reviews, as always they were great! Faerlas, Queen of the Unknown, surf all day and do the hula, Twilight Shadow, luthien thranduiliel, Just Me, EstellaB (I wasn't sure if you got my reply but if you give me credit it's ok. I'd love to edit/proofread it though if that's all right. I'd just like to see the first few chapters at least, if that's not too weird. Please e-mail me and let me know what you decide. It's Elvin BlueEyes, Inwe Nolatari (I thought the expression was **quick** and painless. Thanks though, very considerate.), Spooks Apprentice, Phantom'sJediBandiGirl, FFAMasquerade2005, all-evil-grins, IloveOrlando08, and HannahCimsGwendolyn._

_Sorry this is a short chapter. Next one will be longer, I hope._

**Chapter #12:**

"Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn," Aragorn gasped. He was the only one to remember to bow through his shock. The rest sat dumb struck with their mouths hanging open. The Lord and Lady gracefully took their seats in winged arm chairs that were next to each other, facing Legolas.

"What is going on in here?" Celeborn asked looking into each of their faces.

"I have written a story about our great quest," Legolas explained before anyone else could open their mouth, "yet there has been some disagreement as to how the events unfolded."

"I see," Galadriel mused, "based on the terror this room is being treated with by everyone within Rivendell I believe we'll just have to hear this story for ourselves."

"Very well," Legolas said opening his book again.

"It's your funeral," Sam said under his breath.

_And so the members of the Fellowship forged blindly ahead into some woods. _

"You are such a liar," Aragorn said sitting up straight, "I knew exactly where we were going!"

_Only Legolas knew where they were going._

"You are such a liar! I knew exactly where we were going!"

"You already said that Aragorn," Pippen pointed out.

"Shut up Pippen," the angry man growled. Galadriel and Celeborn raised their eyes at each other.

_Gimli was afraid of the woods because the trees seemed scary to such a little being. So he made up stories to frighten the poor little hobbits who were also intimidated by the tall trees._

"Rubbish!" Gimli protested standing up and pointing at Legolas. "That is the furthest thing from the truth!"

"And hobbits," Merry said defiantly, "are never frightened. We are incapable of any type of fright or terror."

"Actually," Pippen pointed out, "hobbits can be as afraid as the next person. Merry and I were terrified during the whole quest, start to finish."

This of course launched a debate that all the hobbits took place in. It took about half an hour for everyone else to get them to stop bickering. Finally Legolas was able to resume his story.

_Legolas soon realized that some elven archers were trying to sneak up on them. They were being loud, stomping and crashing though the woods, it was a wonder that the others didn't hear them. But only Legolas did._

"Of course," Boromir spat suddenly, "you forgot to add of course."

"You know I had thought that our soldiers were much quieter then that," Celeborn whispered into his ear softly.

"I told you that Legolas would be the first to go crazy," she whispered back.

_So everyone else in the group was shocked to find that Haldir and his soldiers had surrounded them._

_"The dwarf was breathing so loud so could have shot him in the dark," the clever Legolas quipped causing all of the elves to laugh._

"Wait a second," Frodo mused, "I thought that Haldir said that."

"He did," Aragorn said through gritted teeth.

"It was most unkind of him," the dwarf grumbled. "He shouldn't have made such a joke. I never did anything to him."

Haldir and the other elves had been suspicious of the group when they had first seen them but once they knew Legolas was there they led them right over to meet Galadriel and Celeborn.

"They didn't lead us straight to you guys," Frodo explained, "we had to go through all manner of trials before we reached your presence."

"I'll take your word for it," Galadriel assured the hobbit solemnly.

"You don't believe me?" Legolas asked.

"No," Galadriel said simply. Legolas glared at her and began re-writing something on the page.

"Maybe you shouldn't have said that," Celeborn whispered.

"Perhaps not," the lady answered looking only mildly concerned.


	13. A Very Quick Stop In Lothlorien

_**Author's Note:**_

_Uh oh, we're at chapter thirteen, (it's an unlucky number). So it's not my fault if it sucks, it's just bad luck._

_So thanks as always to the reviewers! surf all day and do the hula, morgiel, E.T.phonehome, ElvenHope, Padfoot Reincarnated, Queen of the Unknown, FFAMasquerade2005, Elvin BlueEyes, Inwe Nolatari, Faerlas, all-evil-grins (Thanks for catching that spelling error!), ladyaymie, HannahCimsGwendolyn, Phantom'sJediBandieGirl, Muddie21, 18, Hoofin' It, maneatingbananas, and MBDTA. You all are awesome! Words can not describe!_

**Chapter #13:**

"Legolas," Frodo asked, "what are you going to do?"

"I'm just telling the story how it was," he answered in an innocent voice still writing furiously.

"Nothing good can possibly come out of this," Boromir commented.

_When Galadriel and Celeborn descended the stairs poor Legolas was in for a shock-_

"Poor Legolas!" Gimli burst out, "what about poor us? We're the ones listening to this nonsense!"

_- Galadriel and Celeborn were drunk!_

The yelling from the room could be heard throughout the whole of Rivendell. Any elf there who had not yet heard of the event occurring in the library was now realizing what evil had entered Rivendell.

In fact Elrond, Arwen, Gandalf, and Glorfindel, (who had started a Survivor's Club), all shuddered in unison, commenting on how they despaired for those still trapped in the "library of horror".

"How could you?"

"Do you have no respect?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Calm down everyone," Galadriel said serenely, "nothing young Legolas can say will upset us and I suggest you all follow our example."

"Wow Lady Galadriel," Pippin said in an admiring voice, "you are probably the toughest, most strongest person I have ever met. Even stronger then Frodo!"

"Pippin! That's a horrible thing to say about Mr. Frodo!"

"I destroyed the One Ring!" Frodo cried, "I saved the world! Is it too much to ask for a little respect? A little thanks?"

"However you couldn't take this kind of verbal abuse without getting upset," Gimli pointed out.

_The leaders of Lothlorien spent hours talking to the Fellowship and yet they didn't make any sense._

"I thought our welcome to Lothlorien was one of the best experiences of our entire journey," Aragorn commented.

"Is that the truth or are you just saying that because of the Lady's relation to your wife?" Boromir whispered.

"Don't answer the question," Celeborn suggested, also whispering,.

_Then Galadriel pulled out a "magic mirror" and pretended there were images in it._

"But it was!" Frodo protested, "I saw images in it!" Galadriel said nothing but her eyes had become icy and cold.

_Frodo, being very very very gullible, believed her._

"I'm not that gullible!"

"Don't you remember the time Pip and I convinced you that there was a monster under your bed?" Merry asked with a chuckle, "We convinced you to buy that monster repellant potion that was actually tomato juice?"

"And told you that loud singing would paralyze it?" Pippin added suppressing wild laughter. The two hobbits collapsed in laughter as Frodo sulked avoiding everyone else's eyes.

"It's not that funny," he hissed at Sam who was having trouble keeping himself from laughing out loud. He was shaking and turning red from the effort.

_Boromir complained the whole time._

"I did not," the ghost-man complained.

"Actually…" Aragorn said slowly.

"Do you want to be haunted forever?"

"I've never heard you complain before," the man finished quickly.

_Gimli, who liked weird, developed a huge crush on Lady Galadriel._

Celeborn burst into laughing while Gimli turned a bright red.

"That's ridicules," the elf lord managed.

Then he noticed that Gimli was not laughing.

"Let's discuss this later," Galadriel said stiffly.

"But-"

"Later."

_All the elves in Lothlorien were very depressed when-_

"When they heard this story!"

"When they heard Legolas was coming for a visit!"

"When they heard Legolas sing!"

_- when it came time for Legolas to leave._

Everyone in the room except for Legolas laughed. The elf glowered and yelled but it wasn't until he began reading again that their laughter subsided.

_Galadriel gifted Legolas with nine gifts which he generously distributed to the less important members of the Fellowship._

"Yeah sure," Merry scoffed, "Galadriel gave Legolas a nice shiny dagger and he gave it to me."

_And then with trumpet fanfare Legolas, and his group, left Lothlorien._

"They were playing their trumpets in joy," Celeborn muttered.

_Lady Galadriel wept with sadness as Legolas disappeared over the horizon._

Galadriel stood up calmly and walked swiftly out of the room. As soon as she was outside they heard her yelling and hitting the walls in rage.

"I think Galadriel and I will be leaving now," Celeborn said quickly as he followed her out of the room.

For a few minutes after she had left the library was silent. Then Aragorn spoke up.

"I never thought anything could shake Lady Galadriel like that."

Legolas just smiled smugly as he fondly stroked his pile of papers.


	14. The Club

_**Author's Note:**_

_So this chapter is short, I just wanted to post in order to get away from chapter thirteen. Anyway thank you to everyone who reviewed. I thin instead of replying in my author's note I'm going to just start replying, it will make the notes shorter. Thanks to everyone who did review, I always love getting reviews!_

**Chapter #14:**

Galadriel and Celeborn went swiftly to where the "Survivor's Club" had met. The members looked up in shock as they entered.

"This madness had gone on long enough," Galadriel said sternly. "Now we are some of the most powerful people around. We cannot, I repeat cannot, allow a few pages with cruel words written on them to defeat us."

"I don't want to risk going in there again," Gandalf said quickly, "it's too terrible."

"What we need," Arwen said thoughtfully, "are reinforcements. People who we can convince to come. Also they have to be people who we can send in and not feel bad if they are forced to hear the story."

"In other words people who are already insane," Gandalf mused with a smile. "I think all we have to do is to go back over those involved in the War of the Ring."

"Don't forget Thranduil," Glorfindel added, "he won't want to miss this."

"I'll send messengers out as quickly as possible," Elrond announced.

And that's how the "Survivor's Club" became the "Stop Legolas' Story Group" or the SLSG for short.

Meanwhile Legolas continued to go on and on as he told his story.

_The journey down the long and winding river began with a fight between Aragorn and Boromir. Legolas finally had to separate them by having them each sit in a different boat._

"We didn't even fight while we were going down the river!" Aragorn burst out.

"We only sulked," Boromir pointed out.

"Actually," Frodo interjected, "you guys did fight."

"Legolas was right about something," Pippin yelled, "it's the end of the world!"

"It does imply a certain amount of distress in the universe," Gimli mused, "but as long as this story doesn't become a widely spread legend we're all right." The comment did not amuse Legolas.

_Legolas and Gimli were in the same boat. Unfortunately Gimli was unable to reach the water with his paddle and so was no help at all. Once again the dwarf's height was causing problems._

"Stop making height jokes!" Gimli roared. "I paddled just as much as you did elf! Height has nothing to do with paddling!" Aragorn patted Gimli's arm consolingly.

Despite having Gimli for a partner Legolas could have out-rowed them all.

"Sure," Sam scoffed, "because Legolas is the best boat-paddle-er in ALL of Middle Earth."


	15. The Fellowship Loose Their Minds

_**Author's Note:**_

_I'm graduated from high school! Ah! It's so weird. I just had the ceremony this afternoon so this is sort of the first time I've had to work on this, I'm really sorry it's taken so long, things have been really hectic but it should calm down now._

_Okay, so I've put off writing Boromir's death once again. I just haven't been able to write it, any ideas would be greatly appreciated. So anyway this chapter is on the short, (and completely insane), side and I'm really, really sorry. Please forgive me. Please!_

_Thank you for all of your reviews and for reading! I hope you enjoy this!_

**Chapter #15**

_Legolas knew that the Fellowship was being followed._

"That wasn't abrupt or anything," Boromir muttered.

"If Aragorn didn't notice I find it hard to believe that Legolas could," Frodo commented.

"Yeah," Sam agreed, "Strider is the very best."

_It was not just because elves were just amazingly better at that kind of stuff-_

"Then what was it?" Pippin asked with wide eyes.

_- it was because of the smell._

"What?" The whole room chorused as one. By now that had all been enduring the horror together for so long that they were re-acting unanimously. Merry and Pippin felt very nervous while Aragorn and Frodo simply looked as if nothing would surprise them by now.

_Aragorn and Boromir smelled so incredibly terrible that neither of them, not even Aragorn, could detect the Uruk-hai's horrid stench over their own smelly smelliness._

Both Aragorn and Boromir, verbally attacked by yet another 'Smelly Man Jibe' reacted by bellowing at the elf at the top of their lungs. Unfortunately their yells were both so furious and loud that they drowned each other out.

"Claim to be my friend and then-"

"- ever! Not once did I give you reason to warrant such an accusation!"

"- every single day! There was just that one time and that was only because-"

"If anyone was to be called smelly it would be Aragorn! I on the other hand-"

Gimli mouthed the words "smelly smelliness" with raised eyebrows. The four hobbits had burst out in laughter and were quickly attacked by the two men.

"Don't see what's so funny you ungrateful little-"

"- don't smell so great yourselves so I wouldn't open my mouth if I were you!"

By the time the two men had run out of breath and stopped yelling and had been reduced to breathing heavily Legolas was ready to continue his story.

_Of course even Aragorn and Boromir had noticed that Gollum was following them._

"He was?" Gimli asked quietly. Merry and Pippin exchanged a look and shrugged.

_Then again he had been following them for so long that Legolas was shocked at how long it had taken them to notice._

"Did everyone hear that?" Boromir asked in mock shock standing up dramatically as he did so. "Legolas the all powerful didn't know something and it surprised him? I may just die of shock!"

"Umm Boromir," Frodo said tentatively, "you're already dead." Boromir sank back into his chair running a pale hand over his head.

"Well its true," Pippin pointed out as Merry made patting motions at Boromir's transparent arm.

"I know," Boromir sighed, "I just don't like being reminded."

"Sorry Boromir," Frodo apologized.

_Of course as soon as the Fellowship landed on the bank of the river they began bickering and splitting up. Legolas knew-_

"Absolutely everything there was to know ever. The end." Sam quipped.

_- that no good would come out of it. He tried to keep them all together._

"But it wasn't good enough!" Frodo crowed, "I wandered away and Legolas wasn't able to stop me." The hobbit then began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Mr. Frodo's cracked," Sam practically giggled, "but it's funny." Merry and Pippin were also laughing, tears running down their faces.

"So this is what it's like to go completely insane," Gimli chuckled, "now I know how the elf felt when he wrote this monstrosity." Boromir stood up.

"I'm dead," he laughed, "and it's funny!" Aragorn rocked back in forth with silent laughter.

Outside the library doors the SLSG looked at each other. Now, besides from the original members, there was also Thranduil, the ghost of Theoden, the ghost of Denethor, Faramir and Eowyn (happily married to each other), Eomer, and even the ghost of Gollum. The new people were visibly nervous.

"I'm not sure I want to go in there anymore," Eomer announced, "I'm sure they can all take care of themselves."

"Make the noise stop, make it stop precious!" Gollum was cringing and covering his ears with his hands.

"My son has caused this?" Thranduil asked Elrond who nodded gravely.

"We have to help them," Faramir announced, "they are our friends and they are in the gravest of troubles!"

"Look at me! I'm Legolas and I can fly!" Pippin cried from behind the library doors. Then they heard a loud crash and more laughter.

"I'm not sure if those are our friends anymore," Eowyn said backing away from the door, "there may not be any sanity left for us to save." SLSG nodded gravely all taking an extra step back away from the door.


	16. The Fellowship Turn On Each Other

_**Author's Note:**_

_I really could have broken this chapter into two but I felt that I owed you guys a really long one. So I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for reading!_

_Thanks to those who gave me ideas for the next chapter! They were really great ideas and I tried to use as many as I could. Those who offered suggestions were all-evil-grins, and arachelly. The ideas were so great, I loved them! I also had a lot of help from enigmagirl2727 who beta-ed the chapter and helped me with the end._

**Chapter #16:**

The Fellowship had no idea what was going on just outside the library doors. They had exhausted themselves and had collapsed back into their seats. Legolas was glaring at them as the last giggles died away. The elf continued his tale in a loud grumpy voice.

_The leader of the Fellowship tried his best to keep his childish and easily distracted group together._

"If anyone was the leader of the Fellowship it was Aragorn," Boromir's ghost proclaimed loyally.

"Or Mr. Frodo," Sam, (equally loyally,) added.

"No offense," Boromir chuckled, "but Frodo barely had a clue what he was doing. He saw the whole thing through with a heavy dose of luck."

"That's not true," Sam muttered rebelliously.

"How often were the two of you lost while you were on your own?"

"Not too much…"

"Without Gollum's help?" Sam and Frodo said nothing. "I rest my case," Boromir stated with a ghostly grin.

_Even an impressive speech from the lips of their dear leader couldn't stop them from wandering off._

"Impressive speech my great dwarvish behind!"

"I didn't understand a word of what you said that day, it just sounded like gibberish."

"You barely said two whole sentences!"

"Three if you count after the battle."

"Gimli had me so scared I wasn't even listening."

"I wandered off before you had time to say a word let alone a speech."

"Me too."

_But before Legolas could retrieve the wayward members of the Fellowship something happened he hadn't expected._

The listeners mock gasped in shock at the idea of something surprising Legolas but refrained from further comment. They wouldn't have admitted it but they couldn't help but be curious about what Legolas would claim happened next in the tale.

_Elrond and Galadriel began mind-talking to him._

This pronouncement had shocked the Fellowship and those outside into silence, leaving Legolas free to continue.

_"O great Legolas," Elrond began._

_"Wisest of all the elves," Galadriel continued._

The real Galadriel called Legolas some rather strong words that caused all who heard to gasp in shock and those closest to retreat fro her in terror.

_They explained to Legolas that they had a new mission he had to do._

_"But what about the ring?" The intelligent elf asked._

"Obviously in elvish intelligent can also mean delusional," Merry commented.

_Galadriel answered the handsome elf gravely._

"And handsome must mean ugly," Pippin added.

_"The ring has become secondary," Elrond told him, "it hardly matters anymore."_

"Mr. Frodo destroying the ring saved all of us in Middle Earth," Sam protested, "including you Legolas, in case you forgot."

_"Legolas," Galadriel said, "we need you to destroy Sauron himself, once and for all."_

Everyone in the room burst out laughing.

_"I was too weak," Elrond admitted, "but you are so much more powerful."_

"Elrond wields more power then you do, and always will." Aragorn pointed out.

"Suck up," Gimli coughed.

_"Legolas do not fail us," the two elves pleaded as they left Legolas' mind._

"Have you had enough?" Elrond asked Galadriel.

"The best thing for me to do is walk away," she replied, "otherwise I may do something immature to punish Legolas."

"We can have a nice quiet meal," Elrond suggested as they walked away.

"And then put something squishy in Legolas' bed," Galadriel added.

"Sounds good," Elrond grinned.

"I always wondered where Elrohir and Elladan got it from," Arwen mused to Thranduil.

_With his new mission in mind Legolas decided that he wouldn't need the hobbits, they would only slow him down._

The four hobbits stood up and indignantly yelled at Legolas.

"I saved Middle Earth!"

"I became a knight of Gondor!"

"I was an esquire of Rohan and I defeated the Witch King!"

"I fought a giant spider! Not just any old spider, a super-sized, gigantic, humongous-"

"Okay Sam," Boromir interrupted, "we get it."

_But before Legolas could go and find the hobbits his superior mind and ability to see into the future told him that Boromir was going to go crazy and die._

"And has your 'superior mind and ability to see into the future' informed you that I'm going to beat you up?" Boromir asked standing up. "I didn't go crazy!"

"You tried to kill me and take the ring!" Frodo protested.

"I was possessed," Boromir argued, "that's completely different then crazy."

"Maybe not completely different," Gimli muttered.

_Legolas found Boromir trying to kill Frodo._

"I told you," Frodo exclaimed.

_Of course Frodo was completely helpless against the attack and was about to have the ring taken from him when Legolas saved him._

"Liar!" Frodo accused Legolas, "I fended him off without any help."

"On the contrary," Boromir stated, "you used the ring to 'fend me off'. On your own you wouldn't have stood a chance."

"You want to fight, ghost?" Frodo asked making fists and jabbing at Boromir's transparent body.

"Gentlemen," Aragorn broke in warningly, "this is not the time. The enemy here is Legolas and we should devote all of our anger towards him."

"Your just mad because he called you smelly," Sam spoke up.

_Legolas tried to talk some sense into Boromir but it proved impossible._

"That part could be true," Merry chuckled causing Boromir to pout.

_So Legolas went to find Frodo._

_"Thank you heroic and brave Legolas," Frodo exclaimed upon seeing his savior, "you have saved my life."_

"Never happened!" Frodo managed to say through his anger.

_"Frodo," Legolas told the frightened hobbit-_

"Frodo's scared because Legolas is so ugly it's terrifying," Aragorn said. Gimli burst out laughing and Legolas shot the two of them an 'evil death glare'.

_-you must go on your own._

_"But Legolas," Frodo whimpered, "I'm to scared to go out on my own."_

"I told Frodo to go!" Aragorn shouted.

"No Aragorn," Frodo argued, "it was all my idea! And I wasn't scared."

"Oh don't lie," Aragorn snapped, "you were terrified."

_"You won't be own your own Frodo," Legolas reassured him, "the other hobbits can go with you."_

_"They don't count at all," Frodo wailed, "they'll only cause problems!"_

Sam, Merry, and Pippin all turned to glare at Legolas.

"Short doesn't mean worthless!"

"So killing the Witch King is a problem is it?"

"Come on Merry, will you stop going on about killing the witch king!"

_"Then just bring Sam," Legolas sighed, "you know what a basket case he'll turn into if you abandon him. Also if anything starts chasing you, you and use him as bait so you can get away."_

_"Thanks Legolas!" Frodo gushed, "You really think of everything!"_

"I am not a basket case without Mr. Frodo!" Sam yelled, "Why do people always imply that I can't go on without him. If anything it's the other way around!" Frodo slowly turned to look at Sam.

"Excuse me?"

"It's the truth and you know it," Sam told Frodo, "you wouldn't have gotten close to Mordor without me."

"Oh like you could do any better!"

_Just then the Uruk-hai army attacked. Frodo ran while Legolas fended them off. In less then a minute almost the whole army was defeated._

"You've got to be joking!"

"What battle were you in Legolas?"

"I think he was fighting Saruman's evil Uruk-hai ant army," mused Boromir.

_It was as Legolas was fighting the leader of the army, and the last Uruk-hai alive, that Boromir charged onto the scene._

"I fought that guy!" Aragorn shouted in a hurt voice, "I killed him! Legolas didn't even see him!"

_Boromir, trying to make up for going insane earlier, jumped in the way and tried to kill the Uruk-hai. He swung his sword wildly and was quickly killed._

"That was fast," Pippin commented.

_In fact, with Boromir's stupid-ness, (not to mention his smelliness), Legolas was surprised he hadn't died sooner._

Almost everyone in the room had a comment to make.

"Not again with the smelly men thing," Aragorn moaned. "Can't you give it a rest?"

"Boromir died valiantly," Merry yelled indigently.

"He died saving Merry and me from death," Pippin added, "he saved our lives!"

"You're just jealous you missed that part of the battle," Frodo said.

"You couldn't have done half as well as Strider did!"

"That was cruel," Gimli growled, "Boromir was a great fighter." Even Legolas privately thought that in making fun of Boromir's death he had gone overboard though he refused to say that out loud.

In fact everyone had said something except for Boromir. But if looks could kill Legolas would have died faster then, well, he had killed Boromir in his story.

_"They took those stupid short people," Boromir told Legolas as he died. "You should probably save them or something. I would have followed you to the end. My captain, my king! Legolas you are the greatest being in all of Middle Earth and beyond. Knowing you was the greatest part of my life." And then Boromir died._

"I have to thank you Legolas," Boromir said stiffly, "but only for reminding me of my being dead." Boromir turned to the rest of the Fellowship. "I'm sorry to leave you all here, stuck listening to this atrocious, smelly, writing. But I've had enough!"

"What are you going to do?" Pippin asked.

"I'm going to walk right through that wall," the ghost replied.

And then he did so.


	17. Endings and Beginnings

_**Author's Note:**_

_Okay we're at Chapter Sixteen! I'm sorry this one's a little short but I just wanted to tie up the end of the Fellowship before starting on the Two Towers. Yay! Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I just love getting reviews._

_Anyway I just wanted to say that if you're an Alias fan you should read my good friend Girl Scout's newest story, __A Soph Hop Romance in Langley__. It's posted on this account so it should be really easy to find! But it's really good so you should check it out, I mean if you like Alias._

**Chapter #16:**

"No Boromir," Pippin yelled, "take me with you!"

"Me too!" the other hobbits cried.

"Why couldn't I be the dead one?" Aragorn lamented.

"Lucky ghost," Gimli muttered.

"Are you all ready to listen to more of my story?" Legolas asked.

"Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Everyone in the room moaned in horror.

"Too bad," the elf chuckled with an evil grin. The sounds of crazed sobbing just got louder.

_The group was surprisingly not upset in the least by the death of the smelly man Boromir. Legolas could understand their point of view, he hadn't liked Boromir much either._

"But we liked Boromir!" Merry shouted standing up.

"Yeah he died to protect us," Pippin added. "Where were you Legolas? Where were you?"

"That is a very good question," Sam mused. Legolas ignored them and continued reading in the closest thing to a dignified voice he could muster.

_Aragorn went and stole Boromir's gauntlets when he thought no one was looking._

"That's a lie!" Aragorn protested.

"Actually I think I did see you wearing the lad's gauntlets after he died," Gimli observed looking over at the king.

"Boromir would have wanted me to have those," Aragorn defended his actions to the rest of the Fellowship. "He knew that mine were getting a little ratty."

"Shame on you Aragorn," Frodo admonished.

_Aragorn and Gimli stood around lost, trying to figure out what to do next. Finally Legolas had to offer his brilliant suggestion._

_"We should go and save those two hobbits who were caught from torment and death."_

"Those were my words," Aragorn yelled, "sort of!"

_"Let's hunt some orc!" _

"Those were definitely my lines," Aragorn pointed out.

_Legolas cried in a noble voice. Gimli laughed-_

"At how funny Legolas sounded while trying to be noble," Gimli cut in.

_- at Legolas' wit as he and the man followed their brave leader onward._

They all burst into laughter at that thought.

_That is the end-_

The cheering heard at that part could be heard through the whole of Rivendell. But it was not as loud as the Fellowships reaction to Legolas' next sentence.

_- of part one of our tale. And now to begin part two._

Everyone in the room screamed. They hadn't even thought to prepare themselves for this new horrible idea. The screams reverberated through Rivendell and even beyond. Elrond and Galadriel who were out in the gardens looking for earthworms and slugs exchanged dark looks.

Elrohir and Elladan were riding on horses towards Rivendell. At the sound of the screaming they stopped and looked at each other.

"Perhaps we should skip our trip to Rivendell for now," Elrohir said to his twin looking over the city with worried eyes.

"I think you may just be right," Elladan replied. Then they turned their horses and left Rivendell in the dust.

The twins had no idea how lucky they were.

Meanwhile outside the library doors the SLSG were covering their ears to block out the screaming. These were the same people who had faced down the armies of Sauron and now the thought of what lay behind that door was more horrible then anything Sauron could have thrown at them.

"This has to stop," Arwen told them. They all nodded.

"So who will go in?" Eomer asked.

The whole group stopped and looked suspiciously at each other.

_**Other Author's Note:**_

_So in the next chapter two of the SLSG will be going into the library. Who will it be? That's up to you readers! You can vote in your review and the two with the highest number of votes are going in. One vote per person. Thanks a lot!_


	18. Two New Listeners

_**Author's Note:**_

_And so, the votes are in! The winners, (or losers), were Arwen and Eomer. So they'll be going in and staying until… I don't know. But I guess they'll be there for a few chapters at the least. But don't worry if the person you wanted isn't going in now, they'll all get a chance!_

_Oh my god, I got three hundred reviews, I think I'm going to die! You guys are the best! This is so awesome and I have to thank you all for every review. So I'm going to post three chapters in three days. I know it's not much but it's what I can give you all to say thank you. And I suppose to apologize for all the times I didn't have a timely update._

_I also wanted to mention that this is chapter eighteen and I'm eighteen years old so I don't know, I guess I'm hoping that it's going to be lucky. Maybe not, I don't know._

**Chapter #18:**

"I vote Eomer," Arwen suggested, "as he was the one to suggest it."

"I vote Arwen," Eomer countered, "because she… well, just because!"

The elf lady and the man stared at each other with distrust. They seemed to be locked in a bitter staring contest to determine who should go in. The rest of the group looked at them nervously as if scared they would break into an all out fist fight.

"I vote that both Eomer and Arwen go in!" Denethor the ex-steward slash ghost shouted pointing a finger at each of them, "though I have no justification to support my reasoning." To point at Eomer he ended up pointing right through his own son. Faramir rolled his eyes as if he's seen it all before, then he stepped out of his father's transparent arm. Denethor made no motion as if he'd noticed his younger son.

"We second and third that!" Gollum piped up with an evil grin at the elf and the man who were now gaping over with identical looks of horror. One by one all the other members of the SLSG agreed with Denethor and Gollum.

"You too?" Eomer groaned to his sister.

"Sorry," she answered, "but if it's you going in then it's not me."

And so, with much trepidation, Arwen and Eomer walked through the library doors. There was insanity going on in the library, instantly the two new comers tried to run right back out but the other members of the SLSG, (or at least those who could still move objects), had already shut the doors.

The four hobbits were hugging each other and screaming, Gimli the dwarf was destroying a whole bookcase with his axe while yelling about elf princlings who willfully choose to drive their friends insane. Aragorn was rocking back and forth on his chair and muttering nonstop under his breath. Legolas was ignoring them all and adding things to his precious story.

When the group noticed the two newcomers they all stopped what they were doing in a split second. Then Aragorn ran at Arwen and hugged her tight.

"Never cheated…" the king muttered, "I wouldn't cheat… I never cheated…love you…"

"What has this story done to you?" she asked stroking his head.

"Legolas is a liar," he told her simply.

"I know love," she assured him, "I know."

"Eomer!" Merry shouted happily. The hobbit had spent a lot of time with the king of Rohan during the last part of the War of the Ring.

"Good to have a sane person in the room again," Gimli told Eomer, "I may look like the picture of sanity and rationality but the truth is that I've completely lost it." The dwarf waved his hand around at the rest of the people in the room. "We've all lost it, we're all too far gone to come back from it."

"But you're sanity won't last for too long," Frodo gravely informed the king, "I'd give you half and hour."

"I bet it'll take him forty-five minutes before he looses it," Aragorn said as he hugged Arwen.

"Fifteen!" Pippin wagered.

"Thanks a lot Pippin," Eomer said sarcastically to the hobbit, "your lack of confidence wounds me deeply."

"What does the winner get?" Sam asked.

"The winner gets to be the first one to visit a shrink," Arwen suggested as she and Aragorn sat down on the couch.

"In that case I guess," Sam thought for a minute, "Fifty-two minutes before he goes crazy."

"You are my favorite," Eomer told Sam putting an arm around the hobbit.

"Okay," Legolas interrupted, "enough of this. It's time for me to finish my story!" Everyone else in the library groaned as they prepared themselves for the horror of part two. Each one of them was wondering how much longer Legolas would subject them all to his story.


	19. Welcome To Gondor!

_**Author's Note:**_

_So here's the nineteenth chapter… hope you like it! I just wanted to say thank you to the people who reviewed between when I posted yesterday and when I posted today, you guys rock!_

**Chapter #19:**

_And then the three hunters began to run._

"My feet still have nightmares from all that running," Gimli shuddered.

_But Gimli and Aragorn were soooo sooooo sooooooo incredibly slow-_

"That is a lie!" Aragorn yelled, his eyes wild.

"I know dear," Arwen patted his hand to soothe him. Gimli didn't add anything, but instead squirmed slightly in his seat.

_- that what should have been a three hour trip to the border of Rohan took three days._

"I know for a fact," Eomer remarked, "that to get from Amon Hen to the border of Rohan is three days at the very least. It's incredible if you can travel the distance in that time, especially on foot and when already weary from a battle."

"Thank you!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"I wonder how long it took for the Uruk-Hai to travel from Amon Hen to the border of Rohan," Merry mused. Pippin answered at once.

"It took **four** days," he began counting on his fingers, "**eight** hours, **fifteen** minutes, and **sixteen** seconds." Everyone in the room, even Legolas, stared at the innocent hobbit with their mouths gaping open. Noticing that he was getting funny looks Pippin sighed. "There just wasn't anything else to do," he defended himself, "it's not as if the Uruk-Hai could make decent conversation, and Merry, you were passed out." _(**23**LOST**42**—sorry couldn't resist. I'll go away now…)_

_It was taking it's toll on the man and the dwarf. Aragorn fell asleep on a rock he was so tired and Gimli fell down several times._

"It was a tracking method!" Aragorn shouted. "I was trying to save Merry and Pippin from the Uruk-Hai, all you were doing was prancing across the countryside with your sparkling blond hair flowing gracefully in the wind!"

"And people say things about you two," Eomer whispered to Frodo and Sam.

"What do you mean?" Frodo asked looking confused.

"What kinds of things?" Sam squinted up at Eomer.

"Never mind…" Eomer trailed off with a pitying gaze at the two completely innocent hobbits.

_In fact Gimli had fallen down so many times that he was spending more time on the ground then on his feet. He was slowing them down even more then the man using the rocks as pillows._

"I fell down once," Gimli yelled, "that's one single time."

_Then Legolas' keen and beautiful blue eyes-_

"As blue as the deep blue sea," Merry sang.

"And bluer then the sky that blankets all!" Pippin continued the tune. Then the two hobbits finished by pretending to swoon.

_- spotted a small green pendant in the shape of a leaf._

_"Tis one of the wee hobbits little pins," Legolas told the other two, "they must be sending us a message for not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall."_

"That was my idea!" Pippin crowed happily.

"And those were my lines!" Aragorn snarled angrily, "What are you targeting me because now my wife is here to witness the humiliation?" Legolas replied by smiling in a way that would have frightened a warg. "You'd better watch out Sam," Aragorn said to the hobbit. Sam shuddered picturing Rosie listening to the horrible story.

_"This means that they are still alive," Legolas assured Aragorn and Gimli who had burst into tears like frightened little children at the thought of Merry and Pippin being dead._

"I didn't know you cared!" Merry exclaimed and clapped Gimli's shoulder.

"I knew you cared," Pippin told the two of them. Then he gave a startled Aragorn a hug.

"I didn't cry!" Gimli defended himself. Everyone else turned to Aragorn.

"I didn't either," he said throwing his hands in the air.

_Soon after that the three of them reached the border of Rohan. Of course Aragorn had gotten mixed up from their travels._

_"Welcome to Gondor!" He shouted and Gimli, being an idiot but wanting to look smart, agreed with the confused man._

"Aragorn is a ranger," Frodo defended the man.

"Also as King of Gondor," Eomer pointed out, "it's not likely that Aragorn could not recognize the land of his ancestors."

"And Gimli here is not an idiot," Sam directed his comment at Legolas.

"Thank you master hobbit," he practically hugged the hobbit out of gratitude, "some people just don't appreciate having me around."

_"We are in Rohan my poor simpleton," Legolas chuckled patting the man on the top of the head._

"I did say Rohan in real life," Aragorn mentioned, "not whacked out coo-coo crazy Legolas life."

_"I knew that," Gimli said lamely still trying to sound smart._

"But I actually did know that," Gimli cried out in frustration.


	20. Magic Arrows

_**Author's Note:**_

_I hope you all like this chapter! It's chapter twenty, wow! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last few chapters!_

**Chapter #20:**

_As the sun rose Legolas sensed, due to his ability to see events that were occurring far away-_

"His imaginary ability to see events that were occurring far away," Sam mocked. Frodo, Merry, and Pippin snickered and high-fived with Sam.

_- that during the night many Rohan soldiers had fallen in battle destroying the Uruk-Hai camp._

"That's not accurate," Eomer bristled at the poke against his people's fighting abilities, "that was a highly successful raid."

_He could also tell that the Uruk-Hai had all been killed and that Merry and Pippin had entered Fangorn Forest. But he also knew that Aragorn was so stuck up that he would only believe it if another human told him. So when he heard the Rohan army led by Eomer approaching he said nothing._

"Don't even say it," Arwen cautioned her husband.

"But it was me that first noticed them approaching," Aragorn whined but stopped talking when Arwen narrowed her eyes.

_So then the Rohan army surrounded them and the leader spoke to them._

_"What business," he demanded, "does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?" Before Legolas could do anything Gimli did something stupid._

"And I'm not denying that it wasn't a little foolish," Gimli interrupted loudly, "but I was tired from all the infernal running and wasn't thinking clearly."

_"If you tell me your name I'll honor you by telling you mine," Gimli taunted._

"Okay," Gimli sighed, "that's not exactly what I said."

"It's basically what you said," Eomer pointed out, "except that you didn't say it so stupidly."

_"I'd cut off your head, dwarf," Eomer snapped, "if it stood but a little higher from the ground."_

"Now that's a good short joke," Gimli chuckled clapping Eomer on the back.

"Now I believe that you've lost it," Eomer answered.

_Legolas knew that no human could come up with that good of a short joke so he knew that Eomer was obviously-_

"An elf cleverly disguised as a human!"

"A hobbit who's really tall!"

"Or under a spell!"

"Well versed in the ancient art of short jokes!"

"Really a dwarf!"

_- Saruman in disguise._

"What!" Eomer roared.

_For though Saruman was a pathetic and utterly harmless wizard-_

"A harmless wizard who captured Gandalf and imprisoned him for months," Frodo commented.

"Who also made the Uruk-Hai that killed Boromir and countless others," Merry added.

"He was also the 'pathetic one' who almost defeated us all at Helm's Deep," Eomer mentioned. Of course none of them thought that their reasoning would reach Legolas at all. They were right.

_- he was famous for his quick-witted short jokes that could almost compare with the elves._

"Legolas has taken a turn for the goofier," Arwen said calmly.

"Darling," Aragorn whispered, "you're cutting off my circulation." Arwen had been gripping her husband's hand tighter and tighter since she had sat down.

_So Legolas drew his bow-_

"And by the sheer hotness of his elvish figure drew Saruman from Eomer's body," Arwen giggled.

"Do me a favor," Aragorn said to his wife, "and never say anything like that

again."

_- and pulled out a magic arrow._

"Oh did he," Eomer chuckled suggestively.

"You have a dirty mind my friend," Aragorn commented.

"None of that now," Gimli said sternly, "there are young innocent hobbits in this room and we're trying our best not to corrupt them."

"And failing miserably," Frodo added.

_Then Legolas shot Eomer with the un-possessing arrow and Saruman was sent out of the man._

"It's funny but you'd think that I'd have remembered some of this," Gimli mused sarcastically. Eomer started laughing, rocking back and forth.

"Don't laugh," Legolas whined, "I'm only telling things as they were. Nothing but the truth!"

"Liar!" Eomer roared. Then, still giggling a little, he threw himself at Legolas and began trying to strangle the blond elf. No one moved to protect Legolas though no one moved to help Eomer either. They had all matured beyond the need to attack Legolas for every insult. Eomer and Legolas were suddenly interrupted by a triumphant yell.

"I won!" Pippin was shouting.

"Excuse me?" Eomer asked confused.

"Fifteen minutes on the dot," the hobbit explained excitedly, "I get to see the shrink first when this horror is over!"


	21. A Feast To Honor Legolas And A Fire?

_**Author's Note:**_

_And so we're on to chapter twenty one! I'm sorry about how long it's been. I had a sudden burst of inspiration on one of the stories I write on my other account plus I posted a new story, also on that account. But I have certainly not stopped working on this story. I'm just not that good at balancing._

_Thank you so much for the reviews! You all are amazing! This story is dedicated to all of you, hope you enjoy the chapter!_

**Chapter #21:**

_Eomer was so thankful to Legolas that he prepared a feast to celebrate the greatness that was all elves and that Legolas especially embodied. All of the humans plus Gimli the dwarf, though unworthy to bask in Legolas' greatness, tried their hardest to be worthy to sit in his presence…_

After a fight with Eomer Legolas seemed even more cruel then before. Maybe it had to do with the rapidly darkening bruise around his eye, or even the chunk of hair that Eomer had managed to rip out.

Everyone else in the room was ignoring the long rant that Legolas was reading as they admired the hair and took turns laughing at the elf.

_After the party was completed Legolas gave a speech of appreciation for how hard the men and dwarf had tried to be acceptable dinner party members. The speech moved many of them to tears._

"Tears of uncontrollable laughter of course," Gimli snorted.

"At how stupid Legolas looked," Arwen giggled.

"And at how silly his attempted speech was," Sam added.

_"Legolas," Eomer said in farewell, "now that we have met you all other beings seem inferior."_

"I've met many a horse that was ten times as smart as you," the real Eomer growled in frustration crushing the ripped out pieces of hair in his hand.

"Even Gollum was smarter then him," Frodo said. From behind the library doors they were all startled to hear a scream that sounded suspiciously like, _Nasty hobbitses insults us and we hates them!_, that caused Sam in particular to twitch.

_Then Eomer gifted Legolas with the finest horse that they had-_

"On the contrary the horses I gave to you were the worst horses we had," Eomer countered, "I mean they really were not competent horses."

"You gave us horses that wouldn't be any help if we'd have run into enemies?" Aragorn asked, his eyes narrowed.

"Look you guys were very rude to me," Eomer tried to defend himself.

_- and then Legolas rode off into the sunset._

"And distracted by the glare of the sun he rode his horse straight into a large tree," Merry quipped while Pippin acted the lovely scene out for all to see using his chair as the horse.

_After he had left Eomer and his men-_

"Threw the largest party ever seen in Middle Earth to celebrate," Eomer laughed.

_- were very sad._

"Umm," Arwen said. They all gaped, they weren't sure the poised Elf had ever uttered something like that before. In fact the story seemed to be bringing out a lot of characteristics and behaviors they had never seen before.

_Legolas led Aragorn and Gimli over to where the Uruk-Hai bodies were being burned. The horrible stench and the sight of the charred and broken bodies caused Aragorn and Gimli to retch._

"Yes that's very likely," Pippin rolled his eyes, "two of the fiercest warriors alive who have each killed hundreds of Uruk-Hai can't stand the sight of them dead and burned."

"Liar!" Aragorn and Gimli shouted at Legolas.

_Then believing the Merry and Pippin were dead the immature-_

"Who do you think he'll pick on?" Gimli asked. "You or me?"

"Probably me," Aragorn sighed.

_- Aragorn- _

"Knew it!" Aragorn cheered.

"Knowing when someone is about to make fun of you is not a good thing," Frodo pointed out. Arwen patted her pouting husbands arm trying to console him.

_- threw a huge hissy fit._

They all laughed trying to picture the dignified king throwing a hissy fit.

_He cried and stomped around. Then he threw things and screamed._

The image only caused everyone to laugh louder.

"Please stop," Arwen pleaded wiping tears from her eyes.

_Aragorn rounded the whole display out by kicking a helmet. But it hurt him so much that he cursed and hopped up and down sucking on the injured foot._

No one could make comments on this as they were all paralyzed with laughter. Except of course for Aragorn who was yelling and waving his arms at Legolas who was doing his best to ignore the crazed king.

_"Those little hobbits aren't dead," Legolas told them. He had known it from when they had first found the burning Uruk-Hai bodies but it had been just too funny watching Gimli and Aragorn make fools out of themselves to tell them at once._

"I wasn't the one sucking on my own foot!" Gimli roared, "How was I making a fool of myself?"

"I was not doing any of that either!" Aragorn yelled.

"Actually," Gimli countered, "I seem to vividly remember you kicking a helmet."

"Some friend you are…" the king muttered darkly.

_"It is quite obvious that the hobbits have run into that forest," Legolas continued, "and I am sensing that they met an Ent while in there. We should go and make sure that the Ent doesn't think they are a threat."_

"That's impossible!" Aragorn screeched, "there's no way that he could sense that!" Aragorn turned to Eomer. "We must retaliate! Let's burn the hair!" Eomer held the ripped chuck of hair up with an evil grin.

The members of the SLSG looked at each other in terror as they heard the noises from within the room. They could hear a great deal of chanting and cackling accompanied by Legolas screaming. There was also a great deal of smoke pouring out from under the doors.


	22. FIRE!

_**Author's Note:**_

_ Well, this chapter is going to be short, but I promise another one soon. I felt that, due to my obsession with fire, we would need some time to deal with it. Also, I wanted to find a way to bring in some new listeners and free one of those trapped in the library._

_Anyway thanks to everyone who reviewed! You guys are the best, I really appreciate every review, even if it doesn't say much. Hope you all enjoy the chapter!_

**Chapter #22:**

The putting out of the fire that Aragorn and Eomer had started in the library of Rivendell caused quite a big to do. Usually calm and dignified elves were running here and there, carrying water and yelling to other elves to help them.

Of course the elves were completely confused as to why the King of Gondor and the King of Rohan had decided to set the Prince of Mirkwood's hair aflame and indeed how said hair had been ripped from Legolas' scalp in the first place. Neither of the three people involved saw fit to, or were able to explain.

Many of the elves had asked Elrond, who was carrying several buckets of what appeared to be mud with the help of his mother-in-law, what was happening but only got maniacal laughter and vague hints of everything being Legolas' fault out of their Lord. All in all Rivendell was not having a quiet or calm day, and the twins weren't even around.

But if the craziness in Rivendell was reaching an all time high it was nothing compared with what was happening inside the now smoking library.

Legolas was protecting his papers with a frantic gleam that scared all who saw it. Obviously it had crossed the hobbits minds to steal them to add to the fire. But Legolas was fierce and they soon grew bored and gave up to do something more fun.

"Burn the hair! Burn the hair! Burn the hair!" Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin chanted as they danced around the flames. Gimli was chopping up a chair with his axe in order to fuel the fire.

Arwen and Aragorn were standing in front of the fire, holding hands and staring into each other's eyes in a lovey-dovey way.

"… and when you brought the flame to touch the hair Eomer held out to you," Arwen was saying, "I remembered exactly why I loved you."

"I never cheated," Aragorn answered in an equally sweet voice.

The members of the SLSG had flung the doors open and were directing elves with water in to try to put out the fire.

Unfortunately those elves had to deal with the four hobbits, who were oddly protective of the fire. They grabbed books off the shelves and began hitting any elf that approached with intentions to put the fire out. Gimli would have joined them if not for the fact that his axe had, _somehow_, gotten trapped in the wall.

The truth was that our dwarvish friend had decided to escape the library and was attempting to tunnel through the wall. He had considered going down through the floor but then had decided that going through the floor would take too long and he would be caught before he could get away.

Unfortunately he was noticed by the ghost of Gollum. The little possessed creature was infuriated at the idea of someone getting out.

"He tries to leaves he does! Stupid hairy dwarveses!" He screeched at the top of his ghostly lungs, causing the elves, who had delicate hearing to cover their ears and whimper.

(Even _Legolas_!)

"Stop that infernal racket or I'll make you stop," Gimli threatened, thinking he still might have a chance to escape if he could get the ghost of Gollum to stop.

"Nasty dwarves-es can't hurts us," the transparent creature stated in an annoying cackle, "nobody can hurt Smeagol anymore, no!" But Sam knew a way to hurt the ghost of Gollum.

"The ring is gone," Sam taunted, "you plotted and schemed and your precious ended up in the lava all the same." Gollum's attention was now solely on the gardener who grinned in a surprisingly evil way. "The ring is gone, you can't ever see your precious again. It melted away-"

"Arg!" The ghost of Gollum cried out writhing as he floated about a floor off the ground. "Makes him stop!"

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Sam threw back his head and laughed, silhouetted by the flames. Merry, Pippin, and even Frodo took several hasty steps back, away from their scary friend. They exchanged worried glances and then Frodo sighed.

Frodo walked right up to his friend and hit him across the face. Sam shook himself and looked around, startled.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "that Gollum always brings out the worst in me…"

While all this had been happening the elves had managed to put out the fire and leave before the hobbits noticed and resumed hitting them with books. Also Gimli was being restrained by Thranduil who had noticed the dwarf's bid for freedom.

"Wait a minute," Pippin said suddenly looking around the room, "where's Eomer?"

Everyone considered this for a full minute. Frodo and Sam went so far as to look under the chairs and rugs for him. The ghost of Denethor was mumbling something about how Eomer must have burned in the fire while the ghost of Theoden growled at him to shut his crazy mouth.

"Nooooooo!" Aragorn yelled dropping to his knees, "I thought we were friends! How could he abandon me in my hour of need" Arwen bent down to console her husband.

Thranduil was telling Eowyn and the ghost of Theoden that they would have to sit in the library and listen to the story in Eomer's place. Eowyn yelled and ranted but was unable to convince anyone that Thranduil's decision was unfair.

Faramir worked to console his wife but was secretly glad that no one had suggested he go in to replace Boromir after he had escaped.

Gimli cursed loudly in Dwarvish as Eomer had stolen his idea of escaping during the confusion of the fire. Perhaps he should have just walked out the door instead of trying to tunnel, first through the floor and then through the walls.

But what would have been the fun in _that_?


	23. Legolas: King of the Ents?

_**Author's Note:**_

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed! As always you guys rock! I appreciate every review and if you review I'll try to read your stories._

_Anyway this chapter is a little short but I'll be writing the next one over the next few days. In fact in the next chapter I'll be using an idea that I had when I first started that I've been very excited about. But anyway, that's next chapter…_

**Chapter #23:**

Eowyn and the Ghost of Theoden were still grumbling as they all sat down, ready as they'd ever be to listen to Legolas' story. Privately each was saying good-bye to their sanity. Legolas was looking much happier as he began to read.

_Somehow Aragorn and Gimli got lost within three steps into the forest._

Of course both Aragorn and Gimli jumped out of their seats, as if their own hair had gotten caught on fire, yelling at Legolas.

"I am a **ranger**," Aragorn was reminding everyone in a furious voice, "and easily the least likely person to get lost!"

"Short people do not get lost easier then tall, giant elves!" Gimli was spluttering.

"Will you both regain your tempers!" The Ghost of Theoden was yelling at both the man and the dwarf. "If you all are reacting to every lie that slips out of Legolas' lips then this story will never end!" Aragorn and Gimli sunk into their seats, looking mutinous.

"You'll change your tune," Sam assured the ex-king.

"I doubt that young hobbit," the Ghost of Theoden said in his kingliest voice. Sam, unimpressed, rolled his eyes.

_While Legolas was back-tracking in order to find his lost people Gandalf appeared._

_"I need your help Legolas!" the wizard cried out._

"Gandalf would not need help from a mere elf," Frodo defended his longtime friend and mentor, "he is a wizard. That's better then an elf any day!"

"Hey!" Arwen exclaimed giving Frodo an evil glare.

"Well they are," the hobbit insisted stubbornly. The elf lady and the savior of Middle Earth stared each other down until Gimli got up in between them.

"Come on," he pleaded, "let's not fight now." Both Arwen and Frodo looked away, silently agreeing to finish their conversation later.

_"I can't convince the ent Treebeard that Merry and Pippin are not a threat," the wizard sobbed to Legolas._

_"Lead the way," Legolas said kindly patting the wizard on the shoulder. Legolas knew that he couldn't count on a wizard to be able to handle anything on his own._

Frodo twitched but this time didn't say anything in response to the slur on Gandalf. Sam patted his arm in support. Aragorn was patting Arwen's arm as well, though is gesture had more to do with restraint then support.

_Merry and Pippin were dancing around the ent with torches of fire chanting to the gods to send them food._

_Treebeard, terrified of the fire, picked them up and began to smash them together._

"Actually it was more like he tried to squeeze us to death," Pippin insisted.

"And there was no fire, and no chanting," Merry added, "though we were both very hungry." The hobbits exchanged significant looks, food was important, no matter what else was going on.

"Hobbits," the Ghost of Theoden muttered, "always thinking of food." The rest of them exchanged amused looks, chuckling softly.

_Legolas charged on the scene, calling out to the frightened ent._

_"Peace," he called out majestically, "it is Legolas, the elf!" Treebeard stopped attacking the foolish hobbits._

_Even he knew who Legolas was._

"Legolas," Eowyn said in a slow careful voice, the kind that you used to talk to people who were completely mental, "you do realize that you are really not an all powerful celebrity elf? I mean you do know that this is not how things really happened?" Legolas simply ignored the lady.

_Of course all of the ents woke up, thrilled just to have the opportunity to see Legolas the elf. Legolas, being the thoughtful and kind elf that he was took the time to say hello to all of them. In response they elected him their king and promised to come to his aid if he needed anything at all._

The whole group looked at each other, too stunned to make any remarks. There was just nothing to say.

_But of course Legolas knew that they had to go to Rohan as soon as possible to save the helpless, old, king Theoden from the equally old though not quite as helpless Saruman._

"Old is a little cruel," Theoden muttered.

Everyone rushed to assure him that it was only Saruman's spell and that he himself had looked much younger then whatever he'd actually been. Pippin had opened his mouth to say that he thought Theoden had looked sixty-ish but Aragorn, (correctly guessing what Pippin was aiming to say), covered his mouth with his hand so that it came out: "_Meh Moutm Moo Mwuked Mmmitymish_". Which luckily Theoden couldn't decipher.

_So Legolas found Aragorn and Gimli, who had merely been wandering in circles for a few hours, and brought them and Gandalf to Edoras._

"And none of us are shocked by Gandalf coming back from the dead?" Gimli, the ever so sensible dwarf, asked Legolas raising his eyebrows.

"Hey yeah," Aragorn gasped, "Legolas left something out!"

The two immediately began planning a party of celebration. Everyone else in the room rolled their eyes, Aragorn and Gimli were beyond help and thy all knew it.


	24. Trouble Ahead

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well here's the next chapter, hope you all enjoy it! Please tell me what you think, I love reviews, and if you have any suggestions please send them, I'll give you credit if I use them. And I'm also deciding who should go in next, so I really need ideas on that. Thanks for reading!_

**Chapter #24:**

_When they reached Rohan the people all cheered. Many of them had long heard the amazing tales of Legolas but never in their wildest dreams had they believed that he would grace their home in person. Gimli, Aragorn, and Gandalf were al insulted that no one had cared about them though they really couldn't blame the people for their excitement over meeting Legolas._

Everyone began laughing and it took a while for them to get themselves under control.

"At least this story makes us laugh," Sam commented, "even if the lies make us crazy."

"You have quite a talent for looking on the bright side of things," Arwen said admiringly.

"It's a gift," Sam shrugged, "it mostly only comes in handy when I'm providing moral support and companionship on a quest to save the world and when I'm listening to the insane ramblings of an elf who's gone mad."

_Wormtongue had heard all of the joyous news that Legolas had come and was immediately afraid. After all, Legolas was far more powerful then him and his master combined._

"Yeah," the ghost of Theoden muttered sarcastically, "sure you are." If Legolas heard the ghost/man he ignored him.

_In a vain effort to keep Legolas from defeating him Wormtongue ordered his guards to collect all the weapons that they carried with them. The man at the door of the hall demanded that they hand all of their weapons over. Aragorn and Gimli promptly collapsed in sobs at the thought of being separated from their weapons._

"I'm sad to say it my old friend," Aragorn said in a scarily calm voice, "but you are a big fat liar!"

"Am not!" Legolas shot back.

"Are too!" Now Gimli had joined the argument. The two sides kept going until a very annoyed Eowyn clobbered all three of them over the head to make them shut up.

"I've got to hand it to you," Merry said nonchalantly to Eowyn as Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn rubbed their sore heads, "I would never have thought that a mere throw pillow would do that much damage." Said pillow flopped and a few feathers escaped from a tear in the fabric as Eowyn replaced it back on the couch she'd taken it from.

"I've had a lot of practice," the lady replied with a smirk.

_The only reason that Gandalf had not reacted in the way the other two had when ordered to give up his staff was because he had dozed off and hadn't been listening._

Everyone looked at Frodo, expecting an outburst of indignity but the hobbit just shrugged.

"I give up," he told them, "Gandalf will have to defend himself and if he isn't here then Legolas can do all the wizard-bashing he wants. In fact," Frodo continued with a giggle, "I'll join him. I mean an orc with half of his brain missing would have noticed that there was something evil about that ring and he left it sitting in my house and endangering my life."

"Now see here Mr. Frodo," Sam scolded in surprise, "Gandalf did the best he could and in the end if it hadn't been for him we would have died several times."

"Also I'd like to point out that both you and Bilbo failed to notice the sinister nature of said ring," Merry pointed out dryly. Frodo sulked while Legolas continued his story.

_Then Legolas came up with a brilliant plan._

"He decided to assassinate the King of Rohan and hold open elections," Theoden guessed, "which would, of course, result in him becoming the King of Rohan."

"He decided to throw the Ring into Mount Doom," Aragorn offered, "from Edoras."

_"This poor and helpless old man can not even walk without his staff," Legolas lied to the man smoothly. The soldier was swayed by his charm and good looks._

"I don't even want to know what's going through Legolas' head," Eowyn muttered to her dead uncle's ghost.

_And so, of course, -_

"Of course," Pippin mocked.

_- they let Gandalf take his staff in, even though he still didn't know what was going on. Upon seeing Legolas in all his glory-_

"Everyone wet their pants with laughter," Pippin rushed to say.

"Hey," Merry said indignantly, "leave some comments for the rest of us."

"Sorry," the hobbit mumbled.

"They were very witty," Gimli assured him.

_- the slimy, ugly, not to mention short man ordered his men to attack them._

"What is it with that elf and short?" Sam demanded. "What?" Sadly, no one had an answer for him.

_Legolas defeated everyone with a grace that put everyone else to shame._

"I seem to remember a certain elf who won the award for being the Clumsiest Elf at a party for forty-seven years in a row," Arwen mused.

"You must tell more of this later," Aragorn whispered in an excited voice, "so I can taunt my good friend here until he turns red in the face."

"An honorable goal," she answered.

"I heard that," the elf in question snapped, "and I don't think that you will hear any of those stories." He grinned evilly and Frodo and Sam were suddenly reminded of the way Gollum had looked when he attacked them as they climbed up Mount Doom.

"Why do you think that?" Arwen asked.

"It's just a little feeling I have," Legolas answered the grin widening so that everyone in the room felt a horrible sense of foreboding, especially Aragorn at who the look was directed.

_Legolas grabbed Gandalf's staff and used it to break Theoden of his spell._

"What now he's a wizard too?" Gimli asked.

"Of course not," the Ghost of Theoden answered, "he's better."

"How could I have forgotten?" Gimli asked sarcastically.

_As Legolas advised the weak king on what to do with the treacherous Wormtongue-_

"Perhaps if Legolas had been talking instead of you we wouldn't have lost so many soldiers at Helm's Deep," the Ghost of Theoden shot at Aragorn who stiffened.

"I did what was right!"

"And stupid!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Oh no," Eowyn interrupted, "we are not starting that again." The two of them grumbled but stopped at once with fearful glances at all of the pillows in the room.

_- the King's niece Eowyn came over._

Aragorn wasn't sure why but he had a sudden sinking feeling in the bottom of his stomach. Maybe it was his Ranger instincts sensing danger. Or it could have been the years he spent around Elrond who could see the future. Perhaps he was clairvoyant and had simply never realized it before.

Or maybe it was the fact that Legolas could barely contain his gleeful laughter that told the King of Gondor that there was trouble ahead…

_When Aragorn looked upon Eowyn he fell instantly in love._

Aragorn tensed expecting Arwen to blow up but she merely laughed.

"Legolas and his lies," she said waving a hand.

"Of course," Aragorn rushed to assure her, "Legolas is lying!"

"Of course he wasn't **in** love with me," Eowyn said, "it was more along that lines of a crush then anything else." Arwen's glare could have killed a bloodthirsty Uruk. "Also it took longer then a day for us to feel anything."

_**Author's Note:**_

_Okay, okay, I never really thought that there was anything there when I read the books but this has sort of morphed into movie based so I'm going with the idea that Aragorn and Eowyn did have something, eve though I don't particularly like it. I just think that for the purposes of this story it is funny._


	25. Flirting

_**Author's Note:**_

_Hey! Thanks for reading! In this chapter we're just going to plow right through to Helm's Deep. Yay! Next chapter we'll also have a new listener, who won't stay for long and then two former listeners will come back._

_Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! You are all awesome! Sorry it's been a while, I just started college so I'm a little busy now getting used to things. But I'll try to update as soon as I can. I'm thinking though that if I get to 500 reviews before I go to post the next chapter I'll post five days in a row, just to make up for all the times I didn't post for a long stretch of time._

**Chapter #25:**

"You and Eowyn?"

"I never cheated!"

"You and Eowyn?"

"Please Arwen love I-!"

"You and Eowyn?"

"-never ever cheated!"

Arwen and Aragorn were each standing on opposite sides of the library. Arwen's face was an unnatural shade of red while her husband on the other hand, had gone paler then snow. The rest of them watched the fight as spectators watch a tennis match, their heads swiveling back and forth between each person with each remark.

Legolas was out right laughing at his old friend. Merry was trying to convince Pippin to bet his first place with the shrink on which one of them would out shout the other. Pippin, however, stubbornly held onto the prize he had won for guessing when Eomer would snap. Theoden was talking to Gimli as he tried to remember whether Aragorn had cheated.

Sam was thanking his lucky stars that Rosie wasn't listening to the story. He could only imagine what Legolas would say about his relationship with Mr. Frodo, (or more frighteningly his relationship with Gollum) if his wife was around to listen!

"Now Arwen I won't lie to you," Aragorn was saying, "Eowyn is an attractive woman but you have to know that there is no one who could rival your beauty and- OUCH!" He held his head where the heavy volume of poetry Arwen had thrown at him had struck.

It was around this point in the argument that Legolas got bored and went back to reading his story, much to the displeasure of everyone else.

_Theoden was bored with Edoras and so he decided to make everyone go to Helm's Deep, despite the fact that Legolas had cautioned him it was not a smart thing to do. But he went ahead and had everyone pack up and leave anyway._

"Or it was Gandalf who was the one who tried to advised me," Theoden commented bitterly, "but whatever. I mean obviously the whole point was that I was being dumb and irrational."

"Only a little," Gimli told Theoden kindly making patting motions at the man's transparent arm.

"And you had good reasons for your decision," Eowyn pointed out, "even if it was undeniably stu… I mean you really were trying to do what was best."

_Gandalf was so frightened that he ran away, like a coward._

"He was trying to help!" Aragorn defended the wizard.

"It was a bit of a bad time for him to run off," Gimli pointed out.

_On the way to the fort Eowyn and Aragorn continued to flirt._

"We talked about you Arwen!" Aragorn tried to defend himself. "I told her that I was in love with a beautiful elf and that I could love no other."

"Actually you just told me that you had left Middle Earth never to return," Eowyn said truthfully, "in other words saying that he was single."

"Eowyn!" Aragorn cried exasperated as Arwen went back to throwing books at him.

_Gimli tried to flirt but was so very bad at it that Eowyn, and everyone within a hundred miles, was repulsed._

"Why on earth would I decide to flirt with a human lady?" Gimli yelled, "I conversed with Lady Eowyn because she was very kind. But if you recall I told her about dwarf women! That is not flirting!"

"Yeah," Aragorn agreed, "and neither is telling someone that the love of your life has left Middle Earth **or** telling women your age!"

"Stay out of this flirter," Gimli said to Aragorn. The man answered with a couple of phrases about dwarves that made Sam cover his ears and Merry and Pippin look at Aragorn in awe.

_Just then wargs attacked the group and Gimli fell off his horse in fear. It was up to Legolas-_

"Oh no," Frodo muttered, "here we go again…"

_-to save the day! He could stop a charging warg with a single arrow._

"Oh only one warg with one arrow, he must be losing his touch." They all laughed at Gimli's comment.

"Or he's finally developed a sense of modesty," Eowyn managed to say through her laughter. At that all composure left and they all collapsed in laughter, even Arwen had trouble aiming books at Aragorn through her laughter.

_The orcs cried out in horror at the sight of the radiant blond elf. In fact they were blinded by his radiance and power._

"So much for modesty," Theoden commented.

"Arg!" Pippin cried out in fake pain, "I'm sitting too close to Legolas and his radiance is burning me!"

"My eyes," Merry cried shielding them as he too writhed in fake pain, "I have gone blind from looking directly at Legolas!"

"You two are silly," Arwen told them.

"We try," Merry smirked as he and Pippin bowed.

_When Legolas saw Aragorn fall off a cliff, obviously due to either his stupid-ness or his smelliness-_

"Yes because that makes so much sense," Aragorn said sarcastically.

"It makes perfect sense to me," Arwen snapped.

_- Legolas flew after his friend and saved his life._

"Is it just me," the ghost of Theoden said slowly, "or did Legolas just turn himself into a bird?"

"More like a fell beast based in his looks," Sam told the former king gravely.

_With the enemy defeated Legolas led the people of Rohan on to Helm's Deep._

The room rolled their eyes as one.

"Wait," Aragorn cried, "if I didn't fall off the cliff then how did they all know about the 10,000 Uruk-Hai heading for Helm's Deep." He turned to Arwen. "I did really fall off a cliff," he said trying to make her feel sorry for him, "I almost died. It was only the thought of you that kept me alive!"

"Tell your sob story to someone else," Arwen sniffed.

"Now listen," Eowyn said to the other woman, "nothing serious happened between Aragorn and I. Nothing!"

"Don't talk to me you man-stealer!"

"Prissy elf!"

"You want to take this outside?"

"Yes!"

Not one of the people guarding the library doors were stupid enough to try to stop the two women as they stalked off trying to determine what kind of contest to use to settle their differences.

"Take me with you!" Aragorn called out the window.

"You sit in that library and think about what you've done while you listen to Legolas' story!" Arwen shouted back.

_It was then that Legolas' ability to see the future told him about the army coming towards them. The foulest creatures ever, which Saruman hoped would be enough to defeat Legolas once and for all._

_An army of Mary-Sues!_


	26. Helm's Deep

_**Author's Note:**_

_Thank you for all the reviews! As promised I will update five days in a row! Here's the first! I hope you all like it. I know that I said that Helm's Deep would be one chapter but it's going to be two chapters. It will be broken up by a look at things happening outside of the library just for fun._

_A huge thanks to BlackRosePoison-Orchid and Sazaz who both sent me messages encouraging me to ignore the reviewer who, to put things lightly was "not happy" with this story. No need to fear, I will not be discouraged. This chapter is dedicated to you guys!_

_You will notice that I am re-using the quote from Enigmagirl2727's profile again. The truth is that I just couldn't think of a better way of putting it. Plus I think it's a really cool explanation. You can find it and other definitions on Enigmagirl2727's profile if you're interested._

**Chapter #26:**

"Cool," Pippin exclaimed (being highly gullible), "I didn't know you guys fought Mary-Sues at Helm's Deep! All we ever got to fight were smelly orcs and Uruk-Hai." Aragorn twitched violently at the word _smelly_ and the other hobbits rolled their eyes leaving it up to someone up to correct Pippin.

"It **was** an army of Uruk-Hai!" the ghost of Theoden shouted at the poor hobbit.

"Oh I get it," Pippin sighed, "Legolas is still lying." Merry smacked himself in the forehead. "What?" Pippin asked.

"It's just you Pippin," the other hobbit sighed.

"I never cheated," Aragorn cried desperately out the window, "I did not cheat with any Mary-Sues or Eowyn at Helm's Deep!" Many elves looked up at him confused and frightened. "Tell Arwen I never cheated!" Gimli wrestled Aragorn away from the window and forced him to sit back down.

Meanwhile outside the Library doors Gandalf, Glorfindel, and Faramir, (everyone else in the SLSG were off searching for Eomer still) were greeting a new arrival. It was…

Haldir!

"Haldir how are you?" Gandalf asked as the two clasped hands. Haldir sighed.

"A bit lousy ever since I got confused as to whether I was dead or alive," he answered heavily.

"I know how you feel," Glorfindel said sympathetically patting the other elf's arm.

"Exactly how does that work?" Faramir asked curiously.

"Sometimes I feel as if I died and became a ghost," he explained, "and sometimes I feel as if I never did. I also seem to remember fighting at Helm's Deep whenever I turn into a ghost."

"What brings you to Rivendell?" Glorfindel asked.

"I just came by to see how Galadriel and Celeborn were doing on their visit," he explained to Gandalf, Glorfindel, and Faramir. "Do you three know where they are?"

"Oh Galadriel and Celeborn are… around," Gandalf answered vaguely. Haldir looked over at the doors behind Glorfindel, Gandalf, and Faramir.

"Why are the library doors barred shut?" he asked confused.

"Legolas has gone insane," Faramir started to explain. But before he could say it Gandalf broke in.

"Legolas is entertaining people with a rather clever story," he lied, "it's so wonderful to listen to that we had to lock the door so that everyone wouldn't try to crowd in. But of course we could let you in. Do you want to go in?"

"Well…"

"Great!" And the next thing that Haldir knew he was being thrown into the library. Once he was inside the doors slammed shut again.

"Haldir!" Everyone in the library looked over in shock at seeing the elf. Haldir waved nervously at the group. They all had a look in their eyes that made him nervous for some reason.

"Umm Glorfindel invited me in to listen to Legolas' story," he explained.

"You'll love it!" Glorfindel shouted through the door.

"And what exactly," Haldir asked the group in the library suspiciously, "is this story about?"

"Lies!" Gimli burst out angrily, "With lies, more lies, and lies on the side!"

"Not to mention lies," the ghost of Theoden added. Haldir raised one eyebrow and looked at Legolas expectantly. Legolas spoke to him in a scarily calm, reassuring voice.

"My story is just a recounting of the adventures that took place during our quest to destroy that One Ring and save Middle Earth. My comrades here have a few a issues with some of the things I wrote. But I was only telling the truth. They just can't accept that elves are the best beings in Middle Earth." Everyone else in the room glared at Legolas. Haldir on the other hand, looked completely satisfied with Legolas' explanation.

"Ahh," he grinned, "I understand completely." The dignified elf pulled up the chair that Eowyn had discarded, brushing a few loose feathers out of the way. "I would be glad to listen to your story Legolas."

Gimli and the hobbits started to laugh and point at the elf who stared at them totally taken aback by this rather odd, (okay out and out insane), behavior. The smirks on Aragorn and the ghost of Theoden's faces did nothing to put Haldir to ease.

"Legolas," he said dryly, "would you care to explain the eccentric and unsettling behavior of your companions?"

"Umm… they're insane because they are not elves?"

"Okay, I'll accept that." Legolas grinned and everyone else in the room gave Haldir hostile glances. "Well I'm ready to hear your story Legolas."

"You asked for it," Aragorn muttered.

_Everyone inside of Helm's Deep began to prepare for the arrival of the army of Mary-Sues._

"The arrival of what?" Haldir asked.

"Things that I would not cheat on Arwen with!" Aragorn answered at once. Sam being sensible picked up the book that Elrond had found which explained the Mary-Sue and read aloud from it for Haldir.

Mary-Sue: A classic. An OC (see below) who is usually gorgeous, talented, and for all intents and purposes perfect. She almost always finds a way of getting her slimy hands on the 'hottest' male character. Though now thoroughly ridiculed and despised throughout the fanfiction community, thus giving rise to the popular culture of 'Sue-Slayers' or mocking Mary Sues and their preteen writers, you can still find a few thinly-veiled examples if you look closely. The writers of Mary-Sues are usually teen girls obsessed with the actor(s) who play the characters in the movies and are given to horrific mangling of the English language with capitalization lIke THiS!1 and usually forget how they'd described their characters originally thus giving rise to the ever changing hair/eye colors of the MSs. A less popular variation is the Gary-Stu, a male Mary-Sue.**1**

"That doesn't sound too bad," Haldir commented.

"You'll see," Aragorn told him.

_King Theoden wandered around talking to the stones and telling them to be strong._

"I have never spoken to a rock before in my life!"

"Yeah," Gimli chuckled, "but trying to talk sense into you about how to handle Saruman was like trying to talk to a rock." Theoden was not pleased as everyone else laughed.

_He accused one stone of insulting his pretty crown and so he took a hammer and smashed it to bits. Legolas tried to explain that doing this would cause a hole that would be vulnerable during the upcoming battle but the delusional man refused to listen to the wise elf._

"So that's how that hole got there," Haldir grinned.

"But it's not true!" Theoden whined trying to explain himself.

_Aragorn kept going up to random people and telling them that he was a wizard whose power rivaled Saruman and he would be able to fight the Mary-Sues._

"Now why would I do that?" Aragorn asked.

_Obviously he was doing it just to impress Eowyn._

"Wouldn't it have been easier to just stick a sock down there to impress the lady?" Pippin asked Aragorn in an innocent voice.

The room went dead silent for several beats as Pippin's words sunk in. Everyone in the room was staring at the hobbit with their mouths hanging open, unable to reply. Pippin on the other hand looked rather pleased with himself.

"That's a good one Pippin," Legolas said finally writing it in onto another paper.

"Now look what you've done Pippin!" Aragorn yelled at the hobbit.

"What did I do?" Pippin asked with wide eyes. Aragorn huffed angrily.

"Sometimes I don't know where you come up with this stuff," Merry said.

"Honestly I don't **want** to know where he gets it," Frodo admitted. Sam nodded his agreement wholeheartedly.

_Legolas tried to explain that the battle would not be easy but no one would listen to him. So, being a genius, Legolas decided to ask Galadriel and Elrond for help using his powers of mental communication. As the two elves were willing to do whatever Legolas asked they immediately sent an army to help him. The thought of seeing Legolas made them travel at unnatural speeds and arrive quickly._

"Would you travel unnaturally fast at the idea of seeing me?" Pippin asked Merry.

"Never," Merry answered at once.

"That doesn't seem accurate Legolas," Haldir said slowly. He was ignored by Legolas who continued to read.

_They arrived shortly before the army of Mary-Sues, (who had been delayed when they saw a shop that sold nothing but frilly pink dresses that showed a lot of cleavage). The elves swarmed around Legolas ignoring King Theoden and Aragorn._

"What about me?" Gimli asked.

_They did however take the time to get a good laugh at the short dwarf Gimli. He was bouncing around playing with his little axe._

"You think my axe is funny!" He looked longingly at his axe which was still trapped in the wall. "If only it wasn't stuck in the wall. Then I'd show you!"

"You know," Sam said, "when your face turns read like that you do look rather comical." Gimli leapt at Sam who squeaked and ran behind Aragorn and Haldir to hide from the angry dwarf.

_Then the Mary-Sues arrived. A horrible eyesore of pink, glitter, and eyes that changed colors. Instantly everyone there, except for Legolas, fell madly in love with the Mary-Sues._

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Aragorn shouted.

"I'd be more likely to run from an approaching mass of girls wearing sparkling pink whose eyes were changing colors," Haldir told them all stiffly.

"And you'd be wise to do so," Frodo told him.

_**1-** Quote from Enigmagirl2727's profile._


	27. Haldir Is Insane And Glorfindel Is Mean

_**Author's Note:**_

_Here's part two of Helm's Deep! It's a lot shorter, sorry about that. I probably should have split them at different parts but I guess it's too late now. I hope you all like it a lot! Thanks so much for the reviews! Not too much else to say…_

**Chapter #27:**

_Legolas fought bravely against the Sues, despite the fact that their evil magic had caused everyone else to fight against Legolas with them. All of the men might have been in love with the Mary-Sues but the Sues were in love with no one except for Legolas._

"Yeah right!" Aragorn laughed, "earlier the Sue was in love with me, not you!"

"Ha, ha," Merry giggled pointing at the man, "Aragorn cheated!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Aragorn started rocking back and forth in his chair chanting, '_Never cheated'_ over and over again.

"Okay…" was all that Haldir could say as he inched away from the king of Gondor.

_That battle raged on and Legolas killed hundreds of the dreaded Sues and knocked out many of his enchanted comrades. In fact Aragorn, Gimli, and King Theoden were among the very first to try to kill Legolas. The elf knocked them out with ease._

"Legolas are you aware that this battle took place at Helm's Deep and not 'Legolas' Magic Dream Castle'?" Gimli inquired. He was, of course, ignored.

"That would explain everything!" Frodo exclaimed. The group rather eagerly began to discuss what 'Legolas' Magic Dream Castle' was like. But they were rudely brought back to the library by Legolas reading loudly from his story.

_Just then the Mary-Sues, began to swarm around the hole that King Theoden had made-_

"Had **NOT** made!"

_- and began to stuff it with explosives._

"I remember this part!" Aragorn cried happily, "don't you two?" He asked Gimli, Haldir, and King Theoden who both grinned,

"What happened?" Sam asked eagerly.

"I'll tell you," Aragorn said happily, "gather round young hobbits! Well we all saw the Uruk-Hai carrying the torch to light the explosives running towards the castle. After all he was the only one carrying a lit fuse. Having only my sword I shouted to Legolas to kill the Uruk and save the fortress from the explosive barrage. And then… LEGOLAS MISSED!"

The hobbits all laughed and Haldir, Gimli, and King Theoden grinned reminiscently.

"Back then I thought it was horrible because so many people died and we almost lost the battle because of it," Theoden remarked, "but now I look back upon it as a happy memory. How things can change!"

_Legolas shot and killed the Sue easily._

"**Yeah right**!" the room shouted as one. The shout caused many people inside of Rivendell to look around startled.

_Then he plugged the hole with her body._

"Ewww," Merry shuddered.

"Haha! Legolas touched a Sue," Gimli laughed and pointed.

_Just then Legolas looked over and saw Haldir making out with a Mary-Sue._

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Haldir was screaming.

"Calm down Haldir," Aragorn tried.

"I've been sullied! AHHHHHH!"

"It's just Legolas and his insaneness," Frodo said comfortingly.

"AHHHHHHH!"

"Now look what you've done," Gimli sighed giving Legolas an accusatory look, "you've driven poor Haldir here into a mental breakdown."

_Legolas killed the Sue and she died._

"See," the ghost of Theoden said, "she can't bother you anymore. She's dead."

_And Haldir, who was still in love with the Mary-Sue through her evil enchantment jumped off the wall and too his death._

"LET ME OUT!" Haldir ran over to the library door and began to pound on it wildly. "Glorfindel I swear if you don't open these doors right now I'll lock you in here!"

"No way!" Glorfindel answered through the doors.

"As soon as I turn into a ghost I'm out of here!" He yelled through the door.


	28. More Of Glorfindel Being Mean

_**Author's Note:**_

_Sorry that this chapter is really short. I promise the next one will be longer. This is just a brief look at what is happening to the people who aren't listening to the story. Next chapter will take us, and two new people, into the library for more of Legolas' story. _

_Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Anyway I hope you like the chapter anyway!_

**Chapter #28:**

While things were getting worse and worse inside of the library things **outside** the library were not going all that great either. Arwen and Eowyn were all set to match skills and see who was the best. It disturbed the residents of the normally calm and sane city to see the two powerful women trying to outdo each other.

But neither women could come up with a challenge that would determine which one of them was the very best. So, compromising, they decided to go through every single contest they could think of.

First they had an archery competition which Arwen won. But then Eowyn tied the score by winning at the horse riding competition, (though Arwen complained that she would have won if her horse hadn't thrown a shoe).

After that they played a game of chess which Arwen won followed by a game of cards which Eowyn won. Arwen won the drinking game but barely and neither of them won the running race that followed, as they were both too drunk to run in a straight line.

Eowyn won at the next competition which was a tree climbing contest. Then she beat Arwen at an eating contest. Next they played Thumb Wars which Arwen won at, followed by a game of I Spy, which Arwen also won at. Then they moved on to a Scavenger Hunt.

While all of this craziness was occurring everyone in the SLSG, except for Faramir, Glorfindel, and Gandalf, were searching high and low for Eomer.

Elrond and Thranduil looked around the kitchens. However their search was derailed when they came across the drinks that were leftover from Arwen and Eowyn's drinking game. The two elves decided to finish up the remaining drinks so that the two women couldn't come back and drink more, because the last thing Rivendell needed that day was two drunk females trying to outdo each other, (though technically they were a little too late for that).

Unfortunately for them the wine that had been left as very strong and it only took a little over an hour for the two of them to become intoxicated.

Galadriel and Celeborn were searching throughout the gardens. Galadriel was still very upset from her earlier experiences with Legolas' story but found the pleasant gardens very calming. Celeborn was just glad that she wasn't still acting insane.

The Ghost of Denethor and the Ghost of Gollum were looking in the guest bedrooms but spent more time arguing with each other then actually looking for Eomer.

The Ghost of Gollum was convinced that with the whole schizophrenic thing that he deserved to be called "_Person Who Went The Most Insane_" but the Ghost of Denethor argued that he should get that title for, not only killing himself, but for trying to kill his own son too.

Of course it was really Legolas who deserved to be called "_Person Who Went The Most Insane_" for obvious reasons but Gollum and Denethor were much too self-absorbed to think of that.

Meanwhile Arwen and Eowyn were neck and neck in the scavenger hunt. They had both found everything on the list except for one thing.

Eomer.

Oddly enough it had been Lady Galadriel who had suggested this as something that they should add to their list of things to search for during their scavenger hunt.

Eowyn was looking through the stables, thinking that her brother would probably be more comfortable there then anywhere else in the elvish city.

"Eomer I know you're here," she called out as she walked through the stable, "don't worry I won't tell anyone where you are."

"Promise?" her brother asked from under a pile of hay.

"No!" Eowyn shouted as she reached into the pile of hay and pulled her brother out, "Because of you're little escape trick I had to go in there and listen to Legolas' story and now Arwen is furious at me for having an affair with Aragorn!"

"You had an affair with Aragorn?" Eowyn smacked him in the head.

"I didn't, that's the point."

"I'm confused," Eomer moaned rubbing his head.

"Besides I have a scavenger hunt to win," Eowyn explained. "I found Eomer! I WIN! He's in the stables!"

A few minutes later they were all sitting in a small sitting room. Eomer was sitting on a couch with Elrond and Galadriel on wither side. He looked very uneasy surrounded by these wise and powerful elves who had very recently proved that they were not half as mentally stable as they appeared.

Eowyn and Arwen were still arguing over who had won. When Eowyn had won the Scavenger Hunt she had effectively tied the score. However neither of them could come up with another contest so for the moment there was nothing they could do.

"What are we going to do now?" Galadriel asked the group.

"Pesky man must listen to the terror again, yes precious, yes!"

"Don't worry Gollum," Elrond said, "he's going right back in." Thranduil and Celeborn exchanged glances clearly emotionally scared at seeing Elrond and Gollum agreeing on something.

"I don't think I should go in alone," Eomer burst out, "after all some people here haven't even been in the library! Is that fair? NO!" Those who hadn't yet listened to the horror started looking at the floor nervously.

Except for Thranduil, (who for the record was still just a little drunk).

"You all are simply wimps," he told them all, "I will go in there and I will come out completely sane and normal. Nothing that my son can say will cause me to turn into a frightened bunny rabbit."

Thranduil avoided being killed by everyone else in the room thanks to the distraction that the Ghost of Haldir caused by running into the room. He was followed by Glorfindel and Faramir, (Gandalf had stayed behind to guard the library door).

"You will not believe what I have been through!" In several garbled and confused sentences Haldir managed to convey what had happened to him.

"Whose idea was it to subject an innocent bystander to Legolas' story?" Celeborn asked glaring at Faramir and Glorfindel.

"It was Gandalf," Glorfindel answered with a straight face.


	29. Conspiracy

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well this is the end of Helm's Deep. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and thanks to everyone for reading. The next chapter is also the last chapter from the Two Towers. Anyway I hope you all enjoy!_

**Chapter #29:**

The group inside of the library were startled when the doors opened and Eomer, Thranduil, and Gandalf were thrown into the room.

"What are you guys doing here?" Sam asked.

"I was wrongfully blamed for a crime," Gandalf grumbled as he resumed his old seat next to Frodo.

"I was found hiding in the stable," Eomer admitted giving Merry a little push so that he could squeeze onto a couch. They all looked over a Thranduil who was sitting down through the ghost of Theoden who glided out of the chair with a disgruntled glare.

"I volunteered," the elf told them.

This statement was met with reactions that varied from guffaws to sympathetic head shakes.

"Poor dumb bastard," muttered Gimli.

"Always knew that insanity ran in that family," Gandalf told everyone, "this just proves it."

"He must have been drunk," Merry whispered to Pippin, "there's no other explanation."

"Maybe Legolas was drunk too," Pippin exclaimed excitedly. There was only so much Legolas could take before he felt the urge to bring the spotlight back onto himself.

_Legolas retreated even further within the shoddily built-_

"Excuse me?" Eomer and the ghost of King Theoden exclaimed angrily.

_- fortress trying to escape the fanatical army of Mary-Sues who were in love with him and intent of defeating him._

"What are they going to do? Kiss him to death?" Thranduil joked.

"Drive him to insanity by writing bad fanfiction?" Aragorn added. They all laughed raucously.

Then, once they'd thought what Aragorn had said through, they all sobered instantly.

"It all makes sense now…" Gandalf whispered, his eyes wide.

"It's a conspiracy," Eomer exclaimed softly. Sam stood up.

"And then they planned for him to drive us insane through his insanity that they themselves caused!" Everyone nodded and cheered their agreement.

_Even someone as **wonderful** and **powerful** and **stupendous** and **superb** and **magnificent** and **breathtaking** and **amazing** and **astonishing** and **fantastic** and **brilliant** and **great** and **super** and **perfect** and **handsome** and **faultless** and **superior** and **excellent**-_

"I think Legolas fancies himself," Gimli chuckled.

"Well he does descend from greatness," Thranduil told him.

_- as Legolas could not hope to overcome the Sues on his own. But of course Legolas already had a plan to get himself out of trouble._

"He always could when he was growing up," Thranduil muttered.

_With a whistle more majestic and melodious then anything else that had ever been heard in Middle Earth Legolas summoned the Ents to him._

"Ents can't be summoned whenever you want!" Merry exclaimed.

"It was only thanks to my genius that we got the Ents to help us in the war at all!" Pippin added. Thranduil turned and looked at the hobbit with raised eyebrows.

"Sometime soon you will have to tell me exactly how **you** did that," he said.

"Is that a compliment or an insult?" Pippin asked.

"Umm…"

"You don't want to know Pip," Frodo told Pippin gently.

_The Ents came running-_

"If you were to wait for an Ent to travel from one place for another you should probably leave a few decades of time to wait for them," Gandalf commented.

"Tell me about it," Merry grumbled thinking back on all those days spent traveling with Treebeard.

_- to aid Legolas their king._

"You know if someone told the Ents about all of the paper that Legolas has wasted to write this monstrosity they might come and beat him up," Eomer suggested.

"That plan has possibility…" Aragorn mused.

_The Ents brought Eomer and Gandalf who had gotten lost wandering around the countryside._

"I know my country like the back of my hand!" Eomer protested.

"I have never ever gotten lost before in my life!" Gandalf shouted.

"Umm Gandalf," Frodo said timidly, "what about Moria?"

"I haven't gotten lost ever in my new life as Gandalf the White," Gandalf clarified stiffly.


	30. We're not worthy!

_**Author's Note:**_

_Here's the fifth chapter! I hope you've liked them all. I probably won't do this again, if only because it's hard to write so many chapters in a row. This also is going to be the last chapter from The Two Towers. Is that incredible or what? We'll be into the Return of the King!_

_Anyway thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed! I appreciate them all and look forward to hearing everyone's opinions and comments on the story. Also the next chapter will be dedicated to everyone who correctly guesses one or more of the two people who will be sent into the library next! Here's a hint, it's not someone in the SLSG already._

_I hope you'll all read the next, and last, part of the trilogy, Return of the King. Any suggestions would be appreciated._

**Chapter #30:**

_With the help of the Ents Legolas was easily able to defeat the rest of the army of Mary-Sues. After that he single handedly healed all of the people who he had been forced to knock out while they had been under the evil spell of the Sues._

"So Legolas has super-healing power now?" Sam asked.

"I think that it's almost a step down for him," Frodo mused.

_Once they were all awake they were filled with horror at what they had done while under the influence of the Sues spell._

"Because I love Arwen and would never cheat on her," Aragorn told everyone.

"We know!" Gimli burst out, "So will you just stop saying it already! She's not even around to hear you!"

"But it's true," Aragorn whined. Gimli twitched a little but managed to keep himself from strangling the man.

_"Oh great Legolas," Theoden shouted, "thanks to you our pathetic country will live to see another day! You are our hero, since you have saved us all from certain destruction. We are not worthy!"_

_"We are not worthy!" Everyone else there, including the Ents chorused. Then they all bowed before the elf whose greatness could not be surpassed by anyone else._

"Pathetic country?" Eomer bristled.

"Insult me all you want but I'll thank you not to insult my country," Theoden growled.

"It's umm my country now uncle," Eomer said hesitantly, "you're dead."

"Eomer…" Theoden growled.

"Never mind," Eomer said quickly.

"Ghosts don't like being reminded that they're dead," Pippin whispered to Eomer.

"I guessed," Eomer replied dryly.

"What are you two whispering about over there?" the Ghost of Theoden asked sharply.

"Nothing," the two chorused together.

"Legolas isn't worthy to be still alive after all the emotional trauma he's put us all through," Gandalf said bitterly.

"Here, here!" Gimli cheered agreeing.

"Now I'm really glad we weren't at that battle," Frodo said to Sam, "I would have hated to have to bow before Legolas."

"You said it," Sam said with a fervent nod.

"WE DIDN'T BOW BEFORE LEGOLAS!" everyone who had been at Helm's Deep yelled with one voice.

The SLSG were still sitting around in the room when they heard this protest. Those who had already been in to listen to the story already fought against twitching and hiding under their chairs. Even those who hadn't been into the library looked nervous.

"What do you think is happening in there?" Faramir asked into the silence.

"I don't want to know," Elrond sighed massaging his temple.

"You certainly do not," Galadriel informed them all cursing her ability to read minds almost as much as her decision to come and visit Rivendell. Celeborn, sensing what she was thinking, patted her shoulder reassuringly.

But they had no idea of the horror still facing those listening to the story.

"I knew I should have picked a better hiding spot," Eomer lamented. The ghost of King Theoden glared at him. "I didn't know that my running away would get you and Eowyn thrown in here," he defended himself. The truth that Eomer was not telling his ghost uncle was that even if he had known he wouldn't have hesitated to run.

_"There is no way that we could ever honor and reward Legolas for all that he has done here," Theoden told the crowds, "so now we will be throwing him a party!"_

"You men of Rohan seem to have a fascination for throwing parties to celebrate Legolas," Merry commented.

"I wouldn't throw a party for him if it was his birthday!" The ghost of Theoden yelled, clearly loosing his composure.

"Maybe if he decided never to write ever again," Eomer mused rubbing his beard in thought.

_At some point Gimli got very drunk and began telling lies._

"Oh I'm the one telling lies?"

_He tried to convince everyone that he had killed forty-three of the Sues while the great and wonderful Legolas had only killed forty-two. But of course that was impossible._

"Actually I killed forty-three URUK-HAI and Legolas only managed to kill forty-two of the beasts," Gimli told them. "But the point is…" He stood up and began to do a dance that made them and cover their eyes in horror. "I won, I won, I won," he sang. Thranduil sighed and took the dictionary that held the definition of a Mary-Sue from Sam and hit Gimli over the head with it.

"Never do that again," the elf said sternly as Gimli, rubbing his head, sat back down dejectedly.

"I did win," he muttered.

"We know," Aragorn sighed patting Gimli's shoulder, "Legolas is the liar, not you."

_The 'Celebration Of The Greatness That Is Legolas' lasted for almost a whole day, so much did the people love Legolas._

"Yeah right," Aragorn rolled his eyes, "it's not even possible to stay in Legolas' presence that long without getting a headache."

"Umm Aragorn," Frodo said slowly, "you do realize that we've been in this library for longer then that, don't you?"

"Do you mean that we've gone over an hour without food?" Pippin asked.

"I think it's been more then that…" Frodo told him.

"LET ME OUT!" Merry and Pippin screamed pounding on the door.

"We'll send someone in with food!" Elrond shouted to them through the door.

"Who are you sending in?" Faramir asked nervously.

"I have just the people in mind…" Elrond told them with an evil grin.


	31. Food, Ghosts, And Twins

_**Author's Note:**_

_Honestly I had no intention of bringing Elrohir and Elladan in yet. And yet almost every person who guessed, guessed the twins. And as the old saying goes, "The customer is always right." Or in this case the reader. And so, just for you guys, I have brought the twins in. You can thank me now._

_Actually Amandriel got it right. So congrats to Amandriel. And thank you to everyone who guessed!_

_Well this chapter is pretty boring but I felt that we needed a chapter to get the new people in and to have Legolas announce that they're moving onto the next part. Next chapter I promise more will happen. Anyway I hope you all enjoy it!_

**Chapter #31:**

"Explain this to us again Father," Elrohir said slowly. Elrond grinned and it struck Arwen what a truly impressive actor her father was.

"Certainly son," the elf lord said sweetly. "I have a very important job for you."

"Such an important job that no one but us could perform it?" Elladan asked skeptically.

"Exactly," Elrond said mildly, "you will deliver some things into the library."

"You will also," Galadriel added, "accompany the Ghost of Saruman and the Ghost of Wormtongue into said library."

"And what are they doing here?" Elrohir asked.

"I'm a bit unclear on that myself," Saruman grumbled, "I was quite content haunting Isengard until your messengers came and insisted that I join Wormtongue," he turned to the other ghost as an aside, "(I still haven't forgiven you for that little stabbing incident by the way), and come to Rivendell."

"It just seems a bit peculiar," the Ghost of Wormtongue said.

"Oh shut up traitor," the wizard/ghost snapped.

Just then a group of confused elves bringing trays of food from the kitchens came over. They each carried as much as they could and the food was overflowing. Elrohir, Elladan, the Ghost of Saruman, and the Ghost of Wormtongue all looked at the food with raised eyebrows.

"Okay…"

"What is there a group of hungry hobbits locked in the library?"

"I don't see why you'd need a wizard's ghost here."

"You know," the Ghost of Wormtongue glided over to Eowyn, "just because I'm dead and you're married doesn't mean that 'we' can't happen." Faramir stepped closer and put his arm around Eowyn.

"Both my father and brother are ghosts," he told Wormtongue, "and while my father doesn't care-"

"Damn straight," the Ghost of Denethor interrupted.

"- my older brother would be thrilled to beat you up," Faramir finished as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"And my uncle still hates you," Eowyn added, "and he really hasn't had too much to occupy his time since he's become a ghost." The Ghost of Wormtongue quickly sidled away murmuring something that sounded a bit like "Wouldn't want to be with someone who's still stuck on breathing anyway…" as he went back to where the Ghost of Saruman, Elrohir, and Elladan.

"So let's get you all into this library," Elrond said hurriedly. He began to pile the trays of food up onto the twins who looked like they wanted to runaway but they were stopped because of all the food being pushed into their arms.

Faramir and Eowyn opened the library doors and Elrond and Arwen pushed the twins in. The Ghost of Denethor and The Ghost of Gollum pushed the Ghost of Saruman and the Ghost of Wormtongue through the doors. As soon as the four of them were in Eowyn and Faramir slammed the doors shut. Once it was shut the couple embraced.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time," Eowyn admitted.

"It felt really good," Faramir added.

"You know it really did," Elrond said thoughtfully, "I'll have to remember this for the next time those two do something wrong."

"You mean they didn't actually do something to deserve punishment?" Arwen asked her father.

"Oh you know those two," he waved his hand impatiently, "I'm sure they've done something to deserve this."

…they hadn't…

As Elrohir, Elladan, and the two ghosts entered the room they knew right away that something was wrong. Gimli was trying to get his axe out of the wall. Aragorn and Eomer were muttering about burning hair. The hobbits were experimenting with eating paper (and saying amongst themselves how wonderful Legolas' story would taste). Gandalf was leafing through a book muttering, "There has to be a spell somewhere in here that will erase my memory." The Ghost of Theoden was trying to strangle Legolas, although his hands were going right through the elf.

The twins turned back around in time to see the door slam shut.

"I think we've been tricked into here," Elladan whispered to his brother in elvish.

"FOOD!" The four hobbits threw themselves at the two elves grabbing for the food trays.

"Hey," Aragorn shouted jumping up and running towards them, "I need to eat too!" Seeing the hobbits attack the food was bringing back horrible memories for those who had been on the adventure with them and had consequently not eaten very well at all. Eomer, Gimli, and Gandalf scrambled to get to the food before it was all gone.

When the dust had cleared Elrohir and Elladan had to drag themselves onto a couch.

"What in the name of the Valar is going on here?" Elrohir managed to say.

"Hell," Gimli grunted.

"It is a lot like being back at Mount Doom," Sam told them through a full mouth.

"Legolas has gone insane," the Ghost of Theoden told them, "so now he's driving us all insane." Just then he noticed the Ghost of Saruman and the Ghost of Wormtongue. "You!"

"Uh oh," Wormtongue muttered.

"Hey King Theoden," Saruman said in what he was hoping was a soothing voice, "how have you been?" It seemed that nothing was going to stop Theoden from attacking the two. Bu then Legolas interrupted.

"Come on guys," Legolas whined, "it's time to listen to my story!"

"Nooooo!" They all shouted.

"Too bad," he said, "because it's time to start Book Three in this saga: **_The Return Of Legolas_**!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"This is bad," Elladan said.

"Very bad," Elrohir agreed.

"It was good knowing you brother," Elladan told his twin seriously.


	32. Are We There Yet?

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well here's Return of the King, as Legolas believes it happened. This chapter is really short and I'm very sorry. I just hadn't written anything in a while and I felt bad so I wrote this. It would probably be longer but… well Lost is on soon and I can't miss it. If anyone has ideas I'd love to hear them. Thank you to everyone who reviewed!_

**Chapter #32:**

Legolas' story was not going good at all. Everyone listening was trying to block out his voice as he recounted their travels to Isengard.

_"… Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?..."_

"Is Legolas trying to decrease our IQ?" Elladan asked as he covered his ears.

"Actually the point of this story is clearly to turn us all into slobbering imbeciles," Gimli responded yelling over Legolas who was still saying the same sentence over and over again, "I would have thought that was obvious."

"Did you and Aragorn really say that the entire journey to Isengard?" Elrohir asked looking a bit sick.

"NO!"

_Gandalf, Theoden, and Eomer, annoyed with the immature behavior of Aragorn and Gimli, were comparing their favorite things about Legolas._

"The sound he makes when you strangle him!" the ghost of Theoden burst out.

"What a delightful mouse he'd make!" Gandalf added, "If only I had my staff…"

"The way that his hair burns!" Eomer said to cheers from everyone.

_Finally the group made it to Isengard, thanks to Legolas and his greatness._

"Explain to me how that works," Sam asked looking confused.

"Well you see," Merry replied, "Legolas is so great that he can turn into a map."

"And then we can burn him and use the smoke signals to signal for help," Pippin concluded brightly. Eomer cackled slightly and began rocking back and forth. Aragorn started giggling manically. Saruman and Wormtongue exchanged incredulous looks.

"This is the sort of evil I could have used during my attempt to take over Middle Earth," the ghost/wizard commented looking around the room at the varied degrees of crazy displayed by the different listeners.

_When Merry and Pippin saw that Legolas had come they were over come with happiness and so nervous that they had a hard time articulating the praise they wished to sing to him._

"I wish we were still in charge of Isengard," Pippin sighed to Merry.

"So you're the ones who smoke all of my Longbottom Leaf, drank all my beer, and ate all of my food!" Saruman exclaimed.

"We'd never do that!" Merry chuckled crossing his fingers.

"You two were so drunk you couldn't walk in a straight line," the ghost of Theoden accused the hobbits.

"He was evil and had us kidnapped and dragged around by his Uruk-Hai," Pippin cried, "he didn't deserve to have any of that wonderful pipe weed or food!"

"Sorry," Theoden apologized, "I forgot about that."

"I didn't," Gandalf frowned glaring at the other wizard.

_When Saruman and Wormtongue saw that Legolas had come they were so nervous that they ran around inside of the tower, very much like chickens whose heads had been cut off._

"Where do you get this stuff?" Eomer asked Legolas.

"He must have a direct conduit to evil," Wormtongue guessed. "If Saruman had been half as evil as this story…" he trailed off as Saruman turned to glare in a threatening manner. "Umm, I didn't say anything."

"That's right," Saruman said, "you didn't."

"I don't know," Elrohir commented innocently, "I thought I heard him start to say that you weren't as evil as this story. Isn't that what you heard Elladan?"

"That's it indeed brother," the other twin grinned.

_Finally the two realized that there was no way for them to escape Legolas and they had to go to the top of the tower to try to beg forgiveness. Saruman attempted to try a spell but Legolas used his magic powers to break the wizard's worthless staff._

"But I did that!" Gandalf yelled. "I broke his staff because I was the better wizard!"

"No you weren't!"

"Yes I was!"

_ But then the Ghost of Theoden saw Wormtongue and was so mean that he drove the man crazy._

"I wouldn't be surprised," Eomer muttered.

_He rushed over to Saruman and began to stab him in the back with a knife. Seeing this Legolas shot the man with a magic arrow._

"You aren't allowed to make an comments," Aragorn said before Eomer could open his mouth.

"Too late," Gimli sighed, "now we're all thinking it."

_It killed the man and Saruman with a small explosion._

"Legolas doesn't know the difference between reality and make believe," Frodo observed.


	33. The Return Of Smelly

_**Authors' Note:**_

_So I'm going to let a few people out I this chapter, mostly for my own sanity. It's hard to keep up so many characters and give them all equal amounts of time. And a special thank you to all-evil-grins who caught my mistake in the last chapter. Please don't be nervous to tell me when I screw up. And thank you to all of you who read and review! I won't lie, I really enjoy receiving them. Also if anyone has any ideas for upcoming things, please tell me!_

**Chapter #33:**

"What are you trying to do Saruman?" Gandalf asked patiently as the ghost of Saruman jumped up and down waving his arms franticly at Legolas who merely smirked back.

"I am trying to kill this elf," Saruman answered calmly.

"You can't," Elrohir said sensibly, "you go right through him."

"Just like Boromir when he left the library through the wall," Frodo commented. The three ghosts in the room turned and stared at the hobbit who realized his mistake too late. "I mean he tried but couldn't and so he had to wait for the door to open." But the ghosts did not buy it.

"You mean that there has been an easy way out for me all this time and not one of you bothered to tell me?" the ghost of Theoden roared. Most everyone avoided the ex-king's eyes and only a few had the courage to answer him.

"Well…"

"Sort of…"

"Ha ha," the Ghost of Wormtongue laughed, "you stupid old hack! You've been here all this time against your will when you could have walked out any second. You are such an idiot, even if your niece is hot!"

"I'll get you, you greasy haired smelly traitor man! Then I'm going to kill you a second time, and then a third time just to be safe!" the ghost of King Theoden shouted as he ran of Wormtongue who ran through the wall. The Ghost of Saruman sighed as he watched them disappear.

"Well I'd better go after them or this might get ugly," he sighed, not looking particularly worried about it. "Anyway good luck surviving this. I'll see you when you're all ghosts." And with that he walked out after the other two ghosts.

"Well," Elladan commented, "that was kind of abrupt." They group might have contemplated this further if it hadn't been for Legolas continuing to read his story.

_With the evil Wizard defeated by the hero, Legolas-_

"Fine take all the glory," Gandalf said, "see if I care."

"You do care right?" Frodo asked softly.

"Of course I do!" Gandalf shouted before calming down. Frodo made a mental note to not ask Gandalf that again. He also made a mental note to avoid eye contact with the people in the room and to never go to the aid of a friend ever again. It was just that kind of experience that kills your sense of loyalty.

_- led the whole group back to Edoras. Once there King Theoden decided to throw another party in honor of Legolas and his greatness for no reason at all._

"Not another celebration for Legolas," Sam moaned.

"You guys could have thrown a party for me," Pippin mumbled.

"No one in their right minds would throw you a party," Gandalf told him. Instantly Pippin turned to Aragorn with a pleading smile.

"Legolas may have driven me insane," Aragorn told the hobbit calmly, "but even I have not gone not so crazy that I would consider throwing any sort of celebration in your honor."

"Would you throw me a party?" Merry asked hopefully.

"No," Aragorn snapped, "I am not that crazy, repeat, not that crazy."

"I might be that crazy…" Eomer mumbled. The man did look a little worse for wear and Gimli and Aragorn who were sitting closest to him inched further away. Merry and Pippin looked thrilled.

"I'll help you plan it," Gimli offered.

"They are worse off then the rest," Elladan whispered to his twin, "it's frightening me."

"Me too," Elrohir agreed.

"Are you two questioning my sanity?" Gimli asked.

"No," both twins answered with identical wide eyed innocent looks.

_Then King Theoden gave an impressive speech about how great and awesome Legolas was._

"Yeah," Aragorn snorted, "kill me if I ever have to listen to something like that."

"Umm Aragorn," Frodo said tentatively, "isn't that sort of what we're listening to now?" They thought about it for a second before Gandalf spoke up.

"I think that Frodo is quite right," he nodded.

"Does this mean that I'm allowed to leave the library?"

"Absolutely not," the wizard answered cheerfully.

_After the speech there was dancing, eating, and drinking. Everyone was having a great time, because they knew they were doing it to celebrate Legolas._

"I think I'm going to be ill," Eomer muttered.

"You and me both," Gimli agreed. Then the two of them burst into hysterical laughter and the twins exchanged significant looks.

_Aragorn found Eowyn and held her hands, looking deep into her eyes._

"This isn't going to be good," Aragorn muttered.

_"Eowyn I love you more then anyone else in the world," the foolish man confessed._

"What?!?!" Elladan burst out.

"How dare you," Elrohir yelled at the now cowering Aragorn.

"Arwen gave up her immortality for you-"

"- and you confess your undying love to a common human?"

"That's my sister you're talking about," Eomer growled.

"And it's our sister he cheated on!"

"I never cheated! NEVER CHEATED!"

"And how do we believe you?" Elladan asked crossing his arms.

"I give up," Aragorn muttered.

_"I'm in love with someone else," she told him, "the impressive and handsome-"_

"Gimli!" the dwarf burst out.

"Oh don't be stupid," Gandalf snorted, "like anyone would fall in love with you when Legolas is writing the story."

_"- Legolas!"_

"Told you," Gandalf chuckled.

"It wasn't as if it was hard to guess," Sam pointed out.

"Don't ruin people's moments Samwise Gamgee or else you'll one day wake up and find yourself turned into something unnatural," Gandalf snapped.

_"And even if I wasn't in love with Legolas I could never marry anyone as **smelly** as you," Eowyn told Aragorn, backing away from the horrible stench, afraid that it might overpower her and cause her to faint._

"Oh will you please give it a rest?" Aragorn asked in a loud voice waving his arms around frustrated, "not all men are smelly. I am not smelly! No one is smelly, and if someone here was smelly would be you! Yes, that's right, you Legolas!"

"Elves are not smelly," Elrohir pointed out looking scandalized.

"And you have to admit," Elladan said to Aragorn with an evil grin, "when you've been out in the wild for a while you do tend to…" Elladan caught a look at Aragorn's murderous expression and trailed off. "I mean, hmm, I wonder why Legolas called you smelly."

_And so, his heart broken-_

"Not broken."

_- Aragorn ran away crying like a baby and was not seen again that night._

"He was hiding from his insane friend who decides to drive his other friends insane," Frodo said.

"That doesn't make any sense," Pippin pointed out.

"That would be because I've been driven insane," Frodo informed the other hobbit.

"That makes sense," Pippin said placated.

_Merry and Pippin were dancing and singing, dedicating it to how perfect Legolas was._

"That was fun," Merry said remembering the party, "and I mean the real one, not the fake one Legolas made up." Pippin nodded. The next thing anyone knew the two hobbits had burst into song and were dancing around the library

"Oh you can search far and wide. You can drink the whole town dry. But you'll never find a beer so brown as the one we drink in our hometown. You can drink your fancy ales. You can drink them by the flagon. But the only brew for the brave and true comes from the Green Dragon!"

"Did you get that Elrohir?" Elladan asked his twin.

"We're going to have fun with that…"

"The four of us should really go out drinking together," Merry proposed.

"Deal," Elladan said and the four of them grinned while everyone else shook their heads, worried about what would happen with the four of them would be up to.

_Gimli was jealous of the attention Legolas was getting so he challenged the elf to a drinking contest. Then he got so drunk that he made a fool out of himself and passed out._

"As if Legolas could beat Gimli at a drinking contest," Sam chuckled.

"No comment…" Gimli muttered. Legolas just laughed in an evil manner before continuing reading.

_Gandalf was also drunk and Legolas was forced to assure the old wizard that he would not desert their side. Gandalf was afraid that because Legolas was so awesome he would stop helping them._

"Oh Legolas," Aragorn shook his head, "so naïve."

"Oh Aragorn," Eomer chuckled, "so smelly." Then he ran, trying to hide behind Gandalf as the King of Gondor attempted to beat the King of Rohan into a bloody pulp.


	34. Drunk Men Are Also Smelly

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well I'm almost done classes for the semester, yay! This is kind of a short chapter but I'll definitely have time to update over my break so look for updates starting in a week._

_Also, just so you know, someone new will be coming next chapter and Legolas is going to take the story somewhere very different, (hint: think teleporting). Anyway I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing!_

**Chapter #34:**

"And that's why you don't try to kill each other," Elrohir was saying to Aragorn and Eomer in a scolding, "I told you so" sort of voice. Both Kings were being sat on. Aragorn had the twins, Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf on him. Eomer was being sat on by Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Gandalf, and Thranduil.

Grumbling their agreement both men sat back down, both looking sulky.

"You have been very quiet King Thranduil," Sam commented as everyone else took their seats.

"I've been trying to figure out what went wrong," the King of Mirkwood explained duly to the hobbit.

"I'm sure that it wasn't anything you did," Sam assured the man. Then he turned to Frodo, speaking softly. "It could not be anyone else's fault of course, I mean it is not as if something like this would ever happen to one of my children."

"You know Sam," Thranduil growled, "elves have excellent hearing. In fact they can often hear things that you whisper about them, even if you think that they can't."

"I'm just going to sit here quietly for a bit," Sam chuckled nervously.

"I think that would be best," the elf king nodded seriously.

"You are one scary elf," Eomer mentioned to Thranduil who smiled, looking pleased at the fear that he was inflicting. Aragorn muttered something about how Elrond was obviously more scary which caused Eomer to say something about sucking up not being an attractive quality in a king.

"Here we go again," Elladan muttered to his brother as the two squared off once more. Legolas, however, prevented the fight by continuing with his story.

_Though everyone wanted the party in Legolas' honor to go on forever eventually it had to come to an end, as all things must._

"Even this story," Sam pointed out to much cheering.

_Legolas looked handsome and dashing as always, possibly even more so compared to-_

"A band of orcs," Elladan cried.

"Spiders," Sam shuddered.

"A pile of mud," Pippin said.

"With deformed maggots crawling around in it," Merry added.

"A group of dwarves," Thranduil chuckled.

"A smug Elf King whose face has been crushed by a blunt object," Gimli threatened resting a hand on a book of elvish history, (you can only imagine how large it would be to contain the elves whole history).

_- the many outrageously drunk men who hadn't been able to contain themselves after more then two drinks._

"That is an unkind lie," Eomer said hotly, "we men of Rohan can hold our liquor."

"Oh really?" Thranduil inquired silkily while a wicked smile spread over his face. Gandalf recognized the look at once and hurriedly stood in between the King of Mirkwood and the King of Rohan.

"Absolutely no drinking contests," he told them both sternly.

"But-"

"No."

"Gandalf really-"

"Don't you remember that drinking is what got you here in the first place?" Gandalf asked Thranduil who glowered but didn't try to argue anymore.

_Legolas had decided to take a walk somewhere quiet, to escape from the drunk and noisy men. He was wearing a dashing cloak._

"That's definitely the second time Legolas has used the word _dashing_ in the last few minutes," Elrohir pointed out, earning him a glare from Legolas.

"The perfect Legolas could not come up with a new word to describe his awesomeness?" Elladan asked in mock horror putting his hands on his face to better portray dismay. "What oh what is the world coming to?"

_Just then Legolas sniffed the air and detected Aragorn coming towards him._

"Don't even say it," Aragorn growled.

_Just then Legolas had a glimpse of the future._

"Yeah right!" everyone bellowed as one.

_"Pippin will pick up the Palantir and Sauron will see him," he told the man._

_"You speak in riddles," Aragorn hiccupped as he swayed on his feet. It was obvious that the man was drunk._

"You were drunk," Aragorn muttered.

"Yeah," Gimli agreed, "after all you were the one involved in a drinking contest."

"So were you," Eomer pointed out.

_Not only was Aragorn drunk-_

"You wouldn't dare!"

_- he was smelly._

Gimli and Gandalf struggled to restrain Aragorn from attacking Legolas. The furious man was practically foaming at the mouth as he shouted curses and threats at the supremely unconcerned Prince of Mirkwood. Finally, once the rage had worn out, Aragorn sighed and sat back down.

"Why do you do that?" Frodo asked looking at Gimli and Gandalf. Sam had the oddest sensation of deja-vu but didn't say anything.

"What do you mean?" Gandalf asked exchanging a confused look with Gimli.

"Restrain Aragorn when you would love to see Legolas get the tar beat out of him." Gandalf and Gimli looked thoughtful for a minute then they shrugged.

"Well," Gimli sighed patting Aragorn on the arm, "go get him."

"Sorry," Aragorn replied looking a little depressed, "the moment is over."

"Smelly," Legolas said smirking at Aragorn.

"And the moment's back," Aragorn grinned standing up.

For the first time that day Legolas wondered if he had made a mistake.


	35. Gollum and Smeagol Arrive

**_Author's Note/ Apology:_**

_I'm sorry! I overestimated both my free time and my amount of inspiration. Needless to say I couldn't think of anything good enough. I swear I tried to write this chapter over five times. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy the chapter!_

_Just so you know "This" is how Smeagol talks and "**This**" is how Gollum talks. It was too confusing to use the same font for both of them. Hope it's understandable._

_Oh, and if you don't have mbus55 on Author Alert then you might not have known that I wrote a Christmas one-shot based on this story. I know it's a little late now but maybe you'd like to check it out…_

**Chapter #35:**

Legolas found himself cornered with a furious Aragorn closing in fast. He was sure that there was no escape. Then, something so unexpected happened that it made everyone stop and stare in shock and horror.

"**We wants to joins, yes,"** the ghost of Gollum screeched as he came right through the wall to join them all.

"_No we don't_," the small creature seemed to change before their eyes. Those who had had encounters with him before recognized the switch from Gollum to Smeagol. "_Please don't makes us listen to the nasty elf!"_

"**Oh shut up**!"

"Hello Smeagol," Frodo said to the creature with a lot more civility then you might suspect considering that it was Smeagol/Gollum's fault that Frodo was only sporting nine fingers.

"_Greetings master_," Smeagol said brightly. Then his face abruptly became stormy once again.

"**Wicked, tricksy, false**," he barked at Frodo, who sighed.

"Hello to you too Gollum," he acknowledged the not so sweet and innocent side of the transparent creature in front of them.

"Hey there Stinker," Sam greeted the schizophrenic ghost the same way he would have if Gollum/Smeagol were still alive and plotting to kill him and Frodo so that they could have the Ring all to their selves.

"Greetings fat hobbit," it was unclear exactly which side of Smeagol/Gollum had made this particular comment. It really didn't matter, they both disliked Sam about the same. Sam made to stand up but Frodo grabbed his arm with some soft calming words.

"I don't think that this is going to make things any better…" Gandalf muttered softly.

"But it will definitely make things more interesting," Thranduil replied.

"You are mad indeed," Elladan blurted out before he could check his tongue. His twin rolled his eyes, looking half embarrassed and half amused. Gimli turned to the father of his now completely insane friend.

"Things are not interesting for you already?" he asked.

"Granted things were already amusing," the elf chuckled, "but how often to you get to see a schizophrenic ghost driven even more insane then he already was?"

This question caused them all to muse, none of them could say that it was something that they'd already witnessed.

"I rest my case!" Thranduil announced smugly.

_"Oh great Legolas," a voice spoke in Legolas' head, "most wondrous of all elves."_

"It's the cause of his delusions," Elrohir shouted excitedly, "we should kill it!"

Uplifted they all began wondering exactly what sort of weapons would work on a voice that spoke to a person in their head. Frodo was just suggesting that they sick Gollum on it when Legolas began speaking again.

_Legolas, being as spectacular as he was, recognized the voice of Galadriel._

_"How may I help?" he asked, knowing that they must need his expertise for something of great importance._

"What exactly would Legolas' "expertise" be?" Pippin asked with a laugh.

"She needs his help to drive a group of people insane!" Merry answered.

_"Frodo and Sam are being attacked by an army of crazed Mary-Sues," the lady elf told the magnificent Legolas._

"That," Sam said slowly after a few minutes of staring in disbelief, "I do not remember in the slightest."

"Same," Frodo agreed.

"Mary-Whos?" the ghost of Gollum/Smeagol asked. The concept was quickly explained to him and the small ghost proceeded to make exaggerated gagging motions and then twitch and convulse on the floor for a few minutes.

"You trusted this to get your safely to Mordor?" Eomer asked with raised eyebrows. Frodo shrugged, trying to avoid the question. Sam, however, spoke up.

"It was Mr. Frodo's idea," he told Eomer, "I advised against it."

_"Have no fear," Legolas nobly proclaimed, "I will go and help those poor innocent hobbits at once!"_

"Have no fear," Gimli shouted jumping up on top of a table and striking a heroic pose, "Super-Delusional-Elf is here!"

"Da da da daaaaaaa!" Merry and Pippin trumpeted.

"You are all very weird," Thranduil told them.

"Thank you very much," Merry said while Pippin bowed with exaggerated hand motions. Gimli muttered something about "_Like you're one to talk_" though he was ignored by the elf King.

_"But how will you get there in time?" Galadriel asked._

_"With my teleporting powers of course," Legolas answered._

"Elves can't teleport!" Gandalf yelled.

"We have to give him that one," Elrohir said with a shrug.

"We do have amazing singing voices though," Elladan pointed out. All of the other elves in the room nodded seriously.

"I wish I could teleport," Aragorn grumbled, "then I could go back to Gondor."

"And miss all of the fun?" Gimli asked.

"Wouldn't you miss all of us?" Frodo asked with his best sad puppy dog face directed at Aragorn. It didn't work.

"No," the King of Gondor said flatly.

_Without another word Legolas used his awesome-_

-and imaginary

_- teleporting powers to go to where Frodo and Sam were._

"How did he know where we were?"

_Legolas knew where the two hobbits were because he was just that awesome and amazing._

"Oh…" was all that Sam could say in reply.

"This doesn't even make the tiniest once of sense anymore!" Gandalf cried frustrated.

_It was a good thing that Legolas had gotten there when he had._

"Yeah," Eomer muttered, "good for those of us in Rohan."

_For the Mary Sue army had completely surrounded the two hobbits._

"Why would the Mary Sues be going after Frodo and Sam?" Pippin asked looking confused.

"What do you mean?" Frodo asked. Pippin shrugged before answering.

"You two just are not as handsome as me." Frodo and Sam began chasing Pippin around the room, trying to whack his with books. Merry made no move to help Pippin, because he was laughing too hard.

_It was up to Legolas to save the day! Hobbits, of course, being completely and totally worthless when on their own._

This got all four of the hobbits attentions at once. They turned, as one, to glare at Legolas.

"I became a Knight of Gondor, sang an incredibly awesome song, and saved Faramir's life all on my own!" Pippin proclaimed counting his accomplishments on his fingers.

"Don't forget that I defeated a giant spider!" Sam added.

"And I killed the Witch King single handedly!" Merry boasted.

"Ahem," Eomer coughed loudly, "what about the heroic actions of my sister?" Merry sighed, but amended his statement.

"And I had a minimal-" Eomer began cracking his knuckles very threateningly. Merry gulped before continuing, "Okay, a great deal of assistance from the very talented Eowyn whose brother is also equally talented and amazing." Eomer grinned and patted the top of Merry's head.

"**_HELLO_**?" Frodo shouted causing everyone in the room to turn to him in shock. "Destroyed the One Ring? Defeated the evil Sauron once and for all? Saved all of your ungrateful lives? Any of this ringing a bell with anyone?"

"Keep your shirt on Frodo," Aragorn snapped, "we're not forgetting you."

"Though if you all knew the truth then you would all praise us for destroying the Precious, yes."

Everyone in the room, including Legolas, turned very slowly to look at the ghost of Gollum/Smeagol. The ghost grinned widely, thrilled to finally be in the spotlight.


	36. The Destruction Of The Precious

_**Author's Note:**_

_All right, I need suggestions! I want to get at least two people out so that I can bring Faramir and Eowyn in soon. I would love to just have everyone there, but it is too many people to do them all justice. So, if you have any ideas thank you so much._

_And also, thank you for your reviews and your patience. I will try to become more prompt in updating, I'm just not always inspired to write. I'll get back to Legolas' story next chapter. Anyway, hope you all enjoy!_

**Chapter #36:**

The entire group, including Legolas, turned to stare at Frodo. The hobbit in question was trying to heroic, as if he could do no wrong.

This was fooling none of them.

"Frodo," Eomer asked, "just what is this insane creature talking about?"

"He is just making up vicious lies," Frodo accused, "you can not trust a word that comes out of his mouth!" Frodo was now beginning to sound desperate and he began yelling and stamping his feet. "I destroyed the One Ring! Me! Me! Me!"

"False hobbit lies about the Precious he does," the ghost of Gollum/Smeagol spoke up yelling louder then Frodo. "Wicked! Tr-!"

"Can't you come up with a new insult?" Merry asked rolling his eyes.

"I think that we should all believe Mr. Frodo," Sam said, "after all we all owe him a great debt." But the ghost/creature was stomping his feet in anger.

"Stupid fat hobbit!" he shrieked.

"Ah yes," Thranduil sighed leaning back in his chair, "now things are getting interesting."

"Do not tell me that you are enjoying this!" Gandalf cried skeptically. Thranduil just grinned back at the frustrated wizard. "If Middle Earth ever comes under threat from a Dark Lord again I will not do anything to stop him," he cautioned them all.

"Who needs you?" Elladan asked.

"We have Super-Delusional-Elf to save the day!" Elrohir added.

"So Gollum, or whatever you want to be called," Pippin was saying, "why do you think that we should thank you for the defeat of Sauron? Did you annoy him to death or something?"

"Annoying a person to death would be something you would do Peregrin Took," Gandalf said darkly.

"Now, now Gandalf," Aragorn admonished the wizard in his best Don't-Forget-That-I'm-A-King voice, "just because you are bitter doesn't mean that you should bite Pippin's head off."

"How come you did not stick up for me the last time Gandalf was mean to me?" Pippin asked Aragorn.

"That time you deserved whatever he said to you," Gimli interrupted, "I mean, come on! You gave our position away to an army of things that killed a whole city of dwarves and that wanted to kill us!"

"Do you want to know how the Precious was destroyed?" Gollum asked sounding impatient and annoyed at being ignored.

"Sure," Eomer replied with a shrug as he leaned back in his chair, "why not?" Frodo and Sam exchanged worried looks.

"We led Master and Fat Hobbit into Mordor," the ghost of Gollum/Smeagol said, "just like they had asked. Suddenly Master went insane!"

"Okay," Frodo interrupted, "one: you didn't lead us to Mordor, you led us to the home of a giant, not to mention hungry, spider. Two: you tried to kill us!"

"You called me fat!" Sam added.

"And if anyone one of us were insane," Frodo concluded, "it was you."

"You guys are mean," Elladan said with a grin at Frodo and Sam.

"Hobbits may look cute and innocent," Aragorn warned the group, "but do not let it fool you. They are mean and they are better wrestlers then you would guess." Merry and Pippin grinned, knowing what Aragorn was talking about.

"I guess not all hobbits can claim that they managed to wrestle a King to the ground," Merry commented to Pippin. Aragorn looked annoyed as he turned to face the two hobbits.

"Do you want to go again?" he asked.

At that moment the Ghost of Gollum/Smeagol, thoroughly annoyed by the lack of attention he was getting from the insane crowd began to dance around and sing. His song choice was, The Song That Never Ends, and he seemed to be taking the title to heart.

Within five minutes everyone in the room had been reduced to covering their ears with their hands as they rocked back and forth in agony.

"Are you ready to listen to us now?" The ghost asked. Everyone nodded their agreement. Gollum/Smeagol looked over at Legolas.

"Is it always this hard to keep them focused?"

"Sometimes harder," Legolas told him. The Ghost of Gollum/Smeagol rolled his eyes before continuing his story. This time he did not waste time before jumping straight to the climax.

"Insane Master took the Precious for himself!"

This statement was met by a chorus of gasps from everyone in the library. In fact they could hear an exclamation or two from directly outside the library doors. All heads in the room swiveled to stare at Frodo and Sam.

"Frodo," Gimli asked, "is this accusation true?"

"Of course it is not," Eomer spoke at once. "It's not true…" He looked over at Frodo. "Is it?"

The blue-eyed hero of Middle Earth was trying as hard as possible to look outraged at the ghost's suggestion and innocent of any misdeed as he avoided everyone's gaze. Sam had turned red and was staring intently at his hairy feet.

"Frodo," Gandalf sighed, "tell us the truth."

"Well…"

"I know nothing," Sam burst out, "nothing at all."

"Frodo answer the question."

"All right," Frodo cried dramatically, "all right, I admit it! Are you all happy now? I gave in to the temptation of the Ring! I had to carry the thing for so long and I was so tired! But that doesn't mean that I didn't destroy it, because I did!"

"Yes he did," Sam agreed, ever the faithful friend.

"But you just said that you knew nothing," Elrohir pointed out.

"Master did not throw the Precious into the nasty burning lava that hurt poor Smeagol so much," the Ghost of Smeagol/Gollum spoke up again. This time he was holding their full and complete attention. "We were holding the Precious, preparing to throw it in when Master tried to take the Ring from poor us. In the struggle to keep the Precious out of his mad hands we tripped and **DDDIIIEEEDDDDD**!"

With this final pronouncement the Ghost of Smeagol/Gollum preceded to act the whole affair out. Gollum was Frodo while Smeagol played, well himself. Finally he ended his performance, writhing and screaming on the ground.

"This Gollum fellow isn't such a bad actor. I feel as if I'm actually there," Merry muttered to Pippin.

"I'm hungry," was all that Pippin said in reply.


	37. Escapes

_**Author's Note:**_

_So, we're not getting back to Legolas' story in this chapter, it just turned out to be longer then I thought it would be. Also you may not notice all of the ideas that I planned on using in it. I literally wrote this whole chapter while sitting through a **very** boring class so I didn't have the list of things I wanted to include with me. They might pop up later._

_But thank you to everyone who sent in their ideas/suggestions. Nari-chan SND, Allergic-to-Paradox, HannahCimsGwendolyn, all-evil-grins, and overcheatedXdreamer. You guys are really awesome and this chapter is dedicated to all of you._

_Anyway I will try to write even a short chapter to get back into Legolas' story by the weekend. If I don't feel free to e-mail/yell at me._

**Chapter #37:**

"_Thank you_," the Ghost of Smeagol cried with a bow, "_you've been a great audience!_"

"**We hates you** all," the Ghost of Gollum added, "**die**!" And with that the creature/ghost ran cackling through the wall and on to freedom from the dreaded library. Everybody stared after Gollum/Smeagol with wide eyes. Finally Gandalf broke the silence.

"Well…" he remarked slowly.

"Yeah," Aragorn agreed.

"That was…" Eomer paused trying to come up with a way to describe what had just happened. Finally he decided on a word, "interesting."

"It was disturbing," Thranduil corrected him. The elf did not look particularly disturbed however, merely as if he was amused. Elladan noticed this has he glared at the king.

"You enjoyed that," he accused Thranduil.

"I did," he admitted calmly.

"Insanity truly runs strong in your family," Gimli commented to Thranduil and Legolas. Neither elf was able to dispute that fact.

"Now I know why Frodo and Sam were so messed up when they had finished their mission," Merry remarked, "we always assumed it was because Mount Doom was a life changing experience, right Pippin?"

Pippin, however, was not paying a little bit of attention to what the group was talking about. He had run at the library doors, yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Elrond I know you can hear me," Pippin shouted as he banged on the library door, "I swear that if you do not send me food then I will eat **all** of the books in this library **except** for Legolas' story."

This got results. But not everyone was happy with the results. Nobody doubted that Pippin was capable of eating a library of books if he was hungry. And since Pippin was never not hungry… well you get the idea: The library of Rivendell was in danger of being devoured. Elrond quickly whipped the kitchens into action. Then he began to look for "willing volunteers" to bring the food into the library.

He tried asking Galadriel, but she politely declined by threatening to torture Elrond for the rest of time by making Legolas' story replay forever in his mind. So he began to look for "willing volunteers" who did not have to ability to project things into his mind.

Meanwhile, inside of the dreaded library Thranduil leaned over and spoke softly to Eomer, who he was sitting next to.

"Are you tired of being trapped in here and forced to listen to my son's story?" he asked the King of Rohan.

"Do horses like hay?" Eomer asked as he rolled his eyes. Thranduil just kept waiting for an answer so Eomer elaborated. "Yes," he sighed.

"Then follow my lead," Thranduil advised Eomer still speaking quietly, "I'm busting out of here. I am becoming ashamed of my son's antics. Not to mention that I am starting to get a terrible headache."

Eomer decided not to tell the King of Mirkwood that his headache was probably part of an oncoming hangover. After all, he reasoned, Thranduil had to have been **really** drunk to have volunteered to enter the library.

No one in their right mind would choose to listen to Legolas' story.

"All right," Thranduil interrupted Eomer's thoughts, "in a minute Elrond is going to send someone through that door with food so that Pippin will spare his books. When the door opens, just run at it as fast as you can."

"You can count on me," he assured Thranduil.

"You believe whatever you want to," Thranduil mumbled with a shrug.

The first people that Elrond found were Eowyn and Faramir. Before they knew what had happened they were being handed knee buckling amounts of food and ushered into the library. As Faramir entered Denethor laughed and pointed at his least favorite son.

And so, when the door opened Eomer pushed through the door, barely noticing that it was his sister and her husband who he nearly knocked over. The hobbits stampeded the couple, afraid that the food was about to fall.

Those who had been guarding the library door took off after Eomer. The King of Rohan ran to the stables, jumped on a horse, and rode off without a backwards glance, still being pursued.

They didn't even notice Thranduil calmly walking out of the library until it was too late.

As realization set over those within the library tempers rose extremely fast. And extremely fast is a huge understatement. It was as if one second they were all standing on the top of the Caradhras and all of the sudden using Legolas' teleporting powers they were in the heartland of Mordor.

All in all, it was not a happy group.

"They got away!"

"Those bastards!"

"My own brother!"

"Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!"

"Stupid elf king!"

"Burn his hair!"

"Stupid man king!"

"Burn his hair!"

"Can I make a suggestion that doesn't involve violence?" Faramir asked.

"**NO**!" everyone yelled back.

"Never mind then…" Faramir mumbled sitting back against the couch with a sigh.

"Give it some time," Sam assured him looking sympathetic, "once you hear some of Legolas' story you will understand the rage at those who do not have to listen to the story of doom death and destruction."

Elrohir and Elladan had their own way to deal with the escape of Thranduil and Eomer.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Elrohir asked his brother.

"Yep," he answered.

And with that the two twins picked up a chair and threw it out a window. With the window now open the two jumped out and ran for their lives.

_**Second Author's Note:**_

_"Can I make a suggestion that doesn't involve violence?" is a line borrowed from one of the very best movies on all time, Serenity. I suggest that if you have a chance you watch it and the television show it is based off of, Firefly. They are awesome beyond all belief._


	38. A New Power For Legolas

_**Author's Note:**_

_So I managed to write about a page of this during an exceptionally boring class but the rest of it I am writing on Saturday just as I have woken up, (eleven o'clock), so if there are any mistakes that would be the reason._

_There is a mention of Cotton Candy in this chapter, and I just wanted to say that I know there is no Cotton Candy in Middle Earth. You'll just have to deal with it._

_Thanks for the reviews! I hope that everyone likes this chapter!_

**Chapter #38:**

"Did my good for nothing brother escape again?" Eowyn asked.

"Yep," Merry answered.

"I will kill him!" she shouted. "Or maybe I won't…" suddenly Eowyn's face broke into an evil smile that could have scared a Ringwraith. The entire group felt an overwhelming urge to take a giant step away from the woman.

"What are you thinking?" Faramir asked.

"I was just thinking that instead of killing him I might just burn his baby blankie."

"You are truly diabolical," Aragorn told her, "and also I never cheated. You and I never had a secret affair."

"I'm glad to hear that," Faramir chuckled throwing an arm around Eowyn's shoulder. The two of them found seats and sat down.

Legolas, bored, decided that they had all gone long enough without listening to his story.

_At the appearance of Legolas the Mary Sue army tried to stampede him, the hobbits completely forgotten. Because no being could possibly match Legolas' dashing handsomeness._

"Nothing but a warg with bad dental hygiene," Gimli said seriously.

_But Legolas was too strong and within a couple of seconds he had defeated them all._

"That is impossible!" Faramir burst out incredulously. "No one is that fast or that good."

_Legolas was just that fast and good._

"Okay there is no way that was written there," Faramir said angrily.

"Just give it up," Gandalf advised, "he is too far gone for logic to reach him."

"As are most of us," Aragorn added.

_Then it was time for Legolas to teleport back to Rohan._

"Oh of all the crazy and insane claims!" Eowyn cried exasperated, "The elf can teleport now?"

"You have missed a lot," Merry said with a shrug, "Legolas is also brighter then the sun, has super healing powers, and can do magic that rivals a wizard."

_"Oh great and powerful Legolas," Frodo sobbed as he clung to his hero's legs, "don't leave me alone!"_

"What was I? Just decoration?" Sam asked looking insulted.

_"The One Ring is too much of a burden," the hobbit cried pathetically, "I could not take one more step further with it around my neck! I would surely die of the agony! Whine-Blah-Whine!"_

"I do not sound like that!" Frodo exclaimed. Sitting next to him Sam suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. "What are you laughing at?" he demanded and Sam tried to control himself but was unable to. "I do not sound like that!"

"You keep telling yourself that," Merry cackled.

_"Do not fret Frodo," Legolas told the hobbit._

"Yeah," Aragorn rolled his eyes as he spoke, "Super-Delusional-Elf is here to save you." Faramir looked at Aragorn in confusion.

"Super-Delusional-Elf?" he asked.

"Super-Delusional-Elf!" Gimli cried striking his heroic pose once again.

"It is Legolas' new name," Gandalf explained, "he has earned it."

"Give it time," Sam advised the man, "everything will be made clear."

"What exactly does that mean?" he asked.

"I do not know," Sam answered with a shrug, "but it has a sort of wise ring to it, doesn't it?"

"Just smile and nod honey," Eowyn whispered to Faramir, "they are all too far gone to be saved, but if we do not succumb to the craziness, and try not to let Legolas get to us, we just might have a chance."

_"Frodo," Legolas said kindly, "I would never dream of letting a burden such as the One Ring to fall into such incredibly weak hands such as yours. I know that you are not strong enough to deal with it."_

"Are one of you going to defend me?" Frodo asked.

"You did lie to us," Gimli pointed out.

"And I think he has called other people worse names," Gandalf said thoughtfully. Everyone turned to look at Aragorn who mouthed the word "_Smelly_" before beginning to rock back and forth in his seat.

"I fear for Gondor on our return," Faramir muttered.

_"During the Council of Elrond I only pretended to stand up to defend Aragorn," Legolas told Frodo, "really I was jut trying to get close enough to the One Ring so I could switch it with a fake one. I am the true Ring-Bearer."_

Surprisingly there was a complete lack of surprise on the part of the listeners at this latest claim. Truly nothing could shock them any more. If Sauron himself had burst in collecting money to help sick puppies and kittens none of them would have batted an eye. Gimli was the first to make a comment.

"Yeah," Gimli snorted sarcastically, "and my beard is made entirely of cotton candy."

Pippin whirled around to stare at said beard with an unmistakably hungry expression on his face. Gimli noticing the fact that Pippin was practically drooling as he took a step towards where Gimli was sitting spoke up at once.

"It's not!" Gimli swatted Pippin away. "If you touch my beard Peregrin Took I'll chop off your hairy feet!" Pippin went back to his seat at once.

"I wasn't going to," the hobbit muttered defensively.

"Better add '_Immunity to the power of the One Ring'_ to the list of powers Legolas has bestowed upon himself," Merry commented sounding a little bored.

"Oh are you guys keeping a list now?" Eowyn asked.

"I have been since I came back in," Gandalf told her, "I was just a little bored."


	39. Praying For Legolas Makes Sam Crazy

_**Author's Note:**_

_I can't wait for the weekend, I am so tired. I think I'm going to sleep through it. I hope that you like this chapter, it's been a little difficult to write. I have realized that these chapters have had very little of Legolas' story in them and thus the plot is not moving along very fast. I'll try to fix that in the next couple of chapters._

_Just to warn everyone events may be out of order towards the end. Mostly because I want to write things, (such as having Legolas teleport to Minas Tirith), I just haven't had any ideas yet so for now I'll write things more or less in the order that the come to me. I do not mean that things will be so crazy out of order the story no longer makes sense, you might just notice one or two things out of their true order. I am very sorry, I will try to keep that from happening if I can but I thought I'd warn you just in case._

_Thank you to everyone who read and especially to those who reviewed! You guys are the best!_

**Chapter #39:**

_And yet even as Legolas proved to Frodo that he had had everything under control from the very beginning-_

"Come on," Frodo cried with his hands on his hips, "someone has to defend me and say how I was an awesome Ring-Bearer!" Everyone stared at him with raised eyebrows. Finally after a long pause Gimli answered.

"Give me a second… no."

"But I saved Middle Earth!"

"Only through an extraordinary amount of luck," Gandalf pointed out.

"As if the rest of you did not relay on luck," Frodo answered. Everyone else in the group avoided each other's gazes as they recalled their own lucky breaks from the War of the Ring.

_- another person was unable to stop events that were supposed to be under his control from slipping completely and totally into chaos. Legolas suspected that it was probably all because of his smelliness._

Of course no one in the room needed to be told who Legolas was talking about. All of them turned practically in unison to look over at Aragorn who had relapsed back into his rocking and muttering phase.

"Are you letting events fall into chaos **again** Aragorn?" Eowyn joked.

_Mr. Smelly himself had ignored the awesome Legolas' warning that Pippin would take the palantir and was now completely clueless as to what to do._

"Mr. Smelly?!?" Everyone chorused.

"That's King Smelly," Faramir quipped. Aragorn reacted by calmly trying to beat Faramir with a pillow. But he was not nearly as skilled at beating people with a pillow as Eowyn, Faramir was able to escape with his life and hide behind his wife.

"You know," Pippin said amidst the commotion around him, "I did not mean to look into the palantir and thus almost give away everything to Sauron. It was an accident and not my fault in the least."

"Pippin nobody is paying attention to that now that Legolas has called Aragorn Mr. Smelly," Gandalf told the hobbit. Pippin was very relieved, and also very amused by the name Mr. Smelly.

_"Help us oh great Legolas," Aragorn prayed._

"Uh oh Aragorn," Eowyn grinned, "looks like you've joined the Legolas-Is-Great Club."

"Aragorn is praying to Legolas as if he were a god," Frodo commented.

"That's because he is a god," Sam told Frodo in a decidedly creepy voice.

"You okay there Sam?" Merry asked. "You sound as if you have really lost it."

"That's because I have!" he cried. Then Sam leapt at Merry, who was standing closest to him, and began to strangle him. Everyone else in the library stared, some looking shocked and surprised and some looking as if they knew it had been bound to happen eventually.

"Help me!" Merry was choking but still managed to make himself heard somehow over Sam's maniacal laughter. "Help! One of you insane lunatics do something to help me!"

The door swung open and they were all shocked to see Lady Galadriel enter the library, armed with a large bucket of water. The beautiful elf lady stepped over to Sam and dumped the contents all over him.

Sam stopped strangling Merry at once. The hobbit stood in the center of the room dripping all over. He blinked slowly and looked around the room, confused. Galadriel looked serenely pleased with herself.

"He will be fine now," she told them, "his crazy homicidal thoughts were disturbing my nap."

And just as quickly as she had come in Galadriel swept back out of the library.

"I hate to admit this," Aragorn said, "but she terrifies me."

"You are not alone," Faramir assured him.

"She is the most enchanting creature ever to live," Gimli sighed with a dreamy expression on his face.

"Clearly she is beautiful but she is not as gorgeous as Arwen," Aragorn said in a loud voice, "she is like a dove and I never cheated on her!"

"She can not hear you," Galadriel shouted through the doors. Aragorn went pale at the thought that Galadriel had heard him and looked as if he were considering going back into the corner to rock and mutter some more.

"Well clearly they can not match the beauty of Eowyn," Faramir said. Everyone in the room, of course, knew that Faramir had been "encouraged" to say this by Eowyn who now held the pillow that Aragorn had relinquished when he had stopped trying to kill Faramir.

"I do not think that any of you have met my wife Rosie," Sam commented.

"Gentlemen," Merry said with a grin, "please put a halt to this pointless argument. Obviously the most beautiful creature in Middle Earth is our very own Mr. Delusional Elf, Legolas."


	40. Groupies And Guppies

_**Author's Note:**_

_I'm sorry about the long wait. I had mini break from school but I had forgotten to bring the notebook with my rough draft for this chapter home with me, and I really did not want to start from scratch. Then I had problems uploading it, I don't know the site must have been screwy._

_I hope to get another chapter out in a week, but my classes have been killing me so I needed some time to concentrate on school work. I wish that I could say my summer looked like I would have time to write but it looks like it's going to be busy too, which sucks. But I guess I shouldn't worry about that yet._

_Anyway thank you so much to everyone that reviewed. I am glad that people still like this story and I hope that people will continue to make suggestions and comments on how I can make it better. Happy reading!_

**Chapter #40:**

_Legolas indeed heard Aragorn's prayer, and appeared in Rohan a second later._

"We're doomed," Eowyn sighed, "this is the end. We could survive Saruman trying to defeat us and the death of Theoden but we will not endure Legolas' arrival in our fair country. Rohan will fall."

"Too bad," Gimli sighed seriously, "I was counting on you to be the person who could come in here and leave with your sanity."

"As if there is such a person alive or dead," Aragorn snorted.

_When Legolas arrived he found that both Pippin and Gandalf were in danger because they had looked into the Palantir._

"What?!?!" Gandalf had drawn himself up angrily glaring at Legolas indignantly.

"Merry made me do it," Pippin burst out, pointing at his friend, "it's all his fault."

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Knock it off," Eowyn snarled.

"Yes madam," they both chorused at once.

_Finding that once again no one alive was competent enough, or handsome enough, or brave enough-_

"- or dumb enough."

"- or delusional enough."

_- to save the day Legolas had to step in and be a hero._

"He really is my hero," Gimli joked in a fake girly voice clasping his hands together and attempting to look like an adoring fan, "oh save me Legolas. You are my hero!"

"That is so wrong," Gandalf told Gimli after a slight pause, "that if you ever do it again I will not be responsible for my actions." Everyone else in the library nodded their agreement with this.

"It couldn't have been that bad," Gimli sulked.

"It was," everyone answered together.

_As soon as Legolas took the palantir Sauron felt the power of Middle Earth's greatest elf, attacking him like a bolt of lightning._

"A conceited and insane bolt of lightning," Aragorn added.

_The power of the amazing Legolas was so great that Sauron was forced to retreat, wounded from the spilt second encounter, trembling out of fear of the elf he knew he could never defeat._

"It's so crazy and so impossible that you wonder exactly how he came up with it," Faramir commented.

"I do not think that I ever want to know where or how he came up with it," Sam insisted.

Legolas glared darkly over at the Mary Sue story he had been reading at the start of the whole fiasco.

"Princess Fluffy Muffy Pink-Sunshine Fairy Wings and her Giant Flying Pink tiger," he muttered. Those who heard this decided that for the sake of their own sanity they should pretend that they had not heard this.

_Legolas quickly became annoyed by Gandalf and Pippin. The two of them had been singing to Legolas the whole day, still trying to thank him for saving their lives. These two, however, had the worst singing voices in the history of Middle Earth._

Gandalf had no defense for this, and he looked at the floor avoiding the eye contact of everyone else who was stuck in the library. Pippin, on the other hand, stood up with his hands on his hips.

"That is not true," Pippin protested hotly, "I am actually known as the Songbird of the Took family."

"It's true," Merry shrugged while Frodo nodded in agreement, "he is."

"That is a frightening notion," Eowyn muttered to Faramir. In her mind she was picturing Pippin sitting in a bird cage covered in feathers chirping. Sensing that this was what she was picturing Faramir patted her shoulder soothingly.

"Besides," Faramir added with a chuckle, "you guys have never heard my brother sing. Talk about ear splitting..."

From somewhere off in the distance the elves, (who, of course, had superior hearing), thought they heard Boromir's voice shouting, "You're just jealous!", but this was ignored as there were stranger things for the occupants of Rivendell to concern themselves with.

Such as why Galadriel was in the stable collecting a bucket full of horse manure. **That** was truly troubling to all of the elves in Rivendell.

Legolas began to continue to tell his story, speaking of how annoying Pippin and Gandalf were being in detail. Both Gandalf and Pippin were protesting, while everyone else was just relieved that Legolas was not picking on them.

During the long list of annoying things that Gandalf and Pippin had "done" to celebrate the greatness that is Legolas Sam leaned over to Frodo.

"I can see how Pippin would be annoying," he whispered to Frodo, "but Gandalf is a helpful and wise advisor. I just don't think a person would get annoyed with Gandalf." Unfortunately our hobbit friend was not speaking softly enough.

"I'll get you gardener," Pippin vowed with a glare. Sam edged away from Pippin in what he hopped was an innocent manner.

_But Legolas had an idea to rid himself of the two annoying groupies._

"Groupies…?" Gimli mused slowly.

All of them were now experiencing mental pictures that had Pippin and Gandalf wearing various ridicules outfits and swooning over Legolas, (who for some reason was wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses).

The only person whose mental image was drastically different from everyone else's was in fact Pippin, who had confused groupies with guppies.

"I hope he doesn't plan on cooking us and then eating us," Pippin commented worriedly, which in turn caused the entire group to stare at **him** worriedly.


	41. A New Army

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well it's a little later then I'd hoped but here it is, the next chapter. Hope you all like it!_

**Chapter #41:**

_"I need you two to go on a special, secret mission," Legolas announced to the annoying Pippin and Gandalf. Both of them were eager to reply, like slobbering puppies begging for food from their master._

"That's the most unrealistic comparison I've ever heard in my life," Pippin complained, "I am no slobbering puppy!" The enraged hobbit banged a fist on the arm of the sofa to emphasize his point.

"Hey Pip," Merry said pointing to the sofa, "I think there's a piece of bread crust under the sofa."

"Mine!" Pippin shouted vaulting out of his chair and scrambling to the sofa. The hungry hobbit got down on all fours as he stuck his whole head under the sofa trying to locate the bread crust.

"Wow," Gimli commented sounding shocked, "Legolas wasn't so far off for once. Good demonstration there Merry." Merry bowed in appreciation to the compliment. Pippin brought his head back out and looked over at Merry.

"I don't see it," he complained.

"Hmm," Merry pretended to be confused, "I must have been seeing things." Pippin sighed sadly and trudged back to his chair.

_So Legolas sent Gandalf and Pippin to Minas Tirith where they would be out of his hair._

"It is hard to stay out of Legolas' hair because it is so long," Frodo said.

_But Legolas was tired of being stuck in Rohan-_

"Yes!" Eowyn pumped her fist in excitement.

_- since it was such a boring and drab country._

"Don't kill him," Faramir cried to his wife as he, Aragorn, and Gimli had to hold her back from attacking Legolas, "it's not worth it!"

_Legolas told the people of Rohan that he was going to get help for their side by getting the cursed ghosts of the mountain to fight for him. Unfortunately Legolas was forced to bring Aragorn and Gimli with him since they were so clingy and needy for his attention._

"Give me a break," Gimli sighed rolling his eyes.

"What did I ever do to you?" Aragorn asked. "Did my Elrohir and Elladan put you up to this?"

"Hmm," Merry mused, "he left out the part about Elrond bringing Aragorn the sword."

"But it has nothing to do with Legolas," Gimli reminded him, "therefore it was not an important detail in the least."

"But Legolas could have claimed that Elrond brought the sword for him, not Aragorn," Merry pointed out.

"Ah," Gimli countered, "but the great and mighty Legolas has no use for a measly sword."

"It is true that Legolas has evolved beyond the need for weapons," Eowyn joked, "in fact Legolas counts on his over powering good looks to win him victory in battle. His enemies take one look at his dashing figure, perfect hair, and intensely engaging eyes and they simply faint from his hotness."

"Hey," Faramir exclaimed turning to his wife, "you're married to me! You're not supposed to look at other men, even if they are elves."

"Oh honey," Eowyn kissed her husband on the cheek, "I am married, not blind."

"I am glad that my Rosie doesn't look at other men," Sam commented.

"Okay Sam enough about your perfect wife," Aragorn snapped.

"Yes," Faramir added, "stop rubbing her in our faces."

"Are you complaining?" Eowyn asked with narrowed eyes. Everyone else couldn't help but to laugh at the look on Faramir's face as he stammered out an apology to Eowyn.

_So Legolas went to call forth the ghosts who dwelled in the mountain to fight for their cause._

"Yeah you wish you could call forth an army of ghosts," Aragorn taunted standing up, "but that was all me. Who's the heir?" He pointed at himself with a satisfied grin. "I'm the heir."

"Sit down Mr. Heir," Gimli growled.

"Yeah," Frodo agreed, "no wonder Legolas has it out for you."

_But the ghosts were jealous and tried to kill Legolas-_

"Smart ghosts," Eowyn commented impressed.

_- so Legolas had no choice but to kill all of the ghosts using his mad ghost busting skills._

"Mad ghost busting skills?" Sam asked with a wrinkled nose.

"I hate to say it," Aragorn said to his old friend, "but Legolas, you have become a big goof ball."

_Once they were all defeated Legolas was in such a bad mood that he left the mountain-_

"And was blinded by the light," Gandalf said.

"No silly," Frodo chuckled, "Legolas _**is**_ the light!"

_- and killed all of the Corsairs_ _who were unlucky enough to be passing by._

"But they were not unlucky because they died," Faramir informed everyone else, "those poor Corsairs were unlucky because they had to see Legolas." Everyone in the library shook their heads in sympathy.

_After releasing his anger Legolas calmly led Aragorn and Gimli onto the ships and began to sail all of the ships to Minas Tirith._

"How could Legolas crew a fleet of ships?" Sam wondered aloud.

"Legolas must have turned himself into an entire army!" Pippin cried.

"No," Gandalf scoffed, "Legolas has indeed gone insane but even he would-"

_Legolas accomplished this task by turning into an army._

**"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

Outside of the library everyone in Rivendell heard the cry that came up from those listening to the story.

"That doesn't sound good," Elrond commented.

"No it doesn't," Glorfindel agreed.


	42. Everyone Has Cracked

_**Author's Note:**_

_Yay! I'm done my first year of college! Yes, I know it's been a while, I just haven't had too much free time or inspiration. This is a pretty short chapter, but I just wanted to post so you all would know that I hadn't died or something. Anyway I hope you enjoy it. I'll try to post soon._

**Chapter #42:**

"Too many, too many, too many, too many-" Gimli repeated over and over again as he rocked back in forth in his chair. Frodo and Sam were there, dancing around him and waving their hands in front of his face trying to get him to notice them. But he didn't even look at them.

"He's turned himself into an army," Merry said in a stunned, lifeless voice.

"I know," Pippin replied patting his friend's arm reassuringly.

"How?" Merry asked.

"He is insane," Gandalf answered gruffly, "that's how. And we are all insane too thanks to him." The wizard had spent the last couple of minutes deciding whether to smother himself with a pillow or not. Unfortunately for him there were no more fully intact pillows left in the library.

"Fire!" Aragorn exclaimed suddenly, "Burn him with fire! Already burning!" Faramir looked deeply shaken by this and began to back away while looking for something with which to put any fires that might start out with.

Eowyn simply threw back her head and laughed.

"Do you think she's laughing because she has gone mad or do you think she is laughing at us because we have gone mad?" Sam asked, looking over at Eowyn nervously.

"I do not think it makes a difference anymore Sam," Frodo replied.

And he was right.

Legolas was looking around at all of the madness surrounding him irately. He had been trying for the last several minutes to continue telling his story but his audience were so far gone that they hadn't even heard him.

"Now look what you've done Legolas," a voice said from the door, "you broke your friends." Legolas looked over to see Arwen poking her head in the library door to look inside.

"Have you come to listen to more of my wonderful story?" he asked her.

"Are you kidding? I would rather cut off my ears. Father instructed me to bring you two more listeners," she stepped back and pushed her brothers into the library. "Have fun!" she called with an evil chuckle.

"Traitor!"

"We will escape again!"

"It will take more then one insane elf to keep us in here!"

"Just you wait!"

The introduction of Elrohir and Elladan, who had escaped the library earlier, got the attention of the assorted loonies still trapped in the library. The twins exchanged worried looks as nine pairs of mad eyes focused on them.

"Did you enjoy your little jail break?" Aragorn asked, looking particularly manic.

"Uhh…. no?" Elladan answered not sounding sure.

"Yeah it was really awful," Elrohir nodded trying to look as sincere as possible, "we felt really bad about leaving you all here." He discreetly stepped on his brother's foot and Elladan began nodding as well.

"That is why we choose to come back to help you out, even if it meant another trip to the library for us," he told the assorted crazy people before him.

"You two are lying," Frodo accused.

"How would you know?" Elrohir asked.

"I grew up with those two," Frodo pointed over at Merry and Pippin, "trust me, I have learned to identify when someone is lying and when they are telling the truth." Not even the twins felt they could argue against that statement.

"It does not matter," Legolas interrupted everyone, "because they are here just in time to listen to my tale."

"We do not want to!" both Elladan and Elrohir shouted at Legolas.

"We do not want to either!" everyone in the room shouted as loud as they could.

"Too bad," Legolas smirked.


	43. The I Hate Denethor Club

_**Author's Note:**_

_I'll keep this short so we can get on with the story. Thank you for all of the reviews, they were really great!_

**Chapter #43:**

"So," Elrohir asked as the two twins sat down next to each other, "how have things been in here? Same old same old?"

"Legolas is still intent on driving you all off the walls?" his twin added.

"It is worse then you could imagine," Aragorn insisted, "Legolas has turned himself into a whole army of Legolas'."

"It's not so bad," Elladan answered with a shrug.

"It could be worse," Elrohir agreed.

"How?" Practically the whole room asked this question looking at the twins in disbelief. Even Legolas, asked with an excitedly curious look as he picked up a quill, poised to write out the new horror.

"He could be aided by an army of furry woodland creatures who are eager to do his every bidding at the sound of his lovely singing voice," Elladan grinned. Everyone in the room looked at them in horror.

"You have read the Mary Sues!" Legolas accused.

"For some laughs," Elrohir nodded solemnly.

"You two are twisted beings," Legolas informed the twins, his eyes wide at their bravery.

"Maybe all elves are secretly nutso, mad, cuckoo-pants but they spend their whole lives pretending otherwise," Pippin mused aloud, "lulling their friends into a false belief that they are the most sane beings ever."

"I believe you might be correct," Gimli agreed.

Finally Legolas shook the horror off and continued his story.

_So for now, as painful as it is sure to be, our story takes a brief look away from where Legolas is and at somewhere else, where his magnificence does not occupy but touches all the same._

"Wait a moment," Merry said slowly, "does that mean what I think it means?" A second later everyone in the library was cheering, laughing, dancing, and hugging each other in joy.

"No Legolas! It's like a dream come true!"

"Oh happy day!"

"This is better then my wedding day!"

"What was that?" Eowyn snapped going from happy to stormy furious in a split second.

"It was Sam," he defended himself futilely, "Sam said it. Not me, not me, not me!"

"Oy," Sam cried angrily, "don't try to pin this on me!"

"I am not a smelly cheater!" Aragorn shouted.

"Good for you," Elrohir patted Aragorn's back sympathetically.

_Gandalf and Pippin arrived in Gondor, still discussing amongst themselves the awesomeness that was Legolas._

"Pah," Gandalf scoffed, "as if we didn't have better things to talk about."

"Pah?" Elladan asked. "Really Gandalf, just because Legolas has become incoherent doesn't mean that you have to follow his example." Elrohir rolled his eyes at his brother's lack of tact, (otherwise known as a really big mouth).

"Watch who you insult Elf," the wizard replied in a threatening voice.

_They rode into Minas Tirith, where the people were sad and depressed because there was no Legolas around to light up their sad and dreary existence with his incredibleness._

"Oh how we in Rohan envied you," Eowyn sighed.

"Yeah," Faramir grinned, "those really were good times. So my father was a cracked old geezer with a couple of cards missing from his deck. At least Legolas wasn't there."

"Excuse me?" A voice boomed from behind Faramir. As there was just a solid wall behind Faramir they were all quite surprised.

Then they saw the head of Denethor poking through the wall. His eyes were livid and actually did nothing but support Faramir's observations. He struggled through the wall, and the reason became clear a second later. Denethor was struggling because his other son was trying to hold him back.

"Come on Father," Boromir was pleading, "we'll go back to Gondor and you can spend a fun filled day frightening little children, just please let us not rejoin the insanity in the library."

"Hello Boromir," Aragorn said pleasantly, "how have you been?" His words and tone were sweet, but his face revealed pent up rage and resentment.

"Hey guys," Boromir said in what he hoped was a soothing voice, "how have you all been? Enjoying the story?"

"If I were dead I'd beat you with your own shield until you were nothing but a pile of goo on the ground for abandoning us!" Gimli roared standing up and pointing a finger at his former comrade.

"And have I ever mentioned how every glad I am that you did not follow my example and die during the War of the Ring?" Boromir grinned. "Now if you excuse me I'll just take my loony tunes dad with me and we'll get out of your hair."

And he wasn't joking about the hair thing, he was being serious. During the whole exchange Denethor had been swatting uselessly at his live son's head. Faramir merely sighed and shrugged, looking a little bored.

"Oh no," Denethor said stubbornly, "I'm not going anywhere until I hear what this Elf has to say about me. Probably all good things."

"You're right Pip," Merry whispered, "he really is scary."

"I told you so."

_They went to see Denethor, the Steward of Gondor. He was furious when he saw them._

"Because they were plotting to overthrow me in favor of a smelly Ranger!" Denethor shouted.

"I am not smelly!" Aragorn shouted back.

"I wasn't speaking to you scum!"

"Hello, I am the King of Gondor! I outrank you like a thousand times!"

"Maybe but you are a horrible dresser all the same!"

"Okay," Gandalf sighed, "break it up."

_Denethor was furious because he had been hoping that Legolas would grace him with his exalted presence but he was crushed when his hero did not come._

"Which one is Legolas again?" Denethor asked looking confused.

"He would be the one currently diving this assorted gang into a state of madness even you can not compete with," Boromir informed his father. Denethor continued to look confused. "The blond one telling the story," Boromir sighed.

"Oh," Denethor nodded, "the blond girly one."

"Denethor," Aragorn smiled, "maybe we can be friends after all."

"I would rather set myself on fire and jump off a cliff then be friends with someone as SMELLY as you."

"If you would like," Faramir whispered leaning over to Aragorn, "you can join the 'I Hate Denethor Club, Gondor Chapter'. You could even be Vice-President if you want."

"Why can't I be President?" Aragorn whined.

"Because I am the President," Faramir snapped.

"Fine," he agreed.

"When we get back to Gondor I will send you the member package. You get a button that says 'IHD' (the initials of our club), a tee shirt with the club name and club symbol written on it, and a tote bag that says, 'I Like Denethor… Well Done.', with a picture of Denethor on fire."

"You have way too much time on your hands dear," Eowyn observed patting her husband's arm, "from now on you are cooking dinner. How many chapters are there of your club?"

"Just two," Faramir answered, "Gondor and the Shire."

"The Shire?" Aragorn asked. Pippin pulled out his official IHD button and held it up for them to see.

"President Pippin at your service," he grinned.

"Those are some of the scariest words I have ever heard," Gandalf confided in Elrohir and Elladan. The twins nodded in agreement.

_"Lord Denethor," Gandalf said, "the great Legolas will come. But in the meantime he has sent us to help you. But I think you are a fat stupid head and I think that Aragorn should replace you."_

"I never said that!" Gandalf argued.

"That is exactly what he said!" Denethor shouted pointing at Gandalf.

"You lying, fat, stupid head! If I had my staff…"

_And if that hadn't been bad enough Pippin was there to make things worse._

"Why me?" Pippin sighed.

_"Hey," the slow witted hobbit said, "I knew I guy who lived in Gondor his name was Boromir. He was killed pretty gruesomely when he was busy being stupid. Did you know him?"_

"Oh thanks a lot Pippin," Boromir snapped, "yeah that is exactly what you should say to a grieving father. We'll ignore the fact that I DIED SAVING YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE-"

"Legolas is lying!" Everyone else in the library shouted exasperatedly.

"I knew that…" Boromir muttered.

_"That's a shame," the Steward of Gondor sighed, "I wish my other son Faramir had died instead. I really hate him."_

"Hmm," Denethor mused, "this elf seems to know exactly what was said."

"It figures that Father would like this insane horror," Faramir groaned.


	44. The Legoli

_**Author's Note:**_

_So here is the next chapter. It is a little random but I hope you like it anyway._

_A very big thank you to __Lily Winterwood __for her granting me permission to use her brilliant idea, the Legoli. Thank you so much!_

_Just a quick note, due to the response I got from the I Hate Denethor Club I will be posting a story focused on it. I am posting it right after I post this so please check it out._

_Anyway thanks for reading!_

**Chapter #44:**

_But since nothing of importance really happened there our story will go back to the amazing, incredible, absolutely perfect in every single possible way, brilliant, awe-inspiring, super cool-_

"Get on with it!" everyone shouted together at Legolas. The elf in question looked a little annoyed but with a loud sigh he skipped about five pieces of parchment before beginning again.

_"- and all around great guy Legolas."_

"Wait a second," Denethor said looking confused, "he was not talking about me just now? That is not right!"

"As much as it pains me to agree with you father," Faramir sighed, "Legolas is skipping quite a lot of important stuff, and most of my scenes."

"Although he did not skip mine," Boromir pointed out, "he mangled them horribly but he did not dare skip over them."

"Shut up," Faramir muttered trying to punch his brother but failing because Boromir was transparent. Boromir stuck his tongue out at his little brother. "So immature," he rolled his eyes.

"He is skipping over my song!" Pippin cried in a horrified voice ending the brother squabbling. "My beautiful song! Oh my song, mine, my own, my-"

"If you say the word precious I will swing you around the room by your curly hair," Frodo growled.

"-my… perfection." Pippin ended his thought quickly.

"Very good," Frodo smiled.

"He is rather threatening for a tragic hero," Elladan muttered.

"This story has brought out the most surprising sides in all of us," Elrohir agreed.

"Except for us," Elladan corrected him.

"Oh yes of course," Elrohir nodded, "it would take more then an insane elf and his crazy ramblings to make us crazy."

"You two do not consider yourselves to be insane?" Aragorn asked shocked.

"No," Elrohir answered, "why?"

"No reason," Aragorn muttered.

_Sailing the ships was easy for the awesome army of Legoli-_

"Legoli?" Merry asked.

"The plural of Legolas," Gandalf snorted.

"Scary," Pippin observed.

_- and they made it to their destination very very fast._

"Not just fast," Gimli laughed, "but very very fast."

_In fact he arrived there before Sauron's army had even arrived._

"If you got there so early," Eowyn growled, "then why could you not save my uncle from dying?"

"Yeah," the ghost of Theoden asked sticking his head into the library through a wall, "why could you not save me oh might Legolas?"

"It is Legoli now," the Ghost of Boromir informed the other ghost, "'he' is now 'they' and 'they' are an army about to save us all from Sauron."

"Ok then," the Ghost of Theoden said sounding more then a little scared.

_Unfortunately for the Legoli the Rohirrim and the people of Gondor were not all that clever and they had mistaken each other for Sauron's evil army._

"What the hell!?!" Faramir roared.

"Us Rohirrim are not that dumb," the ghost of Theoden yelled over Faramir, "now since Gondor had a insane crazy person as a leader perhaps they might have made such an error but not me! I know what an orc looks like."

"Did you call me insane?" Denethor asked.

"Deal with it dad," Faramir said, "we all call you insane."

"Do not listen to them father," Boromir advised, "I know that you are not crazy."

"Suck up," Faramir accused.

"No more fighting," Eowyn ordered.

"Yes dear," Faramir said at once.

"Oh you are so whipped," Boromir laughed.

"That means you too," the shield maiden of Rohan barked.

"Yes Eowyn," he nodded, obeying her at once.

_But at the sight of the radiantly glowing Legoli all of the fighting stopped and they all began to worship him. Unfortunately Eowyn decided to sacrifice her uncle to the glory that was Legolas. Theoden, being so enamored with Legolas agreed and he was dead before the Legoli could stop her._

The Ghost of Theoden now entered the library completely. He and his niece Eowyn rounded on Legolas in a way that was reminiscent of hungry wolves circling a helpless rabbit who had put on too much weight.

"The elf is in real trouble now," Gimli remarked gleefully rubbing his hands together.


	45. A Not So Original Plan

_**Author's Note:**_

_Well we are finally reaching the end of this story. I'm not sure yet exactly how many are left, but it isn't a lot. Any suggestions for the end would be greatly appreciated. I'm pretty sure I have a plan, but I'm always looking out for better ideas._

_Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing. Everyone has been so nice and supportive. And thank you to everyone who are reading and reviewing, The Club, another little spin off of this idea. Hope that everyone enjoys the chapter!_

**Chapter #45:**

"I might have killed **someone** that day but I suspect I know the difference between my beloved uncle and the **Witch King**! It's not exactly-"

"-and I'll have you know that she was not the only person to care **a hell of a lot** **more** about me then you!"

"- **comforted** my uncle in his dying moments! **Comforted, not killed**!"

Eowyn and the ghost of Theoden were ripping into Legolas with a new level of fierceness. Theoden was pointing an accusing finger at Legolas, or more specifically right through Legolas' chest thanks to being transparent. Eowyn's shrieks were so fierce that everyone else was backing up as far away from the furious woman as they could.

"Good luck with her bro," the ghost of Boromir whispered to Faramir. Faramir responded simply by gulping.

"Hey!" Pippin cried excitedly. "He's talking about Theoden's death! Do you know what that means?" he asked. The assorted group listening to the story all turned to look at the little hobbits. Some were confused and some simply looked as if nothing could surprise them.

"That he remembers important facts but lacks even the slightest accuracy on the details?" Sam asked.

"I would guess that it would mean that Legolas had gone crazy but," Gimli shook his head, "that specific fact has already been confirmed so many times that it would be a foolish idea."

"It means that he is nearing the end of the story!" Pippin cheered.

It is a commentary on how much everybody in the library hated Legolas' fanfiction that they all could not help but to cheer enthusiastically. Even Theoden was heard muttering something along the lines of, "_At least my death serves a purpose_…" amid the sounds of celebration.

"But it is not over yet," Legolas reminded them, "and so let us continue." He ignored the groans and curses directed at him and his story as the elf serenely picked his parchment back up and skimmed his finger down to find where he had left off.

_Once the brilliant Legolas had sorted all of the trouble out, (which was of course not difficult for him), he healed absolutely everyone-_

"What about me?" Theoden asked.

_-except of course for King Theoden who was __all__ dead and even Legolas' skills could not help him._

"That's it," the ghost of Theoden declared getting up, "I have had enough of this abuse. I am out of here."

"I will go with you," Denethor added following Theoden in exiting through a wall.

"I wish I were dead," Gimli said wistfully, "I would have left after the first sentence."

"We all would have Gimli," Aragorn sighed patting the dwarf's shoulder.

_ Legolas set to making plans to defeat Sauron once and for all. It did not take Legolas long to come up with a truly scathingly brilliant idea._

"I am sure that it involved Legolas being a hero and the rest of us acting like simpering idiots," Gandalf sighed, resigned.

"Maybe Legolas will disguise himself as an orc and sneak to Mount Doom so he can destroy the One Ring," Frodo growled.

"It was a brilliant plan," Aragorn assured the angry hobbit.

"Not as good as my plan to gets the Ents to fight Saruman," Pippin whispered conspiratorially to Merry.

_And so Legolas gathered everyone together in the throne room in order to tell the his master plan._

_"What will we do oh great and mighty Legolas?" They all chanted, as if praying to the superb elf._

"I think that perhaps we should try setting Legolas on fire and tossing him off a cliff," the ghost of Boromir suggested loudly.

"It's a favorite of mine," Faramir grinned fondly.

_"We will draw out Sauron's armies. Empty his lands. Then we gather our full strength and march on the Black Gate. We may not be able to win through strength of arms along, but we can buy enough time to destroy the One Ring and defeat Sauron. Keep him blind to all else that moves."_

_"So like a diversion or something? Is that it?" Aragorn asked, scratching his smelly head in confusion. "I am just sooo confused."_

"You know," Aragorn remarked through gritted teeth, "that so called '_master_ _plan'_ of Legolas' seems just a tad bit familiar to me. I believe that I came up with a remarkably similar plan back when all of these events actually took place."

"You know," Gandalf added with a grin, "I was just thinking that. Except that the line that you said in Legolas' version seemed familiar as well."

"Oh yes," Gimli broke in, his eyes glittering maliciously, "and now that I come to think of it I believe that it was the great and tall Legolas himself who said that quite moronic thing."

"Oh I don't believe," Eowyn said with false amazement, "Legolas the creator of the worst fanfiction ever said something dumb!?!?!"

_"With anyone else leading the way," the tiny dwarf Gimli commented, "I would say that this plan has a large certainty of death and a small chance of success. But Legolas, since it is you I am filled with confidence and optimism."_

"Hate burst your bubble there laddie," Gimli chuckled, "but even if that plan **had** come out of your pretty blond head I would have doubted it."

"So Gimli," Merry chuckled nudging Pippin, "now your true feelings for Legolas have been revealed." Pippin contributed by making loud and obnoxious kissy noises. Gimli reacted by calmly standing up and pushing the two hobbits off of the couch they were sitting on and into a heap on the floor.

"That's better," he sighed as he stretched out putting his hands behind his head.


	46. At The Black Gate

_**Author's Note:**_

_So… long time no write… I'm really sorry, I don't know what happened. Things just got so crazy. To sum it all up I had:_

_- Work. A lot of work._

_- I had all of my wisdom teeth removed, followed by a bad reaction to the medication._

_- The last Harry Potter book came out and I had to read it. And then re-read it several times._

_- I suffered from a nasty case of Potter Depression. I hear it was going around._

_- Pack for college._

_- Begin college._

_So coupled with no inspiration… well you get the idea. I am very sorry and hope that this chapter makes it up to you. I am thinking that there will be two more chapters before the end, though I'm not completely sure. Hopefully they won't take me so long to write. Enjoy the chapter!_

**Chapter #46:**

The group was distracted by the library door being flung open. They all turned, as the next person to enter was definitely the last person that they had expected to see in the library again.

It was Lady Galadriel accompanied by her husband Celeborn and a thoroughly reluctant Haldir. Even more reluctant then Haldir were the two people he was forcibly escorting with him.

The people who were being '_helped'_ back into the library were Eomer and King Thranduil.

"Hello dear brother," Eowyn growled.

"Long time no see," Eomer said with a nervous grin. He took a step ever so slightly back, away from his sister.

"It has," she agreed. "In fact I believe the last time I saw you was when you turned into a cowardly worm and slithered away leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves. Coward!"

"Your uncle would be ashamed," Gandalf scolded the King of Rohan.

"Actually he was proud of me," Eomer told Gandalf, "I met him while I was fleeing- or I mean returning to Rohan. I would have gotten there to if I had not stopped for a pint of ale at that pub…"

"We thought it would be best to return him here," Haldir remarked slyly, "to the company of his friends." Said friends seemed to be considering pounding Eomer into a bloody pulp. All except for Pippin who looked as if he was considering cannibalism.

"So hungry," Pippin muttered under his breath.

"I don't see why the elves don't make their couches longer," Sam said to Frodo as the two of them edged as far away as they could from Pippin.

"And what about you?" Aragorn asked Thranduil. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Coward!" Eowyn added.

"Coward?" The Elf King said with an innocent look on his face. "I am no coward! I was merely chasing after Eomer, trying to bring him back myself." He turned to Galadriel, Celeborn, and Haldir. "Many thanks to you three for your assistance."

"Do you really think that you are fooling anyone?" Celeborn asked.

"Not really," Thranduil sighed, "but it never hurts to try." He turned to look at his son. "So, I see you haven't finished yet."

"No father," Legolas answered with a grin. "In fact you have just come in time to hear the best part." There was a rather loud chorus of groans at this announcement.

"This does not sound good," Aragorn said fearfully.

"It's not," Galadriel assured him.

"Now I remember why I needed that drink so badly," Eomer commented darkly.

_Legolas led the army of the Free Peoples of Middle Earth to the Black Gate._

"At least he's giving the rest of us credit," Gandalf muttered.

_Of course the Free Peoples of Middle Earth had decided to change their preferred title. They now wanted to be known as: The Ultimate Legolas Fan Club. Really they all agreed that it was better._

"The Ultimate Legolas Fan Club?" Elladan and Elrohir chorused in identical horrified voices.

"More like: The Ultimate Proof of Legolas' Utter Egocentrism," Eowyn snorted.

"Don't you all think that the Ultimate Gimli Fan Club has an exceptionally more impressive ring to it?" Gimli asked. A couple of the people in the room actually nodded seriously at the question.

"A fan club for a dwarf," Thranduil laughed, "that is funny."

"At least I am not so incompetent that I can't even pull off a simple escape from Rivendell," Gimli shot back. This effectively cowed the Elf King, though Sam looked over at Gimli confused.

"Didn't you plan an escape but you did not even get out of the door?" Sam asked.

"I do not know what you are talking about Sam," Gimli said shiftily, "Legolas must have driven you insane."

"Well yeah," Sam shrugged, "but I still thought-"

"You thought wrong!"

_But as they approached the big scary gate of Sauron even their love for Legolas could not convince The Ultimate Legolas Fan Club to go any further. They cried and fainted in fear, like helpless infants._

"It's not even funny how inaccurate this is," Merry said shaking his head. "I mean sure we all thought that we were about to die on a suicide mission, but we went about the whole thing in a very dignified way."

"And I gave that stirring courageous speech to make you all brave," Aragorn cried, "and it worked, damn it!"

_Smelly Aragorn __tried__ to give a stirring courageous speech to make everybody brave but he was crying so many big smelly tears that not one member of The Ultimate Legolas Fan Club could understand him._

"I was not aware that tears could smell," Elladan laughed, "let alone that they could smell so atrocious that they would effect the hearing of those close by. It would take a smelly person to pull that off."

"You would have to be Super Smelly to accomplish that," Elrohir agreed seriously.

"You two better watch it," Aragorn growled.

"We'd better look out," Elrohir said.

"Yeah," Elladan sniggered, "if we aren't careful he might cry on us."

"Are we going to help them?" Celeborn asked his wife as Aragorn proceeded to bash the twins' heads together.

"They got themselves into this," she answered, "they can get themselves out of it." A couple of bumps and bruises later everyone was once again seated and ready to listen to more of the story.

_Though he was terrified at the prospect of facing Legolas in a fight Sauron went out to fight against the elf._

"Hold on!" Haldir interrupted. "Just a minute! Wasn't Sauron a giant eyeball? Scary, yes I suppose, but not able to fight."

"He was not even able to walk!" Gandalf yelled.

"Or dance," Eomer pointed out.

"Or eat," Pippin added.

"He probably wouldn't even be able to hear this atrocity of a story," Aragorn muttered.

"Lucky bugger," Gimli grunted.

_Sauron was able to fight, walk, dance, eat, and listen to marvelous and unaltered tales of bravery because he had merged souls with a creature more fearsome and evil then he was._

Everyone was eager to offer their guesses of what was even more fearsome and evil then the Dark Lord who had tried to kill them all and take over all of Middle Earth. Some of the suggestions were better then others.

"Legolas!"

"Shelob!"

"A ringwraith!"

"All the ringwraiths!"

"A Mary-Sue!"

"Gollum!"

"Farmer Maggot!"

"Legolas!"

_Sauron had merged his very soul with-_

"Drum roll please," Merry said. Frodo, Sam, and Pippin obliged.

_- A Mary-Sue!_

"I was right," Aragorn cheered, "I win! All of you are losers! You suck! I am the greatest! I am the most awesome person to ever live! Who is the best king ever? That would be me! I rock!"

_The Sauron-Sue killed Aragorn._

"**What?!?"**

_Sauron-Sue killed Aragorn painfully and horribly._

"That is just mean," Aragorn managed to say.

"Who is the greatest?" Frodo asked with a grin.

"I thought that it was Strider," Sam answered thoughtfully, "except that he is dead, so it can't be him. It must be me."

"That's what I thought," Frodo nodded.

"No," Aragorn howled, "I am the greatest! I'm not dead! Not dead!"

"Rest in peace dear friend," Gimli said solemnly removing his helmet out of respect.

"I am still alive!"

"Our brother is dead," Elrohir and Elladan cried to together. They both broke into fake sobs and hugged each other.

"You know in the Shire when a close friend dies we have a feast," Pippin commented.

**"I am not dead!"**


	47. Legolas Fights SauronSue

**Chapter #47:**

The library was in an uproar. It was almost as bad as the time Eomer and Aragorn had set that piece of Legolas' hair on fire. Several very surprising events had occurred. Sauron was a Mary-Sue, Legolas was leading the army of good against him, and Aragorn was dead.

The hobbits, Elladan, Elrohir, Thranduil, and Gimli were holding a funeral for him. They had written 'R.I.P. Aragorn' onto one of the walls and had even put some flowers that they had found in a vase by the makeshift grave. They went so far as to sing funeral songs. Finally they had begun to each give a eulogy for the fallen king.

"He was a good warrior," Sam was saying, "and he could be really scary when he wanted to. I was terrified when I first met him, that's for sure. I think he would have been remembered as a great king if Legolas had not driven him crazy."

The dead king himself was jumping around and yelling to prove that he was in fact, alive. Everyone else in the library were too busy mourning his death to pay any real attention to him. The door to the library opened once again interrupting the madness as everyone looked to see who was coming in.

"What is going on in here?" Arwen asked as she entered.

"You are a widow," Gandalf informed her.

"What?" she asked looking at Aragorn in shock.

"It is true," Galadriel said with a grin, "it seems that Sauron merged his soul with a Mary-Sue and then killed Aragorn. Odd how it took us all so long to realize what had happened."

"Quite odd," her husband nodded.

"I am not dead!" Aragorn shouted.

"He is in denial," Gimli sighed.

"Tell them I'm not dead," Aragorn pleaded coming up and grabbing Arwen's arm. "Tell them that I am alive!"

"I am not sure if it would help," she replied looking around at the insaneness of the library.

"And now," Merry was saying to the group of mourners at the fake funeral, "for a dance to honor our fallen and smelly King."

"I do not care how cute and loveable you are," Aragorn roared turning on the hobbits, "it will not save you from a beating at the hands of this very alive and unsmelly man!"

"Look Elrohir," Elladan cried pointing at Aragorn, "it is the ghost of our brother, come from beyond the grave to haunt us!"

"What is it called when you kill your own brother?" Faramir asked.

"Fratricide I think," Eowyn replied.

"I think we are about to witness it," he stated shaking his head sadly.

_Legolas turned to Sauron-Sue, his anger making him appear more gorgeous and powerful then any of them could have believed. Even the devoted members of The Ultimate Legolas Fan Club trembled in awe and fear at the site of the oh so handsome, but also all powerful, elf._

"It's Legolas!" Merry shouted pointing at Legolas. Merry and Pippin began shivering and shaking. "We have gotten to close to Legolas and now we are trembling with awe."

"I thought that when you sat too close to Legolas that you were burned by his brilliance?" King Thranduil asked sarcastically. Merry and Pippin began to act out being burned, as well as trembling in awe. It was a strange spectacle.

"There are people devoted to Legolas?" Haldir laughed. "Where do they live? Under a rock? The bottom of a pond?"

"Maybe they live in the Shire," Elladan chuckled. He soon found himself surrounded by four angry hobbits.

"You are going down!" Sam roared. Pippin licked his lips.

"Brother," Elladan cried as he ran around the room pursued by the hobbits, "help! They are going to eat me alive!"

"This is your fight," Elrohir snorted. "You were the one foolish enough to antagonize them." But before Pippin could catch Elladan and try to chew off his leg Legolas distracted the hobbits by continuing to read.

_"I will make you pay for killing that person who hung around me basking in my glory," Legolas promised the evil and pink loving nemesis of the Ultimate Legolas Fan Club, (formally the free peoples of Middle Earth)._

_"You can try but you will die like that smelly bug I just squashed," Sauron Sue giggled._

"I am not smelly or dead!" Aragorn bellowed. Arwen patted his arm, murmuring comforting words.

"I used to think that Legolas and Aragorn were pretty good friends," Eowyn whispered to Faramir, "but I guess insanity has a deteriorating effect on the bonds of friendship."

"And on the bonds of family," Faramir nodded thinking of his father.

_"If you thought that hobbits would be able to defeat me," Sauron-Sue taunted, "then you were wrong!"_

"I DID DEFEAT SAURON!" Frodo screamed. "I lost a freaking finger defeating Sauron!" Then he collapsed with his head in his hands still muttering angrily under his breath.

"Well to be fair," Haldir shrugged, "I am not sure that anyone would be able to defeat something that is half Sauron and half Mary-Sue. But I am certainly not suggesting that Legolas would be up for the job."

_"You see," Sauron-Sue continued, "I have caught the two stupid hobbits. Now there is no hope to destroy the One Ring! HA HA HA!" The evil laugh quickly turned into a fit of girlish giggles._

Everyone in the room shuddered at the thought of Sauron in a fit of girlish giggles. It was just too horrible of a thought. In fact in the distance they thought they could hear Sauron himself roaring, "_**I do not giggle!**_" in a deep voice.

_Legolas let out a manly and rich laugh. Sauron-Sue stopped giggling in confusion._

"Manly and rich?" Gimli laughed.

"Does Legolas even know how to laugh?" Faramir asked.

_"You have miscalculated evil Sauron-Sue," he informed his foe. It took them all a minute to realize what he was holding since the glare of his brilliance had outshone the One Ring, which Legolas was holding in the palm of his hand._

"Hold on," Arwen burst out, "how does Legolas have the One Ring?"

"Oh," Gandalf sighed, "that. Well you missed it but apparently Legolas switched out the real One Ring for a fake one which is what Frodo was carrying. Apparently Legolas is awesome enough to ignore the temptation of the One Ring."

"You know," Arwen shook her head, "I should be surprised… but I'm not."

"Neither were we," Eowyn told her.

_With his special powers Legolas threw the One Ring towards Mount Doom. It zoomed over to the volcano and landed in the lava with a plunk._

"And what special powers would give Legolas the ability to throw something that far and that accurately?" Celeborn asked the group. "Do all of us elves have that power?" Haldir picked up and book and threw it at Legolas.

It missed and hit Aragorn.

"Nope," Haldir answered Celeborn cheerfully, "must just be Legolas."

"This proves I'm alive," Aragorn yelled as he held a hand to his rapidly swelling eye.

"I am still not convinced," King Thranduil said. "Go hit your head against that wall, then maybe I will believe you are in fact alive." Aragorn rushed to do as Thranduil had said.

"That is mean," Gandalf said grinning despite his words.

"But it is quite amusing," Thranduil shrugged.

_Sauron-Sue sank to the ground, weeping bitterly over the loss of the One Ring. Sauron-Sue was very very depressed because he knew he would never ever be half as powerful as Legolas. What was even more depressing for Sauron-Sue was the fact that he would never be as good-looking as Legolas was._

"Somehow I do not think that Sauron cared whether he looked as good as Legolas," Galadriel commented dryly. "He was a little preoccupied trying to take over Middle Earth."

_Mighty Legolas then killed Sauron-Sue!_

_The Ultimate Legolas Fan Club cheered in joy. They had a huge celebratory party right then and there, to once again honor the most awesome and brilliant being they had ever know, Legolas._

"Not another damn Legolas party," Eowyn cried throwing her hands in the air.

"I do not think that even we hobbits have this many parties," Frodo said.

"We do eat more though," Pippin said so that no one would forget that he was hungry. They hadn't.

How could they when he was almost at the point of resorting to cannibalism?

_But as the party ended the people of Gondor realized that they had a problem with the person who could have been king being dead. Rohan had a similar problem what with King Theoden also being dead. It took them only about an hour to come up with what they knew to be the very best solution. In fact it was so good of a solution that everyone in Middle Earth wanted to do what they were doing._

_To make a long story short soon Legolas had been named __**King Of All That Exists!**_

"What did Middle Earth hold elections?" Merry scoffed. Other people were expressing their outrage at this latest twist. But it was Aragorn who was yelling louder then anyone else.

"I am alive! I am alive!" He shouted stomping his feet. "I will prove it!"

Aragorn picked up a book and threw it at Legolas.

Unlike Haldir Aragorn's book did not miss it's target. It hit the Prince of Mirkwood full in the face. Legolas toppled off of his chair in surprise, paper flying everywhere.

**"Get him!"**

**"Get his story!"**

**"Burn his hair!"**

They all stampeded the fallen elf and before you know it they were all on top of him in one big dog pile. Fists were flying and almost everyone was either being hit or kicked. The parchment on which Legolas had written his story was being torn apart.

It was this scene that the 'Stop Legolas' Story Group' met as they broke down the doors to the library. Members of the SLSG and random elves from Rivendell waded into the chaos to pull the insane people off of one another.

"I think that went rather well," Glorfindel commented to Elrond as one by one the former prides of Middle Earth were dragged from the room to receive immediate psychiatric help.

"The End," Legolas mumbled dazedly as he was hauled out of the library.

_**Author's Note:**_

_Yes, that was the end of Legolas' fanfic. **But don't worry, there is still one more chapter to sort of sum up this story.** I hope that you all enjoyed it! And thank you to everyone who has reviewed!_


	48. The End

**Chapter #48:**

King Thranduil wasted no time in getting some of the sanest elves left in Rivendell to help him "escort" Legolas back to Mirkwood. This was done for two reasons. One was that Elrond wanted Legolas taken away as soon as possible, and the other being that everyone Legolas had tortured in the library was in a definitely angry mood.

Once in Mirkwood Thranduil had a nice secure and padded room made for Legolas to stay in. He had guards posted at the door at all times of the day and night, with the strictest rule being that no parchment or quills were allowed to be brought inside the special room.

Thranduil also made fanfiction illegal in Mirkwood, the penalty being to be forced to read the remaining bits of Legolas' fanfiction. No one dared to break the rule for fear of the promised punishment.

Meanwhile in Rivendell those who had been subjected to Legolas' fanfiction went into immediate therapy in an attempt to recover some of the sanity they had all lost. This task fell to the Official Shrink of Rivendell, who Elrond had just hired.

The Official Shrink of Rivendell was sitting at his desk, going over some papers with a pinched and worried expression on his face. His assistant came in, but the Shrink did not even look up.

"What are you reading?" The Assistant asked.

"I was told by Lord Elrond to counsel a group of people who have recently gone through, as he phrased it, a trauma. I asked them all to sum up their experience and write it down. What they wrote… well it is disturbing. Have a look." The Assistant bent over to read the papers on the Shrink's desk.

--

_Merry and Pippin:_

_Listening to Legolas read his fanfiction wasn't really the worst thing, the worst thing was almost starving to death. From now on we will be sure to bring plenty of food with us, just in case we get ambushed by a crazy elf prince who fancies himself a fanfiction writer._

_Faramir:_

_I think this experience has brought Eowyn and I closer together. It has also made me more violent. Much more violent then I ever thought that I could be, even Boromir agrees._

_Eowyn:_

_Next time Faramir and I go on a trip it's going to be someplace where nobody from the War of the Ring is. Definitely not anyplace where there are elves, and especially away from a certain elf lord who tricks his so called friends into going into libraries occupied by crazy people._

_Theoden:_

_I have some problems with being dead. I may even resent my nephew for being King now that I'm dead. I especially resent him because he is the reason that I was forced into the craziness. That is why I will be haunting him for the next decade, maybe longer._

_Denethor:_

_Well not too much has changed for me. I still hate Faramir. Maybe I hate him even more…_

_Boromir:_

_I have been depressed about my death for a long time, but finally I have found some positive things about being a ghost thanks to Legolas' fanfic. The first thing is that I can escape from insane friends trying to read me something they wrote. The second is that I did not live long enough to succumb to the insanity._

_Gandalf:_

_I always knew that the elves were crazy, I mean you spend enough time with them and it becomes pretty obvious. I just never before realized how crazy they could be. I also never realized how disrespectful they could be of a wizard who defeated a Balrog and came back to life just in time to help save all of Middle Earth._

_Glorfindel:_

_I used to think that humans would be screwed without elves. But now that I have seen the level of insanity to which Legolas sunk, maybe we are all screwed._

_Haldir:_

_I need a vacation._

_Galadriel and Celeborn:_

_We need to begin to protect our borders. It is like when we were worried about Sauron's f__orces getting through, but now our enemy is craftier. Except that in this situation being able to read minds will be a hindrance rather then a help._

_Elrond:_

_Well I have had locks installed on the library doors and I am teaching everyone about the dangers of the Mary-Sues and their stories. Maybe it will help. Although somehow I doubt it._

_Elladan and Elrohir:_

_We have learned that if we have a bad feeling about something, we should listen to it. Although it has been great since for the first time father can not blame us for being the cause of the mayhem._

_Arwen:_

_Well my husband fell in love with an obsessive child, became helpless without Legolas, fell in love with an army of obsessive girls, and then died. Obviously we have some issues we need to talk about._

_Gimli:_

_You wouldn't see a dwarf going crazy, no matter what horrors he'd read. I'd bet you a sack full of gold that I could read those Sue Stories without going crazy._

_Aragorn:_

_Not smelly! Never cheated! Not smelly! Never cheated!_

_Sam:_

_I think that it would be best if I banned fanfiction from the Shire._

_Frodo:_

_If this is why I saved Middle Earth then next time I come across an item that would give evil power over everything, I'm not so sure I will be willing to save everyone. It is not just because they are all lunatics, (though it is one reason). But mostly it is because they have not gratitude for certain nine fingered heroes who saved all of them._

--

"What evil did these people experience?" The Assistant asked when he had finished.

"I am afraid to ask," The Shrink answered.

_**Final Author's Note:**_

_I just wanted to once again thank everyone who has read or reviewed. It really has made writing this a real blast. Thank you to everyone! I have loved writing this, and I will miss it. I am planning on wiriting a sequel to this, though my next projects are a Sue-Slayer (on this account), and a Harry Potter story (on my other account). I hope that you have enjoyed the story!_


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